In the (Feed)Zone
w/Mark Swartzendruber

Hoop Dreams

It's been an excellent off season. Oct 2, 2005 The Lovely Kathy and I exchanged vows of commitment and faithfulness in front of family and friends. I'm not kidding about this, The Lovely Kathy promised that she would always keep me as "at least a third priority" in her life in front of God and all the witnesses. This is what I respect about her. I doubt I could love a woman who would view me as the most important thing in her life. That woman would soon cease to be of interest to me.

Afterward we had a big party and a 2 week vacation. We went to Switzerland and Italy. While in Switzerland we visited the Commune (Township) of Trub, situated halfway between Luzern and Bern, from where the Schwartzentrub clan hails. When my Great Grandfather Shem came to America as a boy with the rest of his family to find inexpensive land for a dairy farm and the freedom to practice their Anabaptist (Mennonite) faith, the fine folks in the immigration office in Baltimore changed the family name to Swartzendruber. I wonder what nickname I would go by had the name not been changed by some boneheaded immigration officer back in the late 1800's

Italy was of course wonderful and due to some mechanical issues on our return flight, we were "forced" to spend 4 extra days in Florence. It was during those 4 days that Kathy began what will become a life long love affair with Limoncello. As my brother told me, it could have been worse, it could have been Bangladesh. I did not take my bike. The thought never even entered my mind. Seriously, and if it had, I would not be worth of such a woman as The Lovely Kathy.

Billy is the essayist that I wish I were. He agonizes over his work and only contributes when he believes he has something that is well written and profound to offer. His opinions are pointed, accurate insightful. Again he concentrates on quality rather than quantity. He is tortured wordsmith - A curmudgeon along the lines of H.L. Mencken.

I on the other hand I am an op-ed contributor. I operate in the genre of fluff, tripe and personal opinion. I don't have to be good; I must only have an opinion or a story and a forum. Like Maureen Dowd of The New York Times, I don't need to be accurate, insightful or even have something that is worthy of print. I just need to have a chip on my shoulder or a snide point to make and at least one other person to agree with my point of view. I'm not reporting in an effort to relay facts - God knows that facts often get in the way of a good story. I'm certainly not able to view a race through eyes other than my own, so there you go. When you are opinionated it's easy to write stuff down, especially when it doesn't need to be subject to fact checks.

I note that a new contributor to Truesport has appeared. It remains to be seen what the new writer will offer for the upcoming season. Certainly last season's newbies provided neither quality nor quantity in their work. At first glance he's at least able to use the spell check on his computer and string a coherent sentence together, which is at minimum, a good start.

The thought occurred to me that maybe my approach to off season training has been all wrong. Perhaps the likkerd up fixed gear roller sessions and high wattage suffer fests in the walk in cooler I call a garage on the Tacx-Flow aren't the way to go.

The e-mail coaching industry in cycling has become ubiquitous and palpably prosperous. I offer into evidence that we now have two (2) US Continental teams sponsored by coaching systems along with who knows how many Cat 3 (three) dreamer squads. As noted here and in the Chronicles of Rev. Billy, American cyclists like American golfers are willing to drop inordinate amounts of coin chasing the Nirvana of going faster for longer or hitting longer drives that land on short grass despite overwhelming evidence pointing to the fact that as with fine motor skills, the combination of aerobic capacity and power output from the saddle of a bike are like rhythm "either you got it or you don't"*. And, if you never get faster, cycling hopes are bolstered in that if you fail to graduate from the rank of Lickspittle you can always wait until you reach age 35+ to flail around in a crit hiding from the front like a D student in back row of a classroom trying desperately to remain inconspicuous so as to avoid the notice of the teacher. The fear of course is being called on during the oral pop quiz and revealing to all that you are basically below average. For as long as a person has been willing to drop a coin, a person has followed to pick that coin off the ground, pocket it and convince the dropper that there are benefits to dropping more. Those particularly adept at this deceptive art don't waste their time as e mail cycling coaches or driving range instructors, they go directly into politics.

