|
Webmaster’s Note: Bill has finally agreed to respond to the mass of mail that has been received regarding his abhorrent writings. However, he has enjoined me to point out that none of the letters have been corrected for grammar and that as always everything has been either made up or is completely true depending on your side of the Looking Glass.
Dear Linda:
I know I speak for a lot of racers who are sick and tired of Bill Stone. If you are going to continue to let him write his stream of unconscious then I think that you should make space available to those of us who want to give him some of his own. Thank you.
Name Withheld
Dear Bill:
What do you think?
Linda
Dear Linda:
Life is too short to drink cheap wine, eat at Outback, and wear Brooks Brother’s suits. Likewise there is insufficient time to respond to people who can only write in the first person present, can’t press a noun against a pronoun without using the wrong form, and use good as an adverb.
Dear Bill:
These people are persistent and they are threatening to spike my server.
Dear Linda:
Okay.
Dear Linda:
I have heard that Master Nationals is going to be held in Indianapolis. I am fifty and I am a Cat IV but want to move up to III if it means I can race in the Nationals. Do you know if Bill knows anything about this?
Roger from Indy Flyers
Dear Roger:
Glad you asked. The Chronicles have spared no expense in investigating this rumor. Before the facts a few prefatory notes.
The Chronicles could care less if USA CYCLING has its race in Indianapolis, Evansville, East Chicago or Angola. It doesn’t matter if they have the road course in a quarry or the criterium in Aurora in the parking lot of the Argosy Casino. If the race sites are not more than an hour from Columbus, not before noon, and on day when Regis and Kathy Lee is not live then the Chronicles might even go and line up. As you will conclude suspicion is correct.
Linda Finke approached Dan Daly about putting on Nationals. Told Dan that this was a definite non starter what with him not agreeing to deface his ABR flags. Of course this did not mean that the boys in Blue would not attempt to take over Crane. So, the next thing to cross the modem was a note that Crane was the place. Called the Commander. He had never heard of the USCF and wasn’t about to let a thousand old men use his roads least they interfere with his boys crashing helicopters. Then received an email from someone name Ed Fitchen that Linton was to be the scene of the crimes and then another from a Handjob who wanted to know if it was okay to date a teenager as long as he didn’t give her alcohol and by the way that Skippy was in charge of Nationals and that Linton was the place and that Tim Tyler was going to run the show. These were not as judges say credible informants. However, when Chuck Moll wrote the same it was time to check it with good friend Evan Call-head of competition for the Blue Shirts.
Wrote Mr. Call at ecall@usacycling.org. Mr. Call wrote the following: "the short answer is that Tim Tyler is not the promoter and that no courses have been determined." Wrote back and asked him who was the promoter and when would the courses be determined. He responded as follows: "read the article at usacycling.org." This article states that Masters Nationals are going to be in Indianapolis and that Linda Finke is the race facilitator. So wrote again and asked him if in fact the races were going to be in Indianapolis and if Linda was also the promoter. He didn’t respond. Then Shake calls up to talk about his new bike made of tinfoil and he drops that his new best friend Tim Tyler is coming through Columbus on his way to check out Linton and the courses. So give Shake the scoop that Call says he’s never heard of Tyler and that Chronicles have the email to prove it and well Shake says he will send Timmy a text message, a fax and a satellite warning and tell him the bad news.
Next get another email from my Handjob friend who now wants to know if he can take his teenage girlfriend to Morgan County where he understands its okay to marry your nieces and by the way there is an article about nationals on the Major Taylor website. Linda writes that Linton is the place and if the Blue Shirts don’t consent then there will be no Nationals in Indiana. She also writes in about four places that Tim Tyler is the Promoter and that he will be ably assisted by the Not So Speedywheelwobblers. Always wanting to be helpful passed this new information on to my new internet buddy Evan and suggest that perhaps his prior answers were somewhat coy. He promises to get back with me as soon as he talks to our association lawyers and finishes polishing Lisa’s boots and whip. After much consideration he writes back that he is not trying to be coy though he working on being coltish, but that the situation with Nationals is fluid and that he has a lot of more important things to worry about what with having to rig the Olympic qualifying procedure and booking rooms at the Paris Ritz to watch the conclusion of the Tour.
