In the (Feed)Zone
w/Mark Swartzendruber

Monsters of the Midway Criterium
Racing with the sMACKs in a Chrono-Synclastic Infundibula

What you are about to read is the truth. I could not, in my wildest imagination MAKE UP what you will soon be reading. It's too bizarre. As you read this you will be tempted to brand me as a lunatic and a liar. I am not a liar. I am not a lunatic. I have 40 witnesses - 28…perhaps 29 or more if they are honest who can corroborate the subsequent report. What you are about to read will also be robustly disputed by some as a complete fabrication. Both points of view are correct.

The following events took place on the campus of the University of Chicago. It is one of the most prestigious academic institutions in the world. Following is a small list of significant alumni from this prominent pillar of academia.

Edwin Hubble
S.B.'10, Ph.D.'17
Astronomer who found first evidence for the big bang theory

Carl Sagan
(1934-96)
A.B.'54, S.B.'55, S.M.'56, Ph.D.'60
Astronomer; author of Contact; educator

Milton Friedman
A.M.'33
Paul Snowden Russell Distinguished Service Professor Emeritus in Economics; Nobel Laureate in Economic Sciences, 1976

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
A.M.'71
Author of Slaughterhouse Five, Cat's Cradle, and Breakfast of Champions

Paul Wolfowitz
Ph.D.'72
President of the World Bank; Former Deputy Secretary of Defense

Former attorney general John Ashcroft earned his JD from the University of Chicago in 1967. Aside from this blot on their record, the U of C has one of the most impressive lists of graduates and instructors of any institution in the world.

It is entirely fitting that the recently deceased Vonnegut spent time here. Perhaps he was viewing the bike race that took place on the Midway Plaisance with a wry smile, appreciating from the spirit world, the irony that the thrashing about of the 40+ field on the 1.2 mile rectangle of pavement below served to confirm one of his most outlandish science fiction propositions.

Please read the following definition with care. It is critical to this report.

CHRONO-SYNCLASTIC INFUNDIBULA-Just imagine that your Daddy is the smartest man who ever lived on Earth, and he knows everything there is to find out, and he is exactly right about everything, and he can prove he is right about everything. Now imagine another little child on some nice world a million light years away, and that little child's Daddy is the smartest man who ever lived on that nice world so far away. And he is just as smart and just as right as your Daddy is. Both Daddies are smart, and both Daddies are right.
Only if they ever met each other they would get into a terrible argument, because they wouldn't agree on anything. Now, you can say that your Daddy is right and the other little child's Daddy is wrong, but the Universe is an awfully big place. There is room enough for an awful lot of people to be right about things and still not agree.

The reason both Daddies can be right and still get into terrible fights is because there are so many different ways of being right. There are places in the Universe, though, where each Daddy could finally catch on to what the other Daddy was talking about. These places are where all the different kinds of truths fit together as nicely as the parts in your Daddy's solar watch. We call these places chrono-synclastic infundibula…

Chrono (kroh-no) means time. Synclastic (sin-classtick) means curved towards the same side in all directions, like the skin of an orange. Infundibulum (in-fun-dib-u-lum) is what the ancient Romans like Julius Caesar and Nero called a funnel. If you don't know what a funnel is, get Mommy to show you one.

--A Child's Cyclopedia of Wonders and Things to Do, Doctor Cyril Hall
(Taken from Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.)

Thus, a bicycle race occurred on Mother's Day, March 13, 2007. One in which I add here for the record that I enjoyed more than any other bicycle race that I have ever participated in. One also, that left most of the observers, officials and experienced racers in the field scratching their heads wondering what madness they had just been a part of.

Before we get started with the 40+ report, in the first race of the day, I competed in the 30+ race. I won. It was an aggressive race full of attacks and it just so happened that I was able to make an attack late in the race when the primary players were tired. Jason Meshberg, returning to racing after a hiatus of a season or two made a spectacular bridge to close my 10 sec gap down with a lap and ½ to go. We traded pulls to keep our gap and I was able to ride away in the finishing straight for the win. Jason clearly had his brakes rubbing

The cast of key players in the 40+ race are below.

Priebe: Clark Priebe, an immensely talented cyclist. He is a relentless attacker, and a sMACK, which I don't hold against him, it's just something I can't figure out.

ZsMACK: Time trialist. Second or maybe third strongest rider in the race. Makes races happen, aggressive. Tactically astute. One of the good guys.

