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Le
Duke du Louisville
On June 10 and 11 the city of Louisville, KY threw open her doors and allowed all manner of bike racing riff raff to cross the Ohio River from the North and to come up through the blue grass hills of bourbon country from the South and East for the LMPD (Louisville Metro Police Department) Foundation 200th anniversary celebration. In as much as the Papa John's and Texas Roadhouse teams - both fronted with nice budgets and comprised of decent and upstanding gentlemen bike racers - were lending their names as the presenting clubs, Team Delta decided to send a contingent of riders to the event. We were even able to coax Der Hausfrau to make the 11 hour trip up from Augusta, GA to join us. Der Hausfrau was more than willing to come up and share some time with his old team. The fact that there was real money - $2000 on the crit and $1000 on the road race the next day made the decision to race all the more appealing. The criterium course was a .7 mile, 8 corner dog bone shaped track, which meant that the race would split up immediately as those who can go around corners fast would do so and those who can't would either crash or white knuckle their way around with the brakes firmly clinched to their rims. Things split up after the requisite first lap crash and subsequent chase. A front group of PriebesMACK who is red hot, Pizza Boys Spanbauer and Beirne , Deltas Stone Pony and Hausfrau and TX Roadhouse leader Tolson were away with the Aged One, the 56 year old heart and lung machine called Le Duke. Le Duke was a pro circuit rider back in the '70's and some of his contemporaries tell me that he really wasn't one of the guys to watch back then. Apparently, Le Duke still carries the wounds of being an under achiever during his younger days which prompts him to train 20 or more hours a week in order to be able to manhandle masters fields in one hour crits and 30 mile road races. Delta had some bad luck when Stone Pony, who had moved into the final 4 rider break, had his chain snap with about 15 minutes left to race. I was in the second group on the road trying to keep the 5 Pizza Boys in that group in check so Redbeard could win the field sprint, a task in which he did not disappoint. 1.
Le Duke Legend has it that very afternoon in the very fast Pro 1,2 race Le Duke bridged from the back of the field to the winning break, 25 seconds up the road, in about a lap and ½. I'll say that again. 56 year old Le Duke closed a 25 second gap to 7 guys in a pace line doing 27 per, in about a mile. As Rev. Billy said, "I hope I can be that good by the time I'm his age." Druber Makes a Fool of Himself As the Masters race continued to disintegrate, I broke away briefly from the group I was in to catch the back of the field. Moving through the field as I was lapping them, HeadsMACK latched onto my wheel, which irritated me. Rather than taking out my frustrations on HeadsMACK, which I've done so many times in the past that I cannot count them any more, I turned instead to a rider who I perceived to be impeding my progress through the masses. The impediment was allowing the Pizza Boys time to catch up while I was bogged down in the lapped pack. I yelled at the aforementioned rider to move out of my way. He was operating under the assumption that I was also a lapped racer and he had every right to block me from trying to get off the front of the lapped pack. The rider would not give ground so I slapped him on his helmet, impolitely demanded that he get out of my way and I think I called him a name. The upshot is I became one of those testosterone addled idiots that I like to make fun of. I was ashamed of myself. The next day in the road race the same guys went up the road but this time Stone Pony's bike stayed together 1.
Le Duke I screwed up the finish in the worst way. With two laps to go, the skies opened up and golf ball sized raindrops started hitting us in the face. Menzel from the Bater's squad who was having a pretty fair race being a thorn in my flesh fell down in the downhill S curve which is not funny but it did at least get him off of my back wheel for the final two laps, only to be replaced by 4 Pizza Boys. I thought Hausfrau was there too, but he was having traction issues in the rain and wasn't even close as I did a leadout for the Pizza Boys right into the bottom of the last hill up to the finish line. Another Tom Trawl When I saw that there was a time trial to be held in Marine, IL on June 17 that paid medals and money, I sent in my registration immediately. Normally the payout for time trials in this part of the country is a smattering of applause and a medal. Since I've become a completely inept racer this season, time trialing and yelling at people are the only two things I do well anymore. This time trial was a 20k on the same course and the IL District TT to be held in July. I did a 26:17 and won. That's not the best part. After I got my blue ribbon the promoter handed me an envelope with $113 in it…for a time trial. Imagine that. Big Money and Bigger Frustration Mike Weiss who owns The Big Shark Cyclery in St. Louis (University City) does a superb job of making the St. Louis area a vibrant spot for bike racing. St Louis also has a couple of pretty strong, well stocked teams. Big Shark sponsors one team led by Butt Head and Joe "Hank" Hill and Mesa Cycles sponsors a team with seemingly 50 guys led by Jeff Schroetlin and Josh Carter. Shchroetlin is arguably