Now, it is counter-intuitive to conclude that USA Cycling’s apparent disinterest in Master Nationals is a good thing. Given the record the best thing that could happen is they stay away and let Mr. Tyler, who actually has to make money from races, run the event. Of course, those who like to be next to power because they have so little themselves pale at the thought that you could have Nationals without the presence of the Blue Shirt Competition Committee. Least you doubt consider last year’s events.
- At the Elite Nationals they did not have an agreement to shut down an area for the time trial and had to cancel and then postpone the TT such that people who couldn’t afford the time or money to stay in Cincinnati had to miss their event.
- At Junior Nationals they couldn’t organize their time or realize that they were going to run out of time such that the final race was effectively called for darkness.
- At Cyclocross Nationals they chose a course that was so short all but the very elite had to be pulled right away. To add insult USA Cycling does not even pay for the winners to go to worlds as this would cut into the Olympic Budget and that begs the question of why pro riders need money to go to the Olympics.
- Many who went to Collegiate Mountain Bike Nationals did not get to race because their events were cancelled.
However, cultural determinism was long ago dealt a blow by the realization that the location of sub-atomic particles can only be predicted and not known and thus it is gainsay that in this new year the Blue Shirts can keep a promise. Nevertheless, there are those who believe that Newton and Kant are relevant and there are certainly extant facts in justification. You have doubts?
After accepting Mr. Call’s email that no sites and no promoter had been selected Shake calls all excited that Tim Tyler is coming to Columbus on his way to meet with Head Feds and that Mr. Tyler wanted an autographed Chronicle T-shirt to give to Mr. Call. Asked in exchange that Mr. Call sit for an interview, and of course his attorneys would have permitted this only if they could ask the questions and give the answers. Nevertheless, Shake once again advised that Mr. Tyler was going to be running the show.
After all this it is now announced on the Major Taylor website that all the events are going to be held in Linton and that Mr. Tyler is the Promoter. For those of you out of the area here is what you can expect. Note that the race site is still listed at usacycling.org as being in Indianapolis.
Downtown Indianapolis is a nice place to visit and stay. If you plan to race you will not get to spend much time there. Indianapolis is in Central Indiana. Linton is a town of 6000 people in Southern Indiana. If you liked Ft. Smith you will end up wanting to move to Linton. From downtown Indianapolis you take Interstate 70 to Interstate 465 or you simply get on Kentucky Avenue. You end up on State Road 37 towards Bloomington.
On the way to Bloomington you pass through Morgan County. Do not speed especially if you are driving a fern car which is anything not a Dodge, Ford or Chevy Truck, preferably with a camper shell. Two years ago the Indiana State High School Basketball Commission finally told schools with black and Asian players that they did not have to go play games at Martinsville until the students, fans, coaches and players stopped issuing threats. Don’t know if they had to take down the sign advising ferners and other non-Klan types to leave before the sun set. This is also the area of Indiana that gives Congress the comic ravings of Rep Dan Burton who you recall performed target practice in his back yard on melons and thus proved conclusively that President Clinton murdered Vince Foster.
You next enter Monroe County which is where Bloomington and the University is located. If you don’t want to do anything but race you can stay there and save a couple of hours driving each day. You probably won’t get to see Bob Knight but if you drive badly you might get to meet the Prosecutor. He is presently under investigation for first following a woman who passed him on a double yellow and then pulling a gun on her.
You then turn off and to Greene County. You are now on two lane roads with an effective speed limit of twenty. On the way to Linton you will on an average day pass eight somewhat permanent floating yard sales and four auctions. The parked vehicles only permit one way traffic. Of course you will also encounter six flagmen who are protecting three work release prisoners holding up shovels. Try to enjoy yourself and admire the creative lawn art that is fashioned by allowing chickens to nest in decaying auto bodies.
Apparently there are going to be three or four different road courses and none of them will be closed. Mercer says the entire area is mostly rolling with no climbs. However, the Chronicles will visit. In fairness these could be excellent courses with little or no traffic, though there will no doubt be a lot of dogs. What with the courses being long those left with a mechanical or those waiting for the finish will be looking for entertainment. Just look up. The end of July is prime reefer season and what with it being the major cash crop in Southern Indiana you can always find a DEA or State Police Helicopter aloft. Parenthetically, the fashion in Indiana is for ex Klan now Militia members to cultivate reefer and then declare themselves immune from prosecution because they belong to a different nation or planet.
