The Racing Chronicles
w/Bill Stone

CONGRESS ANNOUNCES SPECIAL SESSION TO INTERCEDE IN TYLER
HAMILTON TRAVESTY: A Racing Chronicles Exclusive to TrueSport.

The Racing Chronicles learned today that Tom Delay has cut short his annual visit to the Indiana Casinos he champions to return to Washington and introduce legislation to force the Massachusetts Department of Public Welfare to take custody of Tyler Hamilton's blood. His office announced that the Hamilton Affair, as it is fast becoming known, has raised very troubling issues that require federal intervention. Emphasizing the seriousness of the matter Congressman Delay's spokesperson noted that the Speaker has been on a five year hot streak at Indian Casinos and has never had a losing day as he has used his gambling skills to fund his campaign against the forces allied against him. It was demurely noted that the Speaker was not a dead beat gambling junkie in the mold of the corpulent Billy Bennett who had the distinct stupidity to not have the gamed rigged.

According to insiders the Speaker started shaking and speaking in tongues when he learned Monday that Mr. Hamilton's right to make a living had been taken away by the actions of three un-elected and un-accountable arbitrators. In a soon to be released statement that was made available to the Racing Chronicles Mr. Delay says:

"It is a sad day in the history of sports when a few Europeans can use junk science to declare an American a cheater. It is for the United States to determine what color blood runs through the veins, heart, and lungs of American citizen athletes. As long as it isn't blue this Congressman is going to protect it and the right of Tyler to run it."

(The Congressman scuffed off the fact that veins with one exception run blue colored blood commenting that this was probably just more bad science.)

The release states that over the weekend Congress is expected to pass legislation requiring the arbitrators to keep considering the Hamilton case until they get it correct.

Meanwhile, Pennsylvania Senator Sanctimonious has different and he suggests much more troubling concerns. His spiritual advisor, Ralph Terry of Operation Rescue, released an exclusive to Talon News' Jeff Gannon. Gannon who returned early from escorting another male Senator to a witch burning will soon report on his website that the Senator's keen interest was perked by Tyler's defense. (Apparently he is referring to Mr. Hamilton's expert's suggestion that a trans twin intrauterine transfusion explains the foreign antigens.)

The Senator wants to know what happened to that intrauterine twin. According to the leak, that will or will not be denied depending upon overnight polling results, the Senator quite reasonably wants to know if there is some satanic plan at work whereby athletes with super oxygen carrying capabilities are being created by pregnant women killing off a twin after it has been sucked of blood.

Senate Leader and Presidential aspirant William Fritch was questioned about this while taking a break from demonizing Democrats and supplicating to James Dobson. He is reported to have said the following:

"My good friend from Pennsylvania has spent the best part of his career in the cause of preventing man on dog love. If he thinks this matter is serious enough to take him away from that valuable and noble work then the Senate will give him full support. And while I have the chance I want to dispel the notion that this party is not the party of science. I know we are going to take a lot of heat on this from so called medical doctors and researchers who are going to suggest that this blood antigen identification system is all the bomb; but let me tell you: I am a medical doctor and I have seen a lot of really interesting stuff and well you know just like I said about AIDS, it can't be transmitted by tears but don't tell that to the President-just put it in the newspaper where it is safe from his eyes."

Anyway, as the Chronicles understand, the situation approaching this weekend is that Tyler Hamilton is undertaking an unrelenting search for his missing twin. You can contribute to this fund at his website. He has denied the Senator's suggestion that his blood became compromised as a result of love with his deceased dog. (It is not known if the dog is being disinterred for autopsy by the mega babes on CSI Miami.) Mr. Hamilton's mother's picture will be posted on Ralph Terry's newest website where she will be identified as either having committed infanticide or a victim of Satan's womb mischief.

And we at the Chronicles fully expect to hear from Tom Delay something like this: "Well you know science, like facts, are what whatever we need them to be from time to time. Why, if we believed in science we'd still be driving around in gasoline powered cars. You know what I mean!"

Yes, contrary to previous thought it can get much too weird.

Billy Stone
Looking for a piece of frantic oblivion.

April 20, 2005