the best all around racer in the Midwest alongside Reid Mumford of ABD and really doesn't need a team. He's strong enough to ride away from most races but instead he ends up shelling out money he could have won by himself to a group of 20 lackeys who do nothing more than clog up the roads when he's off the front by doing what comes easily to them...Riding slow and taking up huge amounts of road space. At least that's the way it looks to me. I do not include Carter and Crazy Tracy in that group of 20. The Tour de Winghaven was put on the schedule this year. It's a first year race with a $10k payout, 20 places deep. The track was 20 laps of a 3.3 mile circuit on CLOSED ROADS, with POLICE ESCORT, FULLY MARSHALLED INTERSECTIONS, SRAM NEUTRAL SUPPORT and COMPETENT OFFICIATING. In other words, a real bike race for us amateurs. Surprisingly, the only pro who made it down to St Louis to take the money was Brad Huff of the TIAA-CREF team. The race was predictably aggressive from the gun and numerous attacks and chases occurred over the first 4 laps. I was at the race sans team mates. Thus, I made every effort to be near the front to take advantage of getting into promising moves, which I did, but the promise soon wore off. At the end of lap 3/beginning of lap 4 I had been off the front with Josh Carter from Mesa. Our move got chased down just before the small hill into the start/finish area. When we got caught I gunned it again and bedlam broke loose. Jamie Kimberly from my old Turin squad and a frequent guest at my parties rudely countered the move with PriebesMACK who won the earlier masters 40+ race, on his wheel. The two rode away as I surveyed the situation and decided not to burn a match on that move. You know what happened without me having to say it. Just as I sat up and moved into the draft of the field, Huff and Schroetlin decided this was the move they wanted to be in and they bridged up with a few more riders. A 7 rider break formed and went up the road while the 48 remaining Mesa Cycling team riders clogged up the front and sat on every wheel that dared to move 20 feet off the front. Later 4 more got away, the race disintegrated, I ran out of water with 25 miles left to race and abandoned. A lot more happened in the mean time, it was a great, aggressive race but I was so frustrated when I pulled off that I called Kathy from the car and cussed for 30 minutes about nearly everything I could think of about why bike racing is a sport for complete idiots and fools and I never want to do anything but a time trial ever again because drafting isn't allowed and you don't need feed zones. 1.
Matthew Ankeny MARLUUUHV
GOES TO THE RACES Speaking of H - O - T…HOT, The Lovely Kathy and I have a very good friend, Marluuuhv who is like a sister to Kathy. Marluuuhv had never been to a bike race. Living basically around the corner from us she sees me doing laps in front of her house on a near daily basis as I try to catch a glimpse of her bending over doing yard work or maybe if I'm really lucky, in the driveway washing her car while wearing a bikini. She has been after Kathy and I to take her to a bike race and with the host hotel of the LMPD races being the classy and historic Seelbach in Louisvile, we decided this would be the perfect venue for Marluuuhv's fist bike race. In the photo above Marluuuhv is on the left next to the bootyliscious Kathy watching the kid's races in Louisville. Rev. Billy took the photo. He told the ladies he was taking a photo of the 2wheelsport.com inflatable start finish arch, not their butts. Marluuuhv is classy, smart and has a fiery wit to match the fiery red hair. She does not suffer fools and she is tough as nails. By default, she is well out of the league of most men. Her husband is a lucky man. She does tolerate my company as long as I'm with Kathy and I don't speak. Marluuuhv is the mother of a precocious 10 year old daughter. This fact classifies Marluuuhv as what the kids like to call a MILF*. Or, as Marluuuhv's husband Cletus likes to call her, a WILF. Marluuuhv and her husband are such good friends that they were willing to subject themselves to bike racing culture as long as it wasn't going to take up too much of the weekend. They watched the Cat 3 boys strut around like peacocks, they heard the trash talk, they watched the kids race, which was adorable, they saw a couple of crashes and they had the privilege of making the acquaintance of sage Reverend Billy. After the race they enjoyed 4th street in Louisville. On Saturday night we ate an aquarium full of sushi at Louisville's finest Sushi restaurant called "RAW". We had reservations graciously arranged for us at another fine restaurant by Sam Schadd, the race promoter but when the Sushi urge hits, it's hard to deny and RAW was as good as we've had anywhere. To top it all off, our waitress Emily was the cutest thing on God's green earth and we just wanted stay in the lively, fun atmosphere of RAW. On Friday night the girls were able to get good and lickerd on dirty martinis at the Makers Mark Restaurant. They make a fine drink at that Tavern, but the food was average and quite overpriced. At any rate, Marluuuhv and Cletus enjoyed the bike race and with Kathy along side to interpret the race dynamics they didn't think bike racing was boring and stupid, which is a credit to the people who put the race in Louisville on.
Druber *For definition, please refer to the prescient film "American Pie".
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