The Racing Chronicles
w/ Bill Stone

SPECIAL TO TRUESPORT: THE RACING CHRONICLES: HONOR TAKES A HOLIDAY or HOW THE SMACKS CHOSE SHAME AND DISGRACED A WHITEFISH.

Dateline: July 25, 2004. Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin

The Government had to choose between war and shame.
They chose shame.
They will get war too.

Winston Churchill, 1938.
William Manchester, ALONE

BACKSTORY

It is the sad provenance of some so challenged by unresolved childhood despair to live in the perpetually anguished interstitial space of their psychic splits. Accordingly, the Self has, if not an affection, at least an otherwise uncharacteristic tolerance for those so afflicted. Thus, when a few years ago Boring Doering prevaricated his way to a win after yet again promising he would not sprint, the Self cautioned the victim against vehemence. The prison cell of narcissism only becomes smaller and thus a fool like Boring is best suffered with humor or at least a snicker. Otherwise the Self could only pity a person who is so bereft of self worth that for twenty-four years has shined in the falsehood that he was a member of an Olympic Team.

So it was that the Self told the Laborites to form their own opinions of the Boring One who greeted Labor with all manner of smiles and pretension. The Self did not even point out that Right Wing Republicans as Boring despise unions, working people, overtime and of course honesty. A more complete report on the fun that is Stoopid Week will follow but for today the story is about the culmination of nine days during which the Smacks showed they lacked even the classlessness of Boring who to Self's knowledge has never invoked the Glory of GOD as justification for cheating.

WHITEFISH: DAY NINE

Whitefish Bay is a lakeshore village just North of Milwaukee. It is the traditional final race. The course is four corners of sometimes broken pavement and a savage uphill turn around a traffic island onto chattering pavement. Attacks were made and breaks were formed and as it had been all week the Smacks refused to work in any break in which Chris Walker, MKA or any Laborite was present. With twenty laps remaining the Vampire was off with only a Smack named McKeen sucking along. Vampire dropped level with the Smack Sucker and a conversation ensued in which the Smack agreed that in exchange for Vampire not dropping him McKeen would not sprint. A deal was made but as it turns out Vampy did not realize he had negotiated with a Christian of the Blubbering Billy Bennett Family Values Ilk.

You have by now guessed the rest. For twenty laps the Christian sat on the Vampire and just as the finish line approached and Vampy was raising his arms the Christian threw garlic in Vampire's face, made a sign of the cross, drove a spike in the back-of course-of Vampy's heart and began ratting in the Tongues of the True Believers.

THE SHAME CONTINUES OR THE DEVIL
MADE ME DO IT

Now, it is hardly news that the Self while not exactly distrustful of the openly pious, does make it a habit to keep his hand on his money clip and to not let such men of God approach him from the rear. The Self does the same thing when walking among a crowd of gypsies in Florence. So, the next part of the story is really just the same old story.

Fundamental Christians like others who compartmentalize their fears believe what they have to in order to get by. Thus, it is no surprise that the thieving Smack and his team mates had explanations. The excuses were more of less as follows-these are not made up though perhaps improved upon:

First, the thief explained to Vampire that he felt bad but "my Family and Friends were present and I had to do what it took to honor them. Then a teammate unaffected by the admission of guilty explained that "McKeen would not lie, he is a good Christian, Vampire must be making it up." McKeen however had already confessed the crime in front of witnesses.

Our Good Thief then did not want to take the podium but of course accepted the victory for the good of the Team and his Family. At this point the Vampire who approaches microphones and podiums as if they were coffin nails sprinkled in Holy Water told the announcer he was a "bit disappointed that his break companion had decided to break his promise." Apparently, Vampire was not aware that the Commandment about stealing was just a minor one that was trumped by a tortured reading of the one about honoring God above all. A little lying and stealing pales against looking good for the kids. Besides, everyone knows a Vampire represents extant Evil and any tactic to defeat the devil is pretty much to be praised, especially if there is more money for first.

As you'd expect the podium scene was quite tranquil and in this calm oasis the Smacks offered even more insightful explanations for the theft. First, Kornholeo, who benefited from being pulled around by Vampire in Chicago offered that Vampire should have not even have been permitted to race because he had crossed the centerline at Holy Hell on Monday-apparently for Kornholeo the official punishment of the Vampire being relegated to last in favor of Smuck Moore was not sufficient sanction. (Note to Kornholeo: an official cannot suspend a racer-only USA Cycling has that authority.) Of course Kornholeo responded by noting that no one liked people from California anyway and that Labor should just stay in California with the rest of the Secular Humanists and perverts.

Finally, it took our favorite musician, Larry SmuckMoore to twang out the real justification for cheating. He pointed out that Vampire should not have even been permitted to race Stoopid Week because he was too good. The Vampire is 43 years old and an Amateur.

CODA

Chronicle followers know that the Self always had a nice if envious bent toward the Smacks. Last week Larry Moore asked Self not to attribute Boring's qualities to the rest of the team. He is correct. Everyone always knew that Boring's dishonestly and boasting was but the inevitable run out of someone desperate to be taken seriously; a rather large mosquito but still at best just irritating. It was always thought the other Smacks had more substance.

Larry asked the Self to write nice things about the Team. They are thin and look good in their clothes. Some have nice white teeth.

They had a chance to race with honor. They chose otherwise. Labor will be back. The Smucks already have disgrace; they will also get defeat.

A sad story.

Ride Fast and Take Chances

Billy Stone