In the (Feed) Zone
w/Mark Swartzendruber

August Crits

THE WORLD IS AN ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET AND I'M STARVING TO DEATH

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not having a very good season. I can't really put a finger on an explanation. I have my suspicions. Rather that bore the reader with the possibilities and scenarios, I'll just let it be said that I'm having my arse handed to me by dipshits and currently there is nothing I can do to stop it.

August is a great month to be a bike racer in IL, unless you're not having a good season. Every weekend in the suburbs of Chicago a racer can find a criterium offering a large payout, even for the masters. Sponsors and promoters are throwing money around like venture capitalists during the dot com boom of the '90s. Every Pro Am crit has a purse of at least $1000, with some as high as $25,000 and the masters races are seeing 4 figure prize lists. The buffet table is full and I've been leaving with an empty plate. So far I'm 0 for August. I suck.

WOOD DALE CRITERIUM

Has any one heard of American Bicycle Racing? It's a sanctioning body that operates largely in the Midwest but sanctions races nationally as well. It's part of the Federation of Independent Cycling Associations. The ABR IL state criterium championship kicks off the month of August, though this year, the race was on June 30. June 30, 2006 will go down as one of the hottest days of the year. The Heat index rose to over 110 degrees. I registered for the 50 minute plus 2 lap 30+ race and the 80 minute plus 2 lap 1,2 race. My team mate Moso and I toed the line with about 35 others for the 30+ event. Met Life had a large contingent as did the Village Cyclery out of Chicago. Moso has been a stellar domestique for the team this season and has selflessly given up results he could easily have obtained in order to help Stony Pony, Sparkie and I. This time it was his turn. As we discussed strategy before the race, I told him it was his race. I'd do the work and when he was ready he could go and I'd defend as best I could.

Met Life sent a guy up the road on lap 2, I rode tempo for a few laps and kept him close. Eventually he wore himself out and came back to the fold. A couple of attacks and chases later, Moso took off with 2 Met Life guys and the race was shut down. Met Life and I chased guys who tried to bridge until the beak was clear, I won a $20 prime with a surprisingly strong sprint - like I had some one else's legs and Moso dropped his two breakaway companions. This caused a brief flurry of attacks from Met Life until Paul Swinard and Adam Lesniakowski of Village Cyclery attacked out of the field, got clear and bridged up to Moso. With 10 minutes left in the race, sMACK rider Mike Zellman (no nickname given to classy riders) went up the road and did a long solo for 4th. I attacked late with Brad Menna from Met Life on my wheel and we stayed away for 5th and 6th. Up the road, Moso did an excellent job of working with the other two and they caught the back end of the field with 3 to go. Moso took second in the end sprint to win the race ahead of Swinard and Lesniakowski.

At the beginning my late break away, I looked under my arm and saw a wheel that remained behind me for a lap plus ½. I barked, "Pull, through dipshit" at the unknown rider, whose wheel I was seeing. It turned out the wheel belonged to Brad Menna. Brad is not a dipshit. Brad is a good guy as are all of the Met Life guys. They enjoy racing, they've been together for a number of years in various incarnations from True Value Hardware, to Higher Gear, Vox Vodka and now Met Life. I enjoy seeing them line up at races because I know it's going to be an active race and regardless of the outcome, those guys will show unassuming nature despite being good racers and realize this isn't blood sport, just a hobby.

As the afternoon wore on, the heat index rose. I found some shade, drank a half gallon of water took some electrolyte pills and readied for the next race. I've chronicled my difficulty in heat since the TN meltdown so I won't go there again, but I was concerned.

The 1,2 race was aggressive, fast, and controlled by the ABD team. 20 minutes into the race a break with ABD riders Mumford, Mead, Puffer and Met Life rider Scott Pearson went off. Turin had a large team and they did some work to try to bring the break back but with 2 of the top time trailers in the country, that break was gone. They lapped the field. At 40 minutes I was out of fluid. I tossed an empty bottle off at the ABD tent and asked for a refill. Technically there was no feeding in the race, but with the heat index at over 110 degrees at this point, and seeing bottles being handed out on the back side of the course, I figured that mercy was prevailing over judgment at this point. Lo and behold, as we came around on the next lap, I had a bottle waiting for me. With that, ABD support people started an impromptu neutral feed. Neutral, as in they were giving water to anyone who asked for it, not just ABD riders and friends.

