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PHOTO
GALLERY Will
you tell the folks back home I nearly made it? Albert Hammond Murrieta Stage Race I'm staying in a Mecca of tourism called Perris, California. Perris is a very popular destination for Mexican tourists visiting Southern California wine country. I'm told it's also a popular place for adventurers who like to jump out of airplanes. Perris is 11 miles due North of Murrieta, CA location of this weekend's 3 stage race consisting of a 7 mile time trial prologue, a road race of 54 miles and because we're bike racing in America a one hour criterium. I'm not in good racing shape. I've spent too few hours on real roads and far too many indoors on a trainer. After viewing the pre registration list consisting of 2004 Elite Road Champion Vampinator, Turbo, a host of fast guys such as MKA, and other nameless men behind sunglasses and helmets who can put the hurt on any good dreamer field, Druber begged to race down and do the Pro 1,2 races to no avail as the promoter is Chris Lotts: an ex Marine, to whom rules mean something. It's all good. A fanny paddlin' is fanny paddlin' regardless of the age of those administering it. However; it's easier to justify athletic humiliation at the hands of some one the age of my son rather than my own age. I drove
down from Santa Barbara. My brother, Druber the Elder who lives
in this paradise was married on Monday in the rose garden at the
Santa Barbara Mission - Valentine's Day, exactly two years to the
day after he had the good fortune to be hit on by a woman out of
his league on the upside. He was alone that Valentine's night, 2
years ago attempting to drown his bitterness toward George W in
tequila at a joint called Roy. He is still bitter, just no longer
alone.
Roused by the 7:00 a.m. wake up call, Druber heard the unambiguous sound of rain pelting the window. Looking outside, his first inclination was to pack up the Audi and head back to Santa Barbara. It was raining all over Southern California. According to the weather chick the torrential rainfall might leave "up to a half inch of rain". What, can't these people deal with inclement weather? Just about then, the power in the hotel went out. A clear signal telling Druber it was time to leave for the venue. Driving from Perris to Murrieta, Druber saw the rain clouds dissipate and by the time he arrived at the race venue the skies were overcast and for the time being rain was no longer a threat. Murrieta, inland over the mountain pass from Orange County, has a very strange landscape. Millions of boulders are strewn across the hills. It seems to me the creators of the Flintstones used this part of California for inspiration in creating the town of Bedrock. The towns, I use the term loosely, have names like Homeland, Romoland, Sun City, and Winchester. They are nothing more than trailer parks and junkyards that became large enough to incorporate. It's ugly. One question would be answered today. How does 440 watts on a computrainer for 10k translate to the real world of wind and hills? Like this… Stage
one: Rolling 7 mile out and back ITT. Prologue distance. Yeah, that's about right. Druber can't go fast until at least May and these guys are thinner and better looking. After the TT, MKA was feeling gracious and invited Druber to drive over the mountains for spaghetti, wine, tunes and the hot tub. "MKA will be making dinner, Donovan- Labor fast man who when viewed from the side looks like this ( will be there and Vampire would love to have you for dinner." Druber said "You had me at wine". MKA
lives in what can be best described as livable quarters with interesting
lawn ornaments and nice landscaping. It's tucked into the hillside
between Dana Point and San Clemente. Druber wore garlic and packed
a cross and a stake. He was suspicious. Was MKA going to feed Druber's
liver to the Vampire with fava beans and Chianti, or was he really
being nice? Much to his relief, Druber found Vampy to be far more
interested in mixed nuts, peanut butter and jelly sammiches, two
heaping bowls of spaghetti, raw tollhouse cookie dough, gallons
of orange soda and confetti frosted chocolate birthday cake than
in Druber's neck and MKA proved to be a most excellent cook and
gracious host. Stage 2 6:00 a.m. wake up call. Heavy rain. Druber considers rolling back into bed and skipping the stage. Druber lives in mortal fear of pack racing in rain. Due to poor vision he wears prescription lenses which when spattered with rain and mud are of little use. Driving to the race in the rain, Druber saw a rainbow. It landed squarely on a ramshackle shed with a dilapidated mobile home just off the highway. Given the inflated condition of the CA real estate market this place would be fair trade for a pot of gold. Finding the venue 40 minutes before tee time, Druber got a 20-minute warm-up in the rain and decided the best course of action would be to go fast from the gun to cull the pack, and avoid mud in his teeth. Additionally, the prospect of following anyone through the mud sliding onto the road terrified him. The stuff is slippery and a hazard. This he did and found himself riding solo for 36 miles. Eventually the pace car driver pulled over to inform Druber that two riders were coming up. Turbo and Vampire. At this time Druber was in a 3-rider break 4 minutes up on the field with the Elite Road Champion and the best master time trialist in the country. Riding through rolling hills in the rain on the mud-covered roads of Temecula Wine Country with two of the best riders in the country is heady stuff for a Fatty Boombalatty like Druber. He took a few pulls after Turbo yelled at him. Druber was feeling a might peckish after the solo effort and begged Turbo to let him sit