THE RACING CHRONICLES: Labor Goes to the Lakefront, or Stupid Week Loves Labor Even if it Cheats

For the past months the Message Bored at Truesport has become a repository for sour plaintive not to race, viz., the races are too short or too long, the courses are too hard or too easy or unsafe or not technical; the prize money is too short or not distributed in accordance with egalitarian principles; the promoters are making too much money, the entry fees are not fair; the promoter is not doing enough to earn my money and should in any event being hitting on all his friends for donations so that I don't have to pay; there is no shower, or soft drinks, or buffet meals, or air conditioned changing facilities; and the race conflicts with a peak or a taper or estrogen depletion or a vitamin revival treatment.

But Stupid Week provides two weeks or racing at $22.50 a day. It has prize money, nice officials, forty mile criteriums, road races, flat races, climbing races, hundred kilo crits for Dreamers and primes and announcers and curb appeal and Downer Avenue and so of course all the Message Bored misogynists are here, right? Other than some from the Burn Center and ten days into the Stupor the Self has yet to sight a Nuovo Alternative Lifestyle Indy Super Team Member or Estrogen Lime Slime, or for that manner any of the Indy Zip Code racing teams. Likewise, there has been no presence from the Dayton Airborne Crashers, self proclaimed Elite Cat III Team and last seen drafting their team van after getting dropped at the Race Across Indiana-Self of course having a soft place in his pantheon for guys who'd rather cheat than be found wanting in their own legend. But perhaps most shocking but most predictable is the absence of the Texas Rodents, apparently as per preferring the safety of winning a hundredth straight 317 Code race; this despite the Self being told that this was the year the Rodents would undertake to travel two states over. Without them any Labor victories will be hollow indeed.

Physco Wike, KB and Elron arrived in time for a few thirty plus races and scored podium finishes until Friday when Physco playing off the guerilla tactics of KB and Elron took the top spot and Butch warmed up for the forty plus week by taking third.

Saturday is Waukesha and things started out questionable when Wike was pipped in the 30s. Seems Wike and El were a little puffed having attempted to bandit a couple of double Franklin primes in the Dreamer race at Brewer Hill. But, hey it was just prologue to the Show.

The Sha is a .8 six turn up and down with four turns including a decreasing radius 120 off camber beauty within like 300 yards. Things started out at a reasonable 30 MPH and ten miles later about forty starters were off explaining and the rest were wondering how the twelve men had gone off the front. Laborites present in the split were Butch, Stanky Mike and Hawkstar with Stichnine, Hobbit, and Self left in the dwindling field to heckle and irritate. Meanwhile, Stank and Hawk proved even more annoying what with refusing to "work together" but rather daring to attack the break and making the Spin City Mashers give chase. Butch of course won but not without controversy. One of the Mashers who seems to have a body by injection and whom is known affectionately by Labor as Jar Head determined that he had been defeated by someone turning to fast and proceeded to spray invective toward Chis Black. Now even the Self knows that it is of questionable manners to angrily approach a man who gets to carry a gun for living. However, Chris knows that valor does not necessarily compel confrontation with someone who has PCP foaming out his nose and showed his appreciation of Falstaff and walked away. The officials however gave Jar Head a strong admonition.

Shortly after the Self was advised it was no surprise that Butch had won because well he cheated. Inquiry revealed that Butch's two flats had permitted him to sit out two laps and that the run from the back of the course had given his legs too much rest and that besides he got the unfair advantage of getting to practice his sprint when put back into the passing break. But then a victory is always better when obtained by chicanery.

Sunday's race was in Benesville, west of Chicago. The course is again about .8 miles with six turns, four of which were again close together. In the 30 Plus Wike was in a split of like sixteen and L Ron was in the field relegated to winning the primes. With about ten to go Wike's Irish face was ashen, his eyes squinty, his cheeks swelled, his lips caked and face contorted. He was that is a lock and Self nodded to Hawk to "get the chalk."
With two to go he torqued the last corner, bridged to two attackers and immediately dropped one. His companion dared only to have his vision vanish as Wike passed like a father not letting his child win the back yard run off.

Druber, Tom Doughty and other fast guys proceeded to make the forty plus miserable what with being determined that Labor was not going to stack the break. So, it was that the Red Slash, Spin Mashers and others figured it was advantage Cheesers when Stanky Mike, all hundred thirty pounds of him was in the break of four with Van Sus and other certified grade AAA Closers. But, of course they forgot that Labor almost always cheats.

On the last lap when everyone was following the protocol of making certain everyone came into the finishing straight together for a fair sprint, Stanky refused to follow the rules and instead took the fast arc through turn five thereby causing not inconsiderable chaos. He won by ten lengths. But the real action came from the previously sufficiently admonished Mr. Jarhead. Seems that Stanky's cheating caused him to whiff the final turn. He careened off the course and into a young girl and without stopping to see if she was injured proceeded to sprint inside the barriers on the adjoining sidewalk causing spectators to scatter and mothers to clutch away their kids. And it was captured on camera that he made a point of getting the officials to notice his finish. Unfortunately, the rules require that a competitor finish on the designated course, but more unfortunately, his somewhat askance behavior drew the attention of the policeman he caused to flee the sidewalk. Even more to his chagrin was that the officer did not take well to the notion that this all fell under the accepted silliness that "hey man it's just bike racing." According to the chief official who for some reason sees the Self as comic relief Mr. Jar Head then resorted to the amnesia excuse which the Self did not point out was even more lame what with the guy having not hit his head, at least not that day.

He was however deeked and in the confusion the officials did not catch that Stanky had cheated. The officials advised that Mr. Jar Head had been given and even sterner talk, seemed real contrite and was in danger of getting a third strike. Even worse this incident was going to be put on his Permanent Record and he might not be permitted to go to recess next school year.

It is not known whether he asked about the child who had to be taken on a stretcher to the hospital. A class sport indeed.

All this and there are still six more races.

If your coaching program calls for it Ride Hard, otherwise, just watch the Tour.

Bill Stone