I consumed the contents of my bottle over the next 15 minutes assuming that more was to come as I was desperately trying to stave off dehydration. I tossed off another bottle and was told by a kid in the corner that "we can't, we got busted!" "What?" No more water? 30 minutes left to race and no more fluid. I withdrew at 1:10 with cramps again. This is what happened:

A woman in a blue wrap around skirt saw the ABD people offering neutral support to riders who needed water. Who knows why; I assume she is either one of those fuzzy headed liberal uplifter types and her"level playing field for all" socialist view of the world was violated or she is a hard hearted "rules are rules" right wingers with no sense of humanity or compassion. Whatever he bent, she was certainly not a pragmatist. She was more of a…May I use the term cooze? She protested to the head official and demanded that he forbid ABD from handing out water to guys who were losing quarts of fluid every 20 minutes. My god what does she care and does she have no sense of compassion? I guess she must have had a husband/boyfriend/companion in the race who she felt was at a disadvantage because other riders were taking bottles, but whatever her angst, it was there for all. At any rate, the water dried up as the mercury shot above 100 and the heat index became 120 degrees.

As the rest of the race went on, Mead and Mumford lapped the field that was now moving along at about 18 per in the heat, for a second time. Puffer won the field sprint; Moso made a great late attack and got away with another rider to take 6th spot.

Moso is heading to Colorado for Masters Track Natz. Those of you going, be on the lookout for a skinny, roadie looking guy. He's gonna kick your ass. He's on form. Don't let the lack of pectoral mass, a flat belly and skinny, sinewy legs fool you. Though he's not the typical Hulking trackster, he's a ripper.

GRAYSLAKE CRITERIUM

The inaugural Grayslake Criterium was held in a planned community called Prarie Crossings on a course that looked like a backward capital letter E. The pavement was perfect the road was flat the corners were round, the race went fast and no one crashed. Andy Crater won out of an 11 rider move that Moso and I missed despite riding at the front when it went off.

TOM and JUNE DOUGHTY

I wrote in my last piece that I've been fortunate to meet a number of genuinely good, bright and entertaining people through bike racing. The Doughtys are two of those people. Tom rides for the AMD/Discovery Channel masters team. He won the USCF Masters 45-49 road race in 2000. More importantly, here is a brief list of his accomplishments:

1976, 1980, 1984 Olympic Teams; 1979 Pan Am Games gold medalist. Former Elite and Masters National Road Champion.

He was actually ON the Olympic teams. He's not one of those poser types habitually clamoring for attention who tell people they were on the Olympic Team when in reality they were just on the long selection list. He won races all over Europe and South America and in the US. He beat a kid named Greg LeMond in the 1980 Olympic TT trial. Tom was a no shit racer. Better yet, he is a real human being with a soul. I had the privilege of spending the evening with Tom and his stunner of a wife June after the Grayslake race. We enjoyed a great night of conversation, stories and laughs on their back patio. Among other things mostly not related to bike racing, we talked about the struggle of reconciling what we used to be able to do in bike races with where we are now and the fact that when it all is said and done, we really just like riding bikes and the racing is peripheral. As Tom said, "I've seen God, 3 times: coming down mountains in the Alps, hitting a pothole in San Antonio and in Italy. I've crashed hard and don't remember details. I've had flats at 55 mph with the option of going off a cliff or laying the bike down. I don't need to take chances on the last lap of one of these masters races to make 50 bucks. It's just not that important. I don't want to fall down anymore."

Which provides a nice segue to my next race:

THE ELGIN CRITERIUM

I knew it was going to be a long day when I saw no less than 12 sMACKs warming up. I was at the race alone. I spotted Dale Sedgewick of the strong Grand Performance team from St. Paul, Minnesota rolling around prior to the race. I didn't realize he was 40, so I was pleasantly surprised.

