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In the (Feed) Zone - 2008 Druber Awards
2008 Druber Awards
Great Leaders of the past and present best prove themselves in times of duress. It is when the masses are suffering the effects of job layoffs, high prices, slow sales and a general sense of gloom and hopelessness that leaders of historic nature take the reigns.
Churchill stepped up where Chamberlin faltered. Roosevelt took the initiative after Hoover was paralyzed by ineptitude. Regan renewed the pride of being an American after the well meaning but ineffective Carter administration. Lombardi took over the hapless Green Bay Packers and turned a beaten down sad sack franchise into a dynasty. History has yet to ink the legacy of our new president elect, but I believe his is at very least off to a good start. The reader may ask how I can make such an assertion before the man is even inaugurated. Let me hypothesize.
Leaders of historic proportions have had one thing in common. They began their work, not by digging in to epic problems with shirt sleeves rolled to the elbows under a shroud of secrecy, but rather more in an open posture of a grand psychologist with a finger to his temple. Great Leaders understand the necessity of changing the mental process before undertaking the physical process. Great Leaders recognize the fact that they cannot do for a person what that person in unwilling to do for themselves. Thus, great Leaders go about creating change by causing the patient to think in such a way that he will go about making the changes necessary to seize his own malaise by the scruff of the neck and kick it across the threshold into the back alley.
How is this done? Diversionary tactics my friend – the process by which you cause people to think about things other than what the direct problem is. Good Leaders cause people to see beyond their immediate troubles. Bad leaders urge people to blame their problems on others or to ignore them all together. Diversionary tactics are potent means by which power can be taken and used for either good or malfeasance. Unfortunately leadership isn’t by all means given to those who use it for the greater good. Hitler diverted the attention of post World War One Germany by creating various Bogey Men who were the “source” of Germany’s depression, ultimately settling his paranoia on the Jewish business men who were in conspiracy to keep the Germans down. He rode this diversionary paranoia to power that threatened the entirety of mankind.
Our current lame duck president used diversionary methods to whip the nation into a jingoistic frenzy of paranoia to silence dissent in order to invade a sovereign nation under faulty pretext. He further diverted us by claiming an imperialistic nation building democracy spreading mission the likes of which he explicitly campaigned against in 2000. He urged us to go shopping and to ignore serious debt issues rather than asking us to focus and sacrifice as the previous generation did in times of war and economic downturn. This proved to be the grandest bait and switch ever foisted upon a people. Thousands of dead and maimed American soldiers and hundreds of thousands of dead innocents of the invaded nation call for some heavy recompense. I would not want W’s karma. He can only hope for a gracious god rather than a just god in his version of eternity.
Or perhaps, the above was not the doing of the current lame duck as one could argue he possesses neither the intellectual capacity nor will to concoct such a grand scheme, but rather it was the Neo Conservative mercenaries who high jacked the Republican Party and ran it amok who are to blame. Whatever the case, didn’t it feel good seeing images of Sadaam Hussein’s statue being toppled and dragged through the streets of Bagdad while we were having our constitution dragged alongside it without our knowledge? This is the power of Diversion.
On the better half of diversion, Roosevelt made the historic call to repeal the prohibition against consumption of distilled spirits and fermented fruits and grains. Alcohol. Roosevelt knew that the beginning of the end of the Great Depression occurred at 4:32 pm on December 5th, 1933. 75 years ago, the depressed and beaten masses could look forward to a nip of hard cider or a dram of Scotch Whiskey after a long day of standing in a soup line. People got drunk and Happy Days Are Here Again was played on the phonograph. Hope was renewed for a better tomorrow.
It is in this spirit that I present in these trying times a diversion. I present to you the 2009 Druber Awards. Take your minds off your troubles and enjoy…
BEST PICK UP LINE BY A CYCLIST
This was brilliantly captured by MKA back in February as he reported from the Tour of California.
This is definitely a world class pick up line. Direct, to the point with a touch of poignancy. This reaches out to touch the maternal instinct that even the most hagged out super model possesses. Completely void of classic Cat 3 pick up line blunders such as “I have really strong legs which I shave.” Or “Know anything about the cycling game? Well, I’m a Cat Three, which is pretty fast.”
BEST USE OF $200
I won’t belabor the point that we are living in tough financial times. Spending every dollar well in times like these is critical. It might mean purchasing the Walgreen brand of enema rather than the brand name FLEET when you’re administering yourself a colonic because you can no longer afford the colonic at your favorite spa. You may be forced as I have been to choose a box of Little Debbie brand Oatmeal Crème Pies versus a box of Clif Bars for on the bike nutritional needs. Hell, at .35 cents a pie, I’ve been doing this since well before the recession hit back in December of 2007. Whatever the sacrifice, we all find ourselves looking to pinch pennies.
Well kids, don’t despair. I found and took advantage of a great value this past summer.
