THE RACING CHRONICLES

The Chronicles Revealed; or the Self Exposed as Fanny Pack Racer.

A Fanny Pack (also called a fag bag (offensive slang), belt bag, butt bag
waist pack, belly bag or in England a bum bag) is an accessory often worn
by travelers. It is a small pouch-like bag that ties or snaps around the waist.

The name varies in Commonwealth Countries because in England
fanny refers to a vagina.

Wipekia, the free dictionary

"But sir, he is very humble."
"Yes, and he has much about which to be humble."

Winston Churchill

"There is a man who needs no enemies.
Even his friends can't stand him"

Inherit the Wind
(On William Jennings Bryan)

I
Read My Blog

The Self finally engaged the wrath of a talented racer; and worse, a real racer possessed of seasoned wit, insight that belies his age and shaky Indiana University education, and a charming writing style that is just so not to be mistaken for understated insouciance. His makes all those self congratulatory wed logs worth suffering. It is an honor to be deconstructed by a young man of such evident talent. The Chronicles are then delighted to refer you to the cleverly titled "My Chronicle of Racing" by Bennett van Someone Great, www.bennet.blacktulip.net. This enormous talent is the team leader of the Bacardi Nuvo Racing Team; and had the Self known of the psychologically eviscerating lashing he was going to receive you can be certain the Chronicles would never have dared refer to that awesome team and its totally dedicated well meshed men of sacrifice as Alternative Life Stylers. No, indeed, the Self went too far and you can be sure it will never happen again. In the event you can't log on to what is no doubt an over loaded server we'll look at just a few of the more hilarious undertakings. However, because the Racing Chronicles-not to be confused with Bennett's "My Chronicle of Racing-" is nothing if not a family sensitive publication, certain very well placed and necessary to the meaning expletives will be deleted.

This guy is a total douche…. This dude obviously trains like 2 (sic) days a week, goes tanning while wearing bike shorts, and wears his "team jacket" all around even when wearing jeans and a _____ing fanny pack.

While it is quite a compliment, the Self someone doubts that riding around two hours a week at fifteen constitutes training. Also, near as can be determined it is almost impossible to train without having a coach, a heart rate monitor, an altimeter, a diary, and something called a training log. Besides training sounds a lot like work and well the Self has spent most of his life eschewing the notion that anything much good comes from working.

The Chronicles have no idea what Mr. Von Modestly Humble Great Racer has against Fanny Pack wearers but apparently they are not worn by real serious masculine athletes. The Self pointed this out to MKA last year when he was searching around for sun screen and a hat and was assured that men who shave their legs, have men rub them and apply softening cream in all manner of places hardly are going to look more effeminate just because they carry their necessities around in a small waist bag. That said, the Self is partial to those cute leather back packs that are sold at Coach. So, if anyone wants to send a gift that would be nice.

But when they start talking serious ____ about a race they know nothing about although they were allowed to enter, we got beef. Let us also mention that he has created a whole lot of total (sic) ridiculous vernacular for himself (sic). I struggled through this horse____ as best I could, its (sic) like he was tripping on acid when he wrote it. Can see this fanny pack wearing bastard patting himself on the back for calling Bacardi "alternative lifestyle riders" and cutting on Curtis for being "psychotic" and something else about being a redneck, come on man.

First, the Self is most grateful to have been permitted to enter the race; it is indeed a privilege and not a right to be graciously given the opportunity to participate in a race with Mr. Bennett Von on the Edge of Greatness. Also, it is about time someone had the acuity to point out that Self has no idea what goes on in these races; all these years the Chronicles have gotten by with making stuff up and it is indeed time for this to stop. Henceforth, the Chronicles promise to report nothing but the facts, and not some faux facts, no real right down to the gritty Fox News type facts. The Self has been chastened. It is especially nice to be brought to task by someone who cavalierly dispenses with generally accepted rules of grammar such as singular and plural subject and verb agreement or even the use of its interchangeably with it's- not even to mention that in writing it is generally accepted form to use it is. But heck the Chronicles are nothing if not petty; or as Mr. Von Fractured English notes later on, the Self is just a little Bitch. No doubt Mr. Bennett was recalling the famous exchange between Truman Capote and Gore Vidal-all in all the Self prefers the Vidal role if for no other reason than he wrote "The Right Man." .

Second, the Self is a bit puzzled by Mr. Bennett's concern about being referred to as an Alternative Life Style Rider. Apparently, he is not happy that his team is being sponsored by NUVO which advertises itself as Indianapolis' Alternative Newspaper which from the Self's reading means that it is a very pleasant alternative to the right wing nonsense that is the Indianapolis Star. Besides, the other sponsor is Bacardi which is well known to be one of the biggest contributors to conservative politicians, all in the interest of keeping its dominant market position protected. You can look it up.

If you were at the FRONT of the race you would talk to some of us now and again, and realize that the reason we fight with one another is that we train our asses off and make this our passion. When you put yourself totally into something you are willing to fight in the parking lot for it, and that's a better way to live the life of a rider than sitting in the back coming up with witty quips all race long, like a bitch.