"You're 40?"
"Yah just turned this year."
"Wow. Time flies, eh"
"Oh, yah, Sure" (Dale's from Minnesota after all)
"Hey you want to work together in this race? There are 20 billion sMACKs that are going to clog the course and by the time it's all said and done, you're gonna want to slit your own throat rather than have them all latched on your wheel like leeches in a swamp."
"Yah, I noticed that too. How do these races usually play oot?"
"Well it'll be like this. sMACKs will generally start with one or two guys going out fast. That would be Fleckenstein and Bratton. No one will chase if I'm in the race because they figure eventually I'll do it. If those two guys get caught or wear out, they'll just keep sending guys off until everyone is sick and tired of chasing and they'll have a break. The theory being that if you throw enough turds against a wall, one or two are bound to stick.
"That doesn't sound too fun."
"No it's pretty frustrating"
"Do any of the other teams help out?"
"They're intimidated by the numbers the sMACKs put on the line and besides that, this is a masters race… Most teams only have so many matches to burn and they'd rather not be burning them with half the field, all sMACKs lined up behind waiting for their last match flame to die out."
"So what do we do?"
"Well usually I try to avoid getting in races with them alone but since this is the only thing going on and there is good money to be had I thought I'd take the chance. So, like I said, Fleckenstein will go out hard. Bratton will likely jump some time later. I prefer to let 'em go and toast for a while. When they start to die I'll pull you close because no one else will. You attack when you feel the gap is jumpable. Priebe will mark you and the race will be over. You and Priebe will probably drop whatever sMACK happens to be up the road at the time you can fight it out with him for the V"
"Sounds like a plan"

The above unfolded exactly as predicted, Priebe won Sedgewick got second and I can't tell you what happened beyond that other than I left the buffet table empty plated again because I got stuck in a pile up in the last corner of the next to last lap.

KronsMACK

He's been in the Chronicles as Kronholio, He's been in the Argo of Max Kash as Kornholio. I've also written about him a time or two. If memory serves, he wrote a rebuttal on Truesport about whether or not Labor is a bunch of crybabies and McGeensMACK cheated the Vampire at Whitefish Bay.

I don't know much about KronsMACK as a person. He's cordial in pre race banter, he seems to be a fine father, a good husband and his team mates appear to like him. As a bike racer, he is able. He generally races at the front and will put up good results from time to time.
It's also true that very few racers I know spend more time on the pavement or putting other guys on the pavement than he does. He is reckless. You'll recognize him by the fishnet gauze he wears on his legs and arms a good percentage of the time. When not covered by bandages, the surface of his shins and fore arms is largely scar tissue. Ask any one who has been a player in the masters races at Superweek for the past 3 years and you will be told that KronsMACK is generally a few wobbly pedal strokes, a narrow gap, a finishing straight zig-zag or a sharply cut corner away from taking himself or some one else out of a race. It happened again at Elgin. In the 145 degree last corner just before the bell lap, KronsMACK decided that he need to go wide, well outside of the path of EVERY OTHER RIDER in the corner and then cut back sharply to the inside of the turn. I suppose that would have worked if he were the first guy into the turn but as it was he chopped Mark Ziontes who went down hard and caused a chain reaction pile up. Doughty and I ended up unclipped on the sidewalk and I heard bikes fall behind me.

After the race I questioned him about the overly aggressive move.

"What the hell was that corner all about?"
"What are you talkin' about?"
"Dude, you chopped 3 guys and put a bunch of others in the curb?"
"I never got my wheel bumped; I came t'rough clean. I can't look behind me in a corner. If guys fell it's deir fault"
"No, you didn't get bumped because the guys you chopped hit their brakes to avoid you. You didn't have to look behind you to see other riders; all you had to do was look to your left."
"Dat was da line dat had to be taken at dat speed. If doze guyz hit deir brakes its becuz dey can't handle da speed. Dey got scared."
"Don't flatter yourself, we weren't going that fast."
"Well, I didn't get hit so if dey fell, it's deir fault."

What an ignorant ass thing to say. Akin to a guy cutting across 4 lanes of the freeway to get to the exit ramp and then claiming the drivers who got into a pile as a result of trying to avoid the reckless move wouldn't have crashed if they were better drivers. This is not just my perspective. I had at least 4 other riders, independently offer me the same assessment of what happened. In a season in which guys have been seriously injured in life altering ways, it's time to start calling out the idiots who take chances to gain a bit of vain glory at the expense of other riders.

After the race, HeadsMACK overheard me talking with Priebe about the incident, which I termed un called for. HeadsMACK asked:

"What was uncalled for?"
"KronsMACK caused a pile up…again.. By taking a really aggressive line and chopping guys"
"That was him?"
"Yep."
"Well that's bike racing, you can't do anything about it, things happen in split seconds and WAAHH, WAHHH you just have to move on and put it behind you."

Well, I disagree. Accidents happen, sure. But continued reckless racing by repeat offenders is sloppy, lazy and dangerous. It isn't "bike racing".

That's enough for now.

Druber