Scherr: The fastest guy in the race. Rides for Met Life team.

BurnersMACK: The third or maybe fifth fastest guy in the race. He's a new hire to the team. He answered a help wanted add that stated "successful applicant must enjoy splitting prize winnings with guys who don't deserve it."

HeadsMACK: No introduction needed.

DownLowsMACK: A decent fellow who proves that not all sMACKs are sCHMUCKs

Flick-n-sMACK: Ditto above

Druber: I was racing sans support as the rest of my team was spending time with their mothers and wives.

LickspttlesMACKs - Any of the number of nameless, faceless pack filler who do little more in races than what comes naturally to them, which is taking sketchy lines through corners and riding slowly, fanned out across the road. HeadsMACK calls this "blocking like hell". If it has to have a name, I suppose this is as good as any.

This is what happened…

The Masters 40+ field was roughly 30-40 riders small. Of that number, slightly under half wore the red, white and electric blue of the sMACKs. The sMACKs, cajoled into attendance by the HeadsMACK, show up en masse at smaller events and stack the field. HeadsMACK knows this increases the odds that one of the two or sometimes three riders on the team with legitimate talent just might cross the finish line first. It looks good on the following season's sponsorship proposal to include a win in a city like Chicago or Iowa City, just so long as the sponsors don't know that only12 riders were racing and 10 of them were sMACKs. Perception is reality.

The official started us off and before we got to turn one of the 40 minute plus 2 lap race, RastasMACK was off the front, which produced a collective yawn from the 20 or so non sMACK riders in the race. A quarter of a mile later LickspittlesMACK attacked and joined RastasMACK. Soon there after a Met Life rider joined them off the front and before the end of the first lap had dropped both of them. This caused an immediate reaction by HeadsMACK.

"Priebe, we gotta pull it back"

"Why? We haven't even been racing for 4 minutes yet."

"Don't question me! I'm a tactical GENIUS. I know things that you'll NEVER understand! Pull it back!"

"Why don't we just the Met Life guy sit out there by himself in the wind for a couple of laps?"

"PULL IT BACK!!!!!" HeadsMACK was having an anxiety attack and we were only on the back stretch of the second lap. With that, Priebe and Flick-n-sMACK went to work and a half lap later the race was Gruppo Compacto.

ZsMACK attacked just off the catch of the previous break and was joined by a Met Life rider and LickspittlesMACK. As they gained ground, I asked myself whether or not I should attempt to bridge. I figured this would cause a reaction; it was only the second lap of the race and before long another sMACK would try to get across the gap and they'd pull their team mates break back. I decided not to waste the effort. Sure enough, one of the LickspittlesMACKs under orders from HeadsMACK tried to get across, only to have the field line up behind and before long we were all square once again.

Everyone was astonished that a sMACK was trying to bridge to a break consisting solely of two sMACKs.

ZsMACK had a look on his face that gave away his stupefaction at being chased down by his own team. With the field back together again, HeadsMACK began barking orders like a deranged Field Marshall.

"Priebe! ATTACK!"

"BURNER! ATTACK!!!"

"GO, GO, GO, GO!!!"

"FLICK! BLOCK!!"

Each attack was quickly covered and nullified. We had raced 4 laps at this point and HeadsMACK was in full froth. It was exhausting to watch, but since I was covering a good number of the attacks, I was really enjoying myself.

The mid part of the race was taken up with Priebe attacking the field, yours truly marking, the two of us getting a small gap and the sMACKs chasing. There were other counters and covers by other riders as well. The race was very aggressive on the flat, windswept course. A short time later, after a potential break of ours was nullified by Priebe's team for a third time. I looked at Priebe, he looked at me and we both shook our heads.

"Your team is chasing you down Clark."

"They are?"

"Look who's at the front of the chase."

Looking back, Burner, DownLow, Rasta and Lickspittle were followed by HeadsMACK who was yammering non stop.

Priebe asked Burner, "Why are you chasing me?"

"I'm not"

"You're not?"

"I'm not"

"Who is?"

"Druber"

"Druber was up the road with me."

"I know. He chased you."

"But…"

"We have orders."

Priebe had just been thrust into the Chrono-Syclastic Infundebula - A place in space and time where all explanations and reasons, regardless of how contradictory are right. He was clearly bewildered.