Now, the Self concedes that he has never spent a lot of time at the front of any real races. However, he did in years past spend considerable time putting in jail people who committed violence upon others; and thus is at least somewhat in tune with what motivates people to do physical harm to others. The Self is just not quite ready to concede that to be a successful cycle racer a person has to possess anti-social personality defects, viz. people who regularly engage in violence are generally regarded as sociopaths. Nevertheless to the extent it takes being violently abusive the Self definitely does not have what it takes to be a real racer-that and a marked lack of physical talent.
But, then this all begs the question that rage is of any real use to athletes. Now, here is where once again reading gets in the way of convenient fairy tale beliefs. Athletes in the peak of performance almost always talk about being at peace, in slow motion, and calm; and a great deal of sports psychology (mostly applied cognitive therapy principles) is directed towards helping athletes achieve this state. Why just this year George Hincapie talked about his work with a local psychologist and he didn't mention a thing about fighting. But, hey what does he know about riding at the front of a race.

So, next time you come to a race, let us (sic) "alternative lifestylers" know and we will take you out of the misery of actually competing as quick (sic) as we can and drop you in the parking lot.

Self did show up at Eagle Creek and did finish the race. It was very magnanimous of Mr. Bennett to not drop Self in the parking lot-though it would have been a lot more fun to sit and watch.

2.
When In Doubt Blame Others

Nice Guys Finish Last

Leo Durocher

Racers are cocks.
It's part of the game.
Rarely are there nice guy champions.

Bennett. " My Chronicle of Racing"

We learn at a very young age that failure is
the norm in baseball and, precisely because we have failed, we hold
in high regard those who fail less often.
I also find it fascinating that baseball, alone in sport,
considers errors to be part of the game,
part of its rigorous truth.

Faye T. Vincent Jr.

Dan Vogt came within a Frankie Andreau of making the Olympic Team in the Points Race a few years ago. He lived in the Self's neighborhood and his parents now live around the corner. Dan was in from So Cal a few weeks ago and we went riding with Curtis and Tracie Huber. Being that Curtis is from Kentucky and thus not able to read the Self was spared a beating for having referred to him so derisively as being silly for riding the Anderson time trial. Now, as it turns out Dan has in his career actually won some real races and so the Self was perplexed as to how someone so seemingly nice could compete in a world in which only bad boys with nasty tempers succeed. Dan assured Self that had he only known that nice guys don't win he would have cultivated a more abusive demeanor. It was suggested that his parents were to blame.

Anyway, no such flaws attend our Mr. Bennett Von Bad Guy. Seems he went down to Georgia and elbowed and fought his way into a prime starting position at Athens. But, alas he had a day without legs and thus got dropped. Presumably he made it out of the parking lot. It was good to know that the other guys were not better; no, he just had one of those inexplicable days. The next day at Roswell was proof of this anomaly. This time he again fought his way to the front of the start and was just cruising along in the top ten when he looked back to see all the guys he was hurting. However, he was then struck down by fools.

It seems that some inferior riders slowed down and he ended up on his head. Now, here is where the Self somehow loses the script. As Mr. Bennett Betrayed by Inferiors describes it, he is riding in tenth position when a huge crash caused by slower riders takes him out. Now, admittedly the Self has rarely found himself at the front of a race; but, somehow it seems that if a racer is in tenth position he cannot be taken down by a huge crash in front of him caused by slower riders. Perhaps all the fast guys were left at the start and thus they were passing the slow guys; but, Von Bennett was by his own humble description one of the fast guys with great legs-as opposed to the day before when he had no legs, or bad legs, or less than shapely well waxed and oiled legs. Perhaps the physics of cycling are different at the front-a sort of Heisenberg world where fast and slow can't be determined or in which intention cannot be known. Cycling at the high end of the sport must be very complicated. Oh well, the point is that Bennett was foiled by inferior riders. This happens to the Self quite a lot; almost every time Self gets dropped it is because someone less good went faster which is almost certainly cheating. And every time the Self has ever fallen down it is because someone else was at fault-usually a planned gang up as it were.

3.
More Fools

It is not just the Self that causes ire to Mr. Bennett. No, in an earlier post he takes on former successful Dreamer Pat O'Donnell. It seems that going to medical school full time, obtaining a residency in orthopedics while at the same time winning professional races is just not something to be admired. No, Dr. O'Donnell is just a fat man who lives on Jiffy Peanut Butter, marshmallows, and who is only respected by loser Cat IIIs, Masters, and Juniors who don't know anything about racing. And what did Pat do to earn such disrespect? Well, here again the Self someone can't follow the logic. It seems that in some spring race Pat directed invective toward the sensitive Mr. Bennett because he attacked through the Cat III field. So, let's see, it is okay for Mr. Bennett to fight in the parking lot because well all real racers do that, but it is strictly off putting to be the recipient of harsh words during a race. If consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds than Mr. Bennett is possessed of great intellect.

The final installment of My Chronicle of Racing is about the disgrace that is Collegiate Nationals. In the road race a group of no names were allowed to get up the road and then whenever a real name would go fast the rest of the no names would gang up and catch him. From the safety of the parking lot the Self has noticed that this seems to happen all the time at big races. Some slow unworthy racers get away and the fast worthy guys are ganged up on by the rest of the slow guys who for some inexplicable reason are able to follow the really fast guys up hills and around corners. Yes, it happens all the time.

Mr. Bennett did win the field sprint for third in the criterium.

4.
CODA

Some of my teammates were
surprised to learn that I have very dry wit.

Bennett Von Ironic

This cleverly dropped clue was overlooked at first. Boy, the Self was duped. It turns out "My Chronicle of Racing" is all dry wit, or rye wit and even perhaps staircase wit. And to think at first blush it just appears to be the product of someone witless. Surprise endings are always nice.

Ride Fast and Show Respect to NUVO BACARDI

Billy Stone, Fanny Pack Wearing Little Bastard Bitch
May 2006