In the (Feed)Zone - Year End Accounting & Druber Awards

By: Mark Swartzendruber
Posted: Dec 22, 2014

Why Everybody Needs a Coach

Whenever I am feeling overwhelmed by the state of things I call my coach and he helps get me back on center.

Rev. Billy:  Hey Druber, what’s shakin’?
Me:  I think I’m cracking up
Rev:  Yeah I heard a good joke the other day about a Jew and a lobster…
Me:  No, not cracking up as in laughing, like losing my marbles.  I’m troubled
Rev:  I see.   There is certainly an abundance of happenings over which to be troubled.  You been watching FOX News again?  I’ve told you before things are never as bad as they paint them over there.
Me:  No, it’s not that.  It’s deeper.
Rev:  Worse than Kim Jong Un telling Obama that Americans can’t go to movies?
Me:  Yeah
Rev:  What could be worse?
Me:  I only need to shave my legs once a week.
Rev:  What?
Me:  Yeah.  I shaved on Sunday and here it is Friday and I’ve barely gotten back to peach fuzz.  When I started doing this stuff if I didn’t shave every other day my legs looked like Leipheimer’s back.  Wooly.  Ferchrissakes my wife, The Lovely Kathy needs to shave her legs daily – I mean she’s Eastern European – but still.  You know what this means? 
Rev:  You don’t take as much time in the shower?
Me:  No this is serious Billy!  I’m slowing down!
Rev:  I’m not sure I’m following you…
Me:  Billy – it means my body isn’t making testosterone like it used to.  Pretty soon I’m going to be one of those old guys you see walking around in a skin suit all day at Master’s Nats with no ass and a bald skinny legs except for a few long stragglers on the back of his knees.  No testosterone means no muscles means no fast.  Get it?
Rev: I see – well there is a cure for that
Me:  I’m not going to Cenegenics – I’m not a SoCal Master.  I refuse
Rev:  No, I don’t mean Low T therapy.  You can stop bike racing and just be normal.  Eventually everyone, and I mean everyone comes to grips with the fact that the pretend bike racer fantasy comes to an end at some point.  Well, everyone except Tilford but he’s a freak of nature.
Me:  Quit bike racing? Be normal?  What’s normal?
Rev:  You know – like you were most of the past two year when you couldn’t race because of your back.  You just rode your bike for fun and bought a lake house and worked on it with your wife and you golfed and started pheasant hunting again with your dog concentrated on building your business.
Me:  Yeah, but mentally I was still “BIKE RACER”. It’s what motivated my rehab.  Without the mental picture of me being BIKE RACER I’m not sure I would have been able to do it.  I don’t know how to frame myself any other way.  You see?  This whole shaving once a week thing is rocking my world worse than the back injury because there is no recovery from it.
Rev:  Druber- I’ve haven’t shaved my legs in years and I’m still a bike racer.
Me:  Billy, you race 3 times a year.  At Ceraland where you are lapped at least twice and at the ABD Masters Weekend with four 65+ guys and the women.  That’s hardly being a bike racer.
Rev:  You need to learn to redefine your terms.  Life is all about change.  You need to be able to adapt.
Me: (Long Pause) I’ll be damned Billy.  Now see, THIS is why I’m paying you a Grand a month.  Redefine my terms…Redefine my terms.  I’m feeling this.  Just because I can’t bridge a gap to the Boris Brothers in a crit doesn’t mean I’m finished.  I just need to re shape the way I define “bike racer”.  Maybe I don’t dominate a 35+ race or maybe I’m not a factor in a Procrit any longer, but I can still do this. I’m going to redefine bike race… I’ve got my mojo back.  Let’s make a training plan!
Rev:  Atta boy – what races do you want to target?
Me:  First season objective would be the second ABD downhill indoor computrainer time trial in February and second objective would be RAGBRAI…


After a year off in which I was out of the loop and didn’t present Druber Awards I feel like I paid enough attention in 2014 to be able to hand out Druber Awards to the best of the best from this past race season. This is a selective list and it’s totally subjective but it’s my show and I can do what I want.

Top Local Female – Sierra Siebenlist:  Scarlet Fire Racing p/b Matthews Bikes.  Chick finished on the podium of every race she did. Well, not literally but it seemed like it

Top New Female – Dani Arman: Sammy’s Bikes p/b EGO. She used to be a tri geek but now she’s a damn bike racer and a good one.  Plays Cyclocross too.  Now if only she’d show up at time trials again, she could call herself a complete racer.

Top Local Male – Chad B(jumbleofconsonants):  Texas Roadhouse.  Dude won a shit tonne of races and finished on the podium in some NCC races as well. 

Best Race:  Galena Stage Race.  XxX Racing puts on the most epic stage race in the Midwest.  Period.  

Best Old Guy:  Mike Fuggin’ Heagney. Vitually unbeatable.  Strong enough to break away and no one sprints with him.

Best New Thing:  Pave Liga.  Now, if the execution comes in line with the concept they’ll be on to something.

Best New Team:  Intelligensia Coffee.

Between Heagney, Billy Jones and the Boris Brothers, the fuggin’ guys won every race in the Prairie State Cycling Series.  They still need to shave their legs daily.  Maybe even twice daily.

All right.  That’s all I can come up with at this point.  I’m sure there are many others worthy of note, but I have a really short attention span and a loss of memory. 

Next thing you’ll see from me will be a couple of product reviews.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year.

Druber Out.