In the (Feed)Zone
w/Mark Swartzendruber

Can We Take Ourselves a Little Less Seriously? Please?

It has come to my attention that certain folk are taking offense to being mentioned in my writings. That's sad.

I have a forum in Truesport to spew, and to string together thoughts that are coherent. On occasion I write something humorous and have gotten mostly positive feedback. I don't get paid to do it and it's a good thing because most of the time I miss the mark when it comes to objective listed above. I write mostly because I have a deeply seated need for attention that my shrink and I are working on. Secondarily though, I write because we here in the Midwest are blessed to have an extraordinary racing scene and I think it should be highlighted, even if poorly in a national forum. Truesport has been gracious enough to provide this opportunity. Truesport has also suggested to me to refrain from the normal "race report" we get from rider diaries, as they are pretty mundane. I mean, what can you possibly say about pushing a pedal down that hasn't already been said? Hence with a forum and an excellent scene to report on, I do so. I mean no offense to any of my fellow riders. From the promoters to the sponsors to those who work so hard to put teams together, we have it pretty good. Thanks to you all

Last weekend I missed the Memorial Day Weekend races for the first time in six years due to my kid sisters wedding. I was struck by the fact that for four days, I had a fairly normal life. I didn't have to travel to Burlington Iowa on Friday with a knot in my stomach from fear of the Burlington - Wapello - Burlington Pro 1-3 road race that covers 82 miles in less than 3 hours and involves spectacular crashes. I didn't have to endure the usual mechanical frustrations at the Snake Alley Criterium. I missed the lumpy bed and paper-thin sheets at the Econo Lodge in Muscatine and the fantastic race venue at Weed Park. I didn't wake up Monday morning with spastic colon over the caged death match known as the Rock Island Criterium, which is contested in a fully enclosed chicken wire course. However, I was envious of those of you who did all of that. All I had to do over the weekend was seat people in an orderly fashion at a wedding and endure a spiritually zealous wedding ceremony in which my beautiful but too young to be married sister was married to a very nice, albeit far too young man. I missed the racing, but I survived and had a fantastic weekend doing normal things like grilling out, over imbibing and watching the Indy 500 for the first time in 6 years.

Indulge me at bit. sMACKS - I love you guys. I really do. You have the best kits in the Midwest. You're my roots. I started out as a sMACK and still have a few jerseys. The HeadsMACK for all or his quirkiness has been a mentor of sorts to me and is largely responsible for the enthusiasm I still have for training and racing. I respect all of his on the bike accomplishment (except that time in Peoria he sucker jumped me and wont the race after I pulled for 10 laps, but we settled that long ago). The HeadsMACK has given a place to ride to most of the newly formed LJS team star riders early careers as well as more than one of my teammates at Turin. Like him or not, the guy works tirelessly to present a classy team and a very large club. BrattsMACK, BradsMACK, MacedsMACK, FleckensMACK, HypertrophicsMACK, MooresMACK and McGsMACK: you are some of my favorite people to run into on race weekends. Truly. Don't be so sensitive. No ill will is intended. It's only because I like you that you get mentioned.

I am and will remain the most frequent butt of jokes in the Feedzone. The only way any one will be negatively lampooned in my writing is when you decide to take yourself too seriously. We're amateurs!!! WE DON"T DO THIS FOR MONEY!!! If you had the talent to draw a check doing this, you'd be winning races!!! There.

I refuse to back pedal and will not stop using made up team names and I won't write reports that actually describe the races accurately. This is a trick I borrowed from Billy and MKA, whom I liberally and un abashedly plagiarize and struggle to mimic. If you take offense, please take yourself less seriously.

With that said, I have been studying the diaries of some of our Euro Pros in various cycling magazines. Since they get paid to contribute, I figure they must have something good to say. I have learned their style in order to insult less people. The Feedzone will now look like this:

Hello from Illinois! I haven't been racing much but I've been training a lot. I rode a lot today.
I woke up late. I like coffee. Italy has good coffee. Spain too. Illinois coffee isn't that good but we have good sweet corn.

My girlfriend Kathy motor paced me today. She's cool. She decorated my house. Before I met her all I had was a mirror and a futon pad. And a coffee maker. I like coffee. Now I have a sofa and a real bed that's off the floor. I sleep a lot on both of them when I'm not riding or playing X box. I'm tired all the time.

I did a race two weeks ago. It was hard. I didn't place but my coach says I'm right on track. My coach and team are cool. I can't believe I'm here in Illinois riding on a team.

The people who work at the coffee shop know who I am. I thought it was because I'm famous, but my girlfriend Kathy thinks it's because I spend so much time there. I like coffee. Italy has good coffee. Good pasta too. They cook it al dente`. Espresso Royale has the best coffee in Champaign. I like the raspberry scones they make too. I usually stop there four or five times a day. They know who I am.

I'm going to do a stage race in Indiana this weekend. It'll be hard. Indiana has good sweet corn too, but the coffee isn't so good. I'll let you know how it goes.

Till next time,
Druber