While Priebe was trying to wrap his head around what was going on, a Met Life rider attacked up the right side of the road with ZsMACK on his wheel. It was a good move into the headwind and a gap was quickly formed. I could tell Priebe liked the move. He did not react. ZsMACK was 90% likely to win the race out of that move if it held up over the remainder of the race. I thought to myself, I should try to get to that move at some point. However, to my benefit, before it became necessary for me to make a decision about when to try to bridge to ZsMACK and the Met Life rider, BurnersMACK made the timing easy for me. He attacked from off of my wheel, and closed the gap to his team mate. Priebe countered, I jumped on, we had a gap and once again, DownLow and LickspittlesMACK led the charge to close the gap.

I laughed out loud. I couldn't hold it any more.

"You guys are so FLIPPIN' STOOPID!" Only I didn't say flippin'.

"Clark, your team is a bunch of Chuckleheads! What in the hell are they doing?"

"Damned if I know."

"They're racing like Morons."

In a break consisting of Priebe and me, Priebe would win the race 9 times out of 10. The 10th time he might get a flat after the free laps were done and I would win. Yet, the sMACKs, under orders from HeadsMACK were burning every candle they had to bring us back. DownLowesMACK offered the following explanation from his vantage point in the Chrono-Synclastic Infundebula

"You don't understand. We have a plan. Priebe isn't the Go To guy."

"Go To guy?"

"Yeah, Go To guy."

"Why then is it that every time he's up the road alone or with someone else your team keeps trying to "go to" him?"

"That's not what I mean."

"You mean you don't want him to win the race?"

"Now you're being difficult. We have a plan."

"A plan?"

"Yes, a plan. We made a strategy before the race. We have a Go To guy."

"Who? Burner?" I said with a skeptical lift in my voice.

"I'm not saying."

"But suppose it is Burner…hypothetically speaking of course. Why is he chasing all the breaks? Won't that make him tired? Shouldn't Burner just relax and let you guys do the work for him?

"The rest of us aren't strong enough to pull you and Priebe back so he has to do it."

"Okay, but even at that, don't you guys know that Burner won't win this race?"

"Why not?"

"Because he's not the fastest guy. The fastest guy always wins the race."

"Who's the fastest guy?"

"Scherr."

"Oh.We forgot about him. HeadsMACK just told us not to let you,under any circumstances get up the road with anyone, and if you did, not to trade pulls."

"Well that explains why you're chasing down Priebe when I'm with him, but he'd beat me 9 out of 10 times so it still doesn't make sense. And, it doesn't explain why you guys are chasing ZsMACK when he's up the road."

"He's not the Go To guy. We have a plan."

"So did Wolfowitz and Rumsfeld."

"What?"

"So did Wolfowitz and Rumsfeld. They had a plan and when things didn't go according to the plan, they still stuck with it and now look at the quagmire we're in."

Flick-n-sMACK piped in at this point.

"That's not a quagmire."

"It's not?"

"No, not enough water for a quagmire. By definition, in order to be bogged down in a quagmire, you need water. Can't get bogged down in sand and rubble. There isn't enough water in Iraq to create a quagmire to get bogged down in. Now Viet Nam on the other hand….plenty of water, rice paddies all over the place. THAT was a quagmire."

HeadsMACK chimed in "Yeah, and Hannity says we're winning the war and he's a Great American."

"Okay, gentlemen, focus. This isn't Iraq were talking about. I was just making an analogy. This is a bike race and your pre race strategy clearly isn't working but yet, you stick to it."

"Priebe isn't the Go To guy."

"I know that now. But does he know that? Because it appears to me that he's trying desperately to win the race."

"I don't know if he knows that, we're just doing our job."

"And that is?"

"Don't let Druber get up the road." DownLow and Flick-n-sMACK said in unison.

"Even if I'm with Priebe and Burner?"

"Even if you're with Priebe and Burner"

"They'd both beat me. I don't understand."

"If you get up the road, we lose the race."

"Even if Priebe and Berner cross the line ahead of me?"

"That's what HeadsMACK said."

"You realize that if this race comes down to a bunch sprint Burner won't win?"

"Who will?"

"Scherr."

"Oh…We forgot about him. HeadsMACK just told us…"

"I know…I know…Don't let Druber get up the road under ANY circumstances. Of course you know why he's telling you that, right?"

"Because he wants us to win the race."

"No, because he hates me."

"What does that have to do with us winning the race?"

