THE RACING CHRONICLES: Cruising LaJolla with the Rhino Searching for Meth and a Rent Boy.

If you have to explain it, it's not funny

911 was devastating, especially for me.
Because it was the same day-
the exact same day I learned
that, I found out
that the Chi Soy Latte was like 900 calories.

I'm going to see my favorite niece.
(And the other one too.)
She's crazy about me and I love that.

Sara Silverman
"Jesus Is Magic"

I.

How bad can it be?
If I flail, all I have to do is write it up on TrueSport in a self effacing way.
Not TOO self effacing though.
If I succeed, it is all because of my unbelievable natural talent, and
good looks and impeccable tan.
It seems to work for other people on Truesport.

I just want to be one of the cool kids.

Jack Daugherty
On Entering Devil's Punchbowl.

It was more or less as this:

MKA: Billy, did you read your friend Druber's article about Canyons.

Self: No

MKA: You have to and right now.

Self: Why? I already know what he wrote.

MKA: How?

Self: Because he always writes the same story; he just uses different places. He is Joe Gould.

MKA: Who?

Self: Joseph Mitchell long ago wrote "Joe Gould's Secret."

MKA: Huh.

Okay, Joe Gould lived from here to there in New York City and was always writing his oral history of New York. He had patrons who would give him money for cheap hotels and such. When he died Joseph Mitchell came into possession of his hundreds of journals. They all contained the same story.
I don't really care about time trials, the Rhino, stupid masters who won't race as he wants, or drinking stories. So, unless his latest is about me or contains naked pictures of his wife I would rather work on my article about whether Cycling is Really the New Golf.

MKA: Yeah, well take a minute and look at it.

One Minute Later.

Self: Okay, so what's the big deal?

MKA: Did you really read it.

Self: Well, I looked at the parts about me and while it would have been more interesting had he pursued that subject

MKA (Interrupting): You idiot! He took my stuff.

Self: Hey listen, I've got a spam call I need to answer and you have lives to saves and oceans to clean. Let's leave this alone.

MKA: No, you have to fix it or I won't let you be my friend. And I'll make fun of you.

Self: Okay, I'll take care of it.

II.

She' gotta be pretty and she's gotta be smart.
She's gotta be funny.
She's gotta have a perfect smile, just like me.
I just need a star but who could it be?
She's gotta have that thing that you just can't define.
IT'S ME.

Sara Silverman

In the concluding scene of her astounding send up of narcissism and pretension Sara Silverman is in her dressing room talking to herself in the mirror. She gives herself a huge kiss and announces "you are a star, and I am a star fornicator (sic)." And so it is that she puts a final stiletto heel into the pinheads of those who against all experience chose to believe there is insight in those around whom the world revolves. Alas, we here at the Chronicles have only the tools or satire, irony, reason and insight to offer-devices utterly useless in the face of a Sun god's glow. We have tried; and failed-and miserably so. An example or two should suffice.

We have for years noted the utter ludicrousness in indoor trainer races. Yet, this winter past two such articles got past the Chronicle's spam filter that is supposed to delete all email containing "indoor + cycling+ race." The first seemed to complain of people who someone cheat in such races and in the other Druber took umbrage at being called out by a racer who says he didn't cheat but just had the flu. Now, putting aside the obvious perplex of why anyone would leave home and pay to ride inside someone else's home against similar fools, there was the more extant question of why after calling someone a cheater you'd bring attention to your cravenness by essentially demanding an apology for your own slander. Perhaps the Self should can the Cycling as New Golf idea and ponder whether Indoor Cycling is the New Marriage.

Then the Self dared suggest that a continual spew of undisguised disdain toward his former bete noir was doing what had been thought impossible, viz. making the target a sympathetic figure. No, what we got back was a statement that kicking a dying dog was too much fun.

Alas, MKA, your sun god friend orbits his own universe and you are nowhere near the center. All we can do is recount the birth of your idea and let others chose their preference.

III.
The Set Up and the Mail

The Druber wrote that he was in Southern California and wanted to hook up with Labor at the Canyons Circuit Race. The Hawk suggested that Druber join up for the master melt up. As you know Druber was going to do the Dreamer Race with his sidekick. Parenthetically, the Hack Pack noted that the Rhino had no chance in either the master road race much less the Dream division. MKA tried humor. The emails were this:

Druber to Hover: Arriving Friday night. Maybe we can get together for those fish tacos you're so fond of. I'm doing the 1,2 races.

Hover: You Duh-Reeeeeeeeeeemer. I will assign TS Fugger as your wing man.

Billy Stone:
Being pounded in a Pro I Event is not the same as being Pounded in Master Forty Plus. So much more pride to lose in 40 Plus Debridement. There are narcissistic souls in play here.

MKA: The Ego Conversion Chart:

Top 30 in Pro 1-2 = 1st in Silly Master Race
30-60 in Pro 1-2 = 2nd in Pathetically Slow Masters "race"
Finishing Pro 1-2 race in same calendar day +Priceless Didjaseeme Bonus Points

Druber: Once again Billy is able to get to the heart of the matter.

Billy Stone:
It is too late to enter the fray now my good friend. You have chosen to get to write a story about " Me and the Rhino Taking Shots in the Canyon. Crazed hunters high on gay boy meth and rancid with Valley Fog Stink. But, we braved on least we be stuck to only riding a fifty mile race with the guys who don't even use Cocoa Wax."

In fact you can add a side column on waxing up for the big one.

And don't forget how much Tequila you had to sweat out-which is another reason you had to do the Big Boy Race-more miles, more sweat.

Druber: Billy, I'd much rather read your version.

MKA: Billy, I'm too busy saving lives, I want you to explicate on my Ego Conversion theorem.

Billy: I won't be able to beat Druber to it. But don't worry, he'll change it so it won't be funny and then give you credit.

And we'll leave it to you as to whether it more or less what came to pass.

IV.
Narcissism Conversion Principle

The Chronicles called the Hawk to congratulate him on his victory in the pathetically slow so called Master Race in which he won the overall and two stages. Understandably he couldn't understand why Druber had written about him when in fact he had not even spoken with him after the race much less professed shame for having not done the pro race. (This of course is not to say that Hawk was not ashamed. We didn't ask.) However, he was more taken with the irony that Druber and Rhino had entered the Pro race to get "more miles' but yet had only ridden two laps while the pathetic masters had gone six laps and six times up the one mile climb. Gee whiz, the things we have to explain. It's as this:

If a real race is 10 laps and a so called master race is six laps then is the world of a sun god.

1. One lap of a Dream Race equals six laps of phony named master race. This is because of the extremely higher speed of the Professional Race. Ergo, it takes more POWER to do one lap of the Big Boy Race than six of the Big Wheel Race.

2. Two laps of a Dream equals winning both the Baby Master and Old Man Master Races. This is because the second lap of the Real Race is always much faster than the first and thus two laps equals at least 12 of the Three Wheel Recumbent Division.

Besides, David, you need to understand that Druber could have finished if he had wanted. It's right there in the article. He wrote that even though he was dropped on the climb he could have kept catching up by descending fast and then using his finely tuned time trial skills-you see he rides indoor time trials all winter just for such eventualities. Now, David, I don't know about you but the Self is always dropping out of races he could have finished. Yes indeed. In fact we here at the Chronicles have not been able to document a single instance in which the Self quit or was dropped from a single race he could have finished or even started. So, while others might question we here at the Chronicles chose to believe.

And so it goes.

Now. Roger. Can I eat ice cream in the Entertainment Room?

Billy Stone
Ride Fast and Take Chances.