As many of you know I have never been a huge believer in e mail coaching programs for cyclists as it always appeared to me that the ones who were the loudest about the coaching they were receiving were also the ones with the fewest race results. Or conversely, the best excuses for either being popped or finishing as pack fill. “It’s just a “B race”…low priority and I’m not peaked yet, a fact to which my e-mail coach will attest.”
The Right Reverend William H Stone and I share in common things other than the ability to entertain with written word and an affinity for subtle French and Italian red wines. We were both prior to cycling low handicap golfers who on occasion provided lessons to those less gifted. Most of the time, the lessons would end after a series of driving range sessions during which the students would hit an endless series of dribbles, shanks, duck hooks, slices and worm burners with a few accidental incidents of solid contact in between. The following is a true story of the last such lesson I ever gave. The student was a guy with a 28 handicap. After an hour of watching this guy wrenching his hands around the golf club and out of the proper grip I taught him, shuffling his feet out of the correct ball address that I’d shown him prior to every hack he made at the teed up ball and watching him take the club away from the ball at an abrupt angle rather than sweeping it away from the ball low and slow on his grotesque backswing and cringing every time the student chopped his driver into the ball from all manner of awkward angles which sent his golf ball spraying anywhere other than in the direction of the intended target , he screamed in exasperation
“ARRRRGGGHHHH Why do I suck so BAD!”
I replied with a completely straight face: “You have no hand/eye coordination.”
The student looked at me; picked up his bag and walked off the driving range. The point is - I believe coaching is best given and used by those possessing at least a modicum of talent. Other than that, the best you can do is provide those with very little talent the correct fundamentals. In golf that is properly gripping the club, addressing the ball and beginning the back swing. Aside from that, a person void of hand/eye coordination will never break 90 in golf and a cyclist with a VO2 of 40 will never be able to break an hour in a 40k time trial regardless of how “fast” his tires may be.
That said and me in full possession of my skeptical nature, I dropped a couple hundred bucks at the Clinic of Dr Ken Knowsalotski over at the Major Taylor Velodrome to video tape my “swing” and diagnose some problems. I never really felt comfortable on my new bike this season. I felt I was unable to maintain power on my road bike in the same way that I was able during a TT. I heard that Ken had purchased some high tech gadgetry involving computers, lasers and strobe lights which he has been putting to use in diagnosing where a rider might be losing power on the bike. This is more than a “bike fit” session. You see live footage of how you look on your bike when you are giving it full gas. You are able to compare your leg angles and position above the pedals and posture on the bike at full speed with stop action imaging and then if needed you receive instruction on saddle position, height, stem length, crank length, pedal stroke and such. Fortunately for me, I was pretty close, but with a tweak here and there, I found myself able to find the missing sustained power on my road bike and I won the 30+ state road race in a long solo break the weekend after my session Coincidence?
Dr Knowsalotski (Ken Nowakowski) can be reached at probikes@spitfire.net. At least get yourself set up with a proper grip and stance.
TOP ILLINOIS MASTERS CYCLIST
If you were to check the current USA Cycling rankings of IL masters of all ages, you’d find my name at the top of two of the three categories and second in the category of road racing, which my erstwhile team mate Stone Pony tops. Stone Pony once again tricked everyone else into letting him double as the state criterium and road race champion and I once again won two time trials and added a road race championship. Despite this, I am giving this particular Druber Award to Lil’ Wayne Simon who put our state championships to shame by doing something far bigger and better.
Of course this isn’t the real Wayne Simon but there is somewhat of a resemblance in that Wayne Simon, just like Lil’ Wayne shown above has eyes and wears nice watches. Wayne Simon (not Lil’ Wayne) had a standout season and raced well when it counted. He’s always been a solid racer but this year he took it to another level at the USA Cycling Master’s Natz and took a Silver Medal in the TT (up to this point he’d done something absurd like 5 time trials or fewer in his life) and then he went out and won the Stars and Stripes Jersey in the road race for 50-54 men, taking the Best All Around trophy as well. Kudos Wayne!
TOP NEW RACE OF THE YEAR
This was a hard choice as there were several new races of note which were well run on excellent courses. One finalist was the O’Fallon Grand Prix just outside of St. Louis in Southern Illinois. The course is a meandering, twisty, turny romp over rolling roads. The Zipp sponsored crit in Carmel, IN’s gated community of West Clay was a nominee. The course was interesting, fast and put bike handling skills to the test. As such, I naturally did not do well on this course. The third finalist was the new race in Ann Arbor, MI – the second day of the Priority Health Classic. This course was my favorite crit course of the year. It was a 6 corner with elevation change and tooth rattling pavement. It was truly a hard guy course the truth of which is borne out by the fact that Stoner P. Poner won the race going away.
However, the New Race of the Year award goes to the Tour of Hermann, in Hermann, MO. This was a TT, RR stage race and the road race stage was epic. By far the most challenging road course of the year, it featured long steep climbs in the Central, MO wine region. If you make a road trip to race in 2009, may I suggest you make this race a destination, and for those of you using e-mail coaches, please inform them that this race should be an “A” priority race for you. If not, you’ll get popped on the first climb out of town before the neutral roll out is finished.