"Nothing."

"Then why would he tell us that?"

"He wants to frustrate me and show me that I'm not strong enough to take you guys on 12 against one. Even if sMACK doesn't cross the finish line first, in his world, you will have won if I don't cross the finish line first, or get into a break."

"Druber, now you're being obtuse." Priebe had joined the conversation.

"Oh believe me. In HeadsMACK's world, the worst thing that can happen at a bike race is for me to cross the finish line first or be in a break that he's not in to heckle me. It doesn't matter if a sMACK wins the race, just so long as I don't get into the winning break. You team's entire race strategy is built around one guy NOT winning. It has nothing to do with your team winning. Can't you see that? I'd go so far as to say that if I'm the focus of your pre race strategy, I'm so far inside HeadsMACK's skull that I've already won the race"

"How do you figure?"

"Why do we race?"

"Money."

"Wrong, this race has $30 for the winner which you fools will have to split 12 ways. Try again."

"Fitness."

"You're kidding right? Why risk broken bones for fitness, we can ride our bikes at home and not put ourselves in harms way. We don't race for fitness. Come on think, boys."

All I got were blank stares.

"Ego! We race for ego" I said. "Just imagine…What's a greater ego trip? Winning a small race or having an entire team's pre race strategy built solely to frustrate you? I submit it's the latter; you guys are so preoccupied with me that you'll thwart your own chances to win simply to see that I don't. That feeds my ego immeasurably. I've won the race."

"How have you won the race, it isn't finished yet?"

"Isn't it?"

"Is it?"

"Go ask HeadsMACK."

"HeadsMACK, Druber here says the race is already over and that we didn't win, despite our enormous numerical advantage and a pre race plan. He also says he's inside your skull."

"Druber's full of shit! Z! ATTACK!"

"He left the race a lap or two ago after we chased him down." Flick-n-sMACK countered.

It was true. In the closing laps, Priebe attacked a half dozen more times with me on his wheel and we were summarily chased down by Burner, DownLow and the crew. ZsMACK retired from the race, unable to reach a point in time and space where all explanations and reasons were right, regardless of how contradictory. It just made sense to him that if his own team was keeping him from winning the race, he should just stop trying.

With two laps to go, Priebe made a beautiful counter attack after a furious chase and got a gap by himself. It was a prefect move. Scherr saw the opportunity when HeadsMACK tried to pin me against a curb and bridged up to Priebe.

Flick-n-sMACK asked HeadsMACK if the team shouldn't chase down Priebe again.

"Shouldn't we go after that?"

"No, let it go."

"But Priebe's not the Go To guy." DownLow offered.

"Scherr is gonna wax Priebe in the finish." I said.

"Yeah, but Druber, you're not up the road, we're gonna win the race!" HeadsMACK retorted.

"Even if Scherr crosses the line first?"

"Yes, that doesn't matter, so long as you don't cross the line first or get up the road."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"It absolutely makes sense. I'm always right as far as I know. To boot, Burner is going to win the field sprint and you'll be shut out."

"Burner won't win the field sprint."

"Then who will smart ass?"

"My money is on A damn chick. I saw how he beat you by 5 bike lengths in the 50+ race and besides that, have you seen how bulked up he is? My god he must be spending a LOT of time in the weight room to get as swoll as he is. He's as buff as Brian Urlacher ferchissakes, and explosive as that guy with all the tattoos on the Rock-n-Rye team"

"Clinger?"

"No. The other guy."

"Leo Grande?"

"No. The other guy."

"Bahati?"

"No. The other guy."

"Oh yeah, that guy…the one with the Prince Albert?"

"Yeah, that one."

"Flick-n-sMACK, an astute observer of races submitted the following to HeadsMACK; "You know Druber has a point. Scherr is faster than Priebe and all this work we've done for our Go To guy will be for naught."

"No it won't" HeadsMACK snapped back. "Druber isn't going to win and if Scherr beats Priebe, Scherr won't write bad things about our team in Truesport like Druber would, so just let it go. Besides which, I'm tired from chasing ZsMACK all race long."

"Yeah, me too, and chasing Priebe whenever Druber was up the road with him has me all tapped out, I can't chase another one of Priebe's breaks." DownLow concurred.

In the end, Scherr won the race as the fastest guy always does. Priebe was 2nd and BurnersMACK did not win the field sprint.

Next week, a timed stage race in Michigan.