out a few. Turbo barked at Druber like a drill instructor at a new recruit. "We caught YOU. Now you MUST PULL!" "Do you NOT understand PROTOCOL?" "Didn't your mommy and daddy show you enough LOVE when you were growing up?" "What is your MAJOR MALFUNCTION?" "PULL!" His was clearly the voice of authority. The tactically astute thing to do would be to sit on and skip pulls, but Druber could not bring himself to be one of those dip shit peckerheads who never pull through in a break. He'd rather get shelled while making an effort than exhibit a complete lack of character and sit on the wheels of his break mates. Besides which, it's Boring to ride that way. Druber was at a decided disadvantage in the break anyway. Aside from being in over his head, Turbo had astutely tucked in behind Druber at the catch and Druber was in the paceline behind the Vampire. The visual is a Peterbilt drafting off of a Bic pen. Druber found himself on the rivet for the next 8 miles trying to no avail to find a quiet spot behind the Vampire. The inevitable happened when Turbo decided that uphill at 23 per wasn't fast enough to hold off the dormant pack, now over 4 minutes down with 8 miles to race. He took over an up hill pull from Druber and ramped it up to 25 per. Druber watched Turbo's legs churn. Faster, faster the muscles bulged, the gears shifted lower and the legs churned faster. Turbo was now doing a full on shoulder bobbing monster mash and Druber was powerless to do anything but watch the lurching form of Turbo rip away up the slope. Vampy looked at Druber with pity as one looks with pity on a man who's lost the will to live. Vampire knew Druber was useless, charred meat and flew up the hill after Turbo. Druber was again solo, his back was cramping and he was about to puke. Would Druber be able to hold off the pack? While Turbo and Vampy sailed up the road, Druber managed to slog in a couple of minutes ahead of the field for 3rd place. Vampire out hustled Turbo for the Vee. Druber was rewarded for his solo effort by also snatching the 5-point bonus prime for the half race lead. After stage two Turbo and Vampy are tied and Druber is one point back. Due to an accident at the end of the powder puff event that brought an ambulance onto the course 300 meters before the finish, the 40+ grupetto was neutralized and all were given the same points. The three riders off the front had gained significant ground in the omnium. Stage 3 1.5 mile loop. Half mile uphill dig at 4-5% on the front and then back down with two quarter mile straights between the corners. Clean. Druber did what he had to…sort of. Druber will not pretend the thought of pulling the huge upset to win the stage race didn't cross his mind. However, Druber is a realist. After the solo jaunt in the previous day's road race, Druber found himself to be a bit sluggish on this day. The day broke clear and sunny. It was ephemeral. Just before Tee Time the clouds began to roll in. Happily for the paramedics, the skies were bright and the course was dry for the cat 5,4 and 3 races. They'd have had a busy day were it raining all morning. I digress. Race starts fast, Druber is having trouble finding a rhythm. Perhaps an attack will open up the legs? Twelve minutes in he attacks after turn 3, through 4 to no avail and is countered by Turbo at the top of the half-mile uphill straight. Druber digs deep and nearly has the wheel of the Vampire who was glued tight to Turbo. MKA pulls around Druber and the gap closes down some 2 bike lengths more. Druber takes a turn, looks under his arm to see MKA on his wheel with the entire field 2 bikes back. Dr Laura, I have a dilemma. Druber has a secure 11.5 point lead over MKA for 3rd in the omnium. He can either chase Turbo and Vampy, and have the scenario of attack, chase, close, attack repeat itself until he pukes, or he can acquiesce to the inevitable and just make sure MKA doesn't finish 12 spots ahead of him, thereby locking up a podium spot. Evidenced by the fact that he cried at his brother's wedding on Monday, Druber is a pussy. He put the chase into the hands of the Morgan Stanley guys who said, "C'mon, YOU gotta close the gap!" No, in fact Druber didn't. He was racing for 3rd. We went fast, then slow then fast for the next 40 minutes. It started to rain hard with 5 laps to go. MKA - "I don't like this drizzle." Druber - "F'shizzle. Get to the frizzle and bring the sizzle". MKA moves to front. Druber rides 6 spots back. Everyone is riding sensibly until bell laps. Between turns 3 and 4, the adrenaline or testosterone or plain stupidity got the better of a Simple Green rider who blew past Druber out of turn 3 heading into turn 4. Said simpleton yells to a teammate. "Get on my wheel". Two Simple Green's jump on. They're flying into turn 4 at a shallow angle. Druber is not a physicist but he's played one on TV. Knowing the only thing at this point that could scuttle the podium chance would be getting into a pile up and not finishing the race, he relaxed on the pedals as the thought flashed through his head, "These guys are going to crash." In the split second following Druber looked at turn 4, saw MKA make it through clear on the point, counted 7 riders behind him, 3 of whom are going to slide out. Bingo. The lead Simpleton washed out due to speed and an altogether too steep angle into turn 4,which would have likely not held in dry conditions. The two riders silly enough to get on his lead out for 10th place fall over his bike, Druber avoids the carnage to pull in 10th to MKA's 4th on the day sewing up the podium spot. Final
results for 2005 Murrieta Stage Race Post Script: HST, may you experience savage times no more. No one could tell a story like you. Thanks.
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