BEST CHICK RACING TEAM (non pro)
Despite the fact that it is widely known one of their members made fun of me at Superweek and accused me of not being a good bike rider, I’m gonna give this to the Revolution girls. It’s a close call because Kenda Tire is quite strong as well, but I like the kits that Revolution wore this past year. Sort of like a retro Jeannie Longo French National team thing going on there. Another thing - they have Doctors and Attorneys on the team and they work and make real money and still win bike races… NRC races at that. Plus, just about every time I saw what Billy calls a sun dialer race, Revolution won or came close so I gather that means they’re really good. And – this is big – they’re on the whole easy on the eyes. Gotta respect that.
BEST MASTERS RACING TEAM
No question. Texas Roadhouse wins the Druber Award for best Masters Team. Chad Brudzblahblahblah, Paul Martin, Kevin Atkinson and Tracy Toalson all won national championships, plus they won NRC races and they pretty much dominated masters races then entered the Pro 1,2 races and dominated those as well. Say no more. In fact, I’m going to also hand out the BEST ELITE AMATURE team award to them as well.
MOST GENUINELY NICE GUY IN THE SPORT
This is a new category and one not likely to be given out very often. I am tempted to hand this award out to Skippy over in Indianapolis because he’s such a genuine and well liked guy, but instead I am giving this to Robbie Ventura. RV has built himself quite a nice little practice in the Chicago area with his Vision Quest Program. He has a facility in the Loop and one in the Northern suburb of Highland Park. Both facilities are quite impressive in the scale and scope of the services offered to cyclists of all ability levels from Elite riders to weekend triathletes and recreational riders. He has created an atmosphere that is at once challenging and supportive while creating an environment for cycling enthusiasts to share their passion for this Stupid Sport. In essence he has created a community which people of all levels aspire to belong.
He has accomplished this because he genuinely cares for and enjoys the company of the clients and members of the Vision Quest facilities. He also genuinely cares about the future of cycling. Robbie has received a lot from this sport and I give the guy all kinds of credit for giving back to the sport, furthering the sport and creating a business that handsomely supports him and his family in the process. This is a man to be admired on a number of levels.
BIGGEST JAG IN THE SPORT
Okay, I just proof read that past award presentation and it nearly made me sick. Though the previous award is sincere and heart felt, reading it is like eating 3 heads of cotton candy. I am in desperate need of bitterness. The biggest Jag in the sport award goes to the Douche in Compression Tights at the Masters Natz crit in Luh’vulle and all those of his ilk who take themselves and what they do as a hobby far too seriously. I mean really, dude…no one cares that you were pack filler at Masters Natz or that you went to sleep before the 4th of July Fireworks to rest up for your pack fill finish.
For that matter few people care that you may have at some point won a masters race and no one outside of the very closed cycling community cares that you may have at some point won a medal at Masters Natz. How do I know this? I am responsible for securing sponsorships for my team. As good as we are, and as many races as we’ve won, it doesn’t phase the marketing directors of potential sponsors in the least. One of the least impressive things in the minds of decision makers who pull the trigger on corporate sponsorships is grown men in compression tights boasting over their exploits on bikes. This is just the real world slapping you in the back of the head. So next time you’re about to complain to your team director about the fact that you didn’t get a free bike or enough free clothing, why don’t you just bite your tongue and go do something positive for the sport instead of just TAKING FROM IT? Be more like Robbie and offer something positive.
TOP NATIONAL MASTERS RACER
Turbo. Look it up.
TOP CLUB
Once again this has to be ABD Cycling. They put on more races and have more club members than any other club I know of across the country bar none. Their events are always well funded, well run and a pleasure in which to participate. So to Ebert, Farrell, Mary Lee, Vicki and all the rest of you – go pat yourselves on the back. Well done.
BEST TRAVELING COMPANIONS
I’ve been doing this Stupid Sport for a long time and bar far the most fun I’ve ever had with a group of racers was this summer at Super Week. Now – for the most part the racing wasn’t up to its historic standards due to organizational difficulties that are well chronicled but the companionship for the week made the races bearable. Hawk, GSpot, Rev Billy and Strickey – you made the week in Wisconsin worth the time. See you in June!
BEST BREAK MATE
Well, normally it’s me because if you get into a break with me and I can’t ride away from you before the finish, you’ll beat me in the sprint 9 of 10 times, but these awards are not about me so this Druber award goes to Easy E Ethan Froese. Ethan works his tail off in breaks and all the while is entertaining as hell to ride with. He never skips turns, doesn’t complain when you attack him when it’s tactically the right thing to do and he tells good stories. All that said, if you can’t stay with him, he’ll drop your sorry ass in a heartbeat if he thinks you’re slowing him down. This I learned at Hillsboro last March.
Well, that just about covers it. I’ll more than likely continue this at some point before the end of the year. I hope this little diversion has helped take you away from the festering carbuncle that will be known as 2008 in the history books.
Next time: My secret for off season weight reduction.
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