Back to the point…I for one have changed my routine and I'll let you all in on the secret. After watching arguably the fittest man in the nation - Dee Brown, All American Guard for the 9th ranked Frightnin' Illini of the University of Illinois - do his thing every 3rd night for 33 of 40 minutes at a very high level, I've seen the light.

Look at this guy. He has single digit body fat, is ripped to the gills and able to operate in the land of anaerobia for 20 minutes at a shot. Plus he has tattoos, which is seemingly prerequisite in cycling. It's given that Dee likely would not be able to pilot a bicycle up the Col du Galibier even with the autobus, but given exposure, I'd be willing to venture that he could do 3 laps of the Major Taylor Velodrome in less than 1:12, which a fair number of practiced cyclists fail to do, including yours truly.

Here is another one, long forgotten but recently rediscovered at a concert in Chicago on November 29th.

This is Dave Gahan, lead singer of Depeche Mode. He's 40+. I saw this man with my own eyes dance, jump and sing for nearly 3 consecutive hours. It was like watching Denise Austin on X. Impressive stuff. He's clearly aerobically fit, and his history of substance abuse (which may be a benefit) aside, I believe that he'd be able to duck and dodge his way mid pack in a 40+ masters crit after a few tries. Look at him. His body fat is the envy of any cyclist seeking coaching help and with those tattoos, he's at least ready to be a Cat 3 (three) or at very least a mountain biker - sport category and if he smokes enough weed, maybe expert.

The above is pure rubbish of course. Bodies do what bodies are trained to do, but if one does not possess the genetics to be an All American point guard for a top 10 team or the lead singer of a world famous band, one will never be regardless of the amount of money one spends on e-mail coaching programs. For this reason riders are dropped from races when the pace gets fast and karaoke all stars and shower singers show themselves as fools on Star Search.

That said, I'm riding my in the garage less and playing more basketball this winter. If nothing else, the hemorrhoids are shrinking.

*Maikeru Koti

Team Delta Faucet has grown. We lost Der Hausfrau who moved in June to Georgia and is now riding for the prestigious Smith Barney/Cane Creek team but we picked up some more than adequate riders in his stead. Dave Stone, Chris Mosora, newbie Russ Reed and USCF 30-34 points race Champion, Kelly Sparks. Dave is no kin to Rev. Billy; a matter that one team member insisted upon before we made an offer to Dave. We stole Kelly and Chris from the Proctor team. It had to be done as Proctor was getting too good. In the 30-34 national points race last August at the Major Taylor Velodrome, Kelly absolutely destroyed the field, lapping the field solo then continuing to attack and take points. It was the coolest thing I'd seen in sports since Bo Jackson ran over Brian Bosworth on the goal line during a Monday Night Football game in 1988.

I've heard rumblings from the left coast that a super team funded with proceeds from the tri-fecta of White Trash Law - Personal Injury suits, Divorce and Bankruptcy fees - is being cobbled together. I find no fault in White Trash Law as I've been involved in the two former on that list. Everybody hates attorneys until they need one. Rumor has this team being built around multiple National Champions and former pros…Turbo, The Vampire and with guest appearances by former MTB national pro champion Steve Larsen and retired pro Kirk Willet. Toss in the usual set of strong men as guardians and the West Coast masters races just as well not be staged. Just take your pick and put Labor on the top three steps. Of course I've only heard rumors so this is little more than gossip column fodder, but if the rumors are true, it means that last year's Stuporweak sMACKs will be replaced as the most dominant team of masters riders ever assembled. *chuckle*

It just snowed another 6 inches in Central IL. If I were supposed to be riding a bike it would drive me to drink like last winter. I don't care. I don't think the rec center gym has any snow in it.

It's going to be a long winter.

Flail On,

Druber