The crit course is described as being on or around a town square. Happened to mention this to Dennis who was in town with his friend Richard-who now gets his first Chronicle mention. Richard is a permanent student at Illinois. It seems that Indiana University once used the crit course for its college race. Richard reported that the course is actually an oval and even worse a narrow oval. Again, this will be verified and if not correct Dennis promises to knock Richard down. However, there is at least tangential evidence to support Richard’s description. The Speedway Wheelwobblers are announced to be helping Tim Tyler. Now this is a most venerable team of which yours truly is an erstwhile member; however, in recent years they have only raced on the track or at least they don’t race on corners. Likewise, the Skipster himself was, according to sources, on the secret course selection committee, and we all know that outside of Harry Clark and Skip Frasier not a single one in their now decimated ranks has ever experienced the apex of a turn and with the defection of Professor Murphy no doubt couldn’t find one even if provided protractors. Which is all by way of saying that a course without turns is exactly what you would expect.
To complete the tale and close the oval note that the Chronicles definitely believe that laws of space and time are different depending upon location and as such it is possible that this event can be successful being that Indiana is if not light years at least a few miles from Head Fed Quarters. Credence could be enhanced were Mr. Call and USA Cycling to simply tell people that if they do three events in five days they will spend at least four hours a day in their cars each day and more if they travel with a friend who races on different days. Of course this ignores the issue of why Indianapolis was awarded a national event without any commitment from the self promoted "amateur sports capital" that even one event could be held in the city area code. At the risk of castigation by those who are under the thrall of getting a private dinner with the men in Blue the Chronicle take is that a jersey is the Holy Grail to so many Peter Pans that indignities pale. The compelling prediction is that they will teach evolution in Kansas before you will read in the Glossy USA Cycling Magazine that Linton is not Indianapolis.
If you want this changed write to Ecall@usacycling.org. Please mention the Chronicles and tell him his request for an autographed Truesport hat been forwarded to Linda.
Dear Linda,
I may be somewhat biased because of my friendship with Bill Stone, but I do consider myself a hardened veteran of the sport of cycling. I've seen it all. I've cleaned up blood, broken bones--and worst of all--bruised egos. I'm referring to my own literal and metaphorical wounds as well as to those of others I've tended to. Very few people can say they've been raised on the hard knocks and brutal sacrifices cycling has to offer like I have. I've witnessed the many dichotomies of cycling: fit and not-quite-fit-enough; heroism and hedonism; sportsmanship vs. the warriors who fight only to win. I've seen grown men cry over losing a race they were sure they had won. I've seen adults throw bicycles through the air in protest to the outcome they had a hand in. I've seen petulance and shame. I've also been privy to the admissions by legendary athletes who, upon introspection, will admit they were their own worst enemy.
The point of my diatribe is this: cycling is one of the most demanding sports known to us now. With all this serious attention to training, competing, diet, fitness, VO2Max and team association, isn't commentary that provides relief necessary?
"The Chronicles" give us the comedic relief that every play requires. We should rejoice that, while we beat our brains in during the aria, there's a harlequin willing to make a smile out of a frown. The grimace of defeat is transformed into laughter when we take the time to sit back and enjoy the drama--and comedy--we all have a part in. Add to the equation that most of us "enjoy" cycling as a hobby while trying to make livings, raise children and make mortgage payments and you begin to understand that we are supposedly doing this for FUN.
To all the people who are upset with "The Chronicles": don't blame the author for the light that is shed on your own weaknesses and unrealized dreams. Appreciate the joy he brings to us! We need to know when to acquiesce, when to give a good-natured shrug and smile, and when to look in the mirror and admit there is more work to do to build our character in this lifetime.
If you truly can not read "The Chronicles" and appreciate the satiric writing before you, I advise you not to read "Gulliver's Travels", "Animal Farm" or most of Shakespeare's plays. Irony is probably lost on you. As is the beautiful and tragic range of human emotions that are available to us in a lifetime.
Warmest regards,Michelle Mercer (of unrealized genetic fame)
Dear Michelle:
I told Bvglari to send you the watch. You did want the white diamond bevel?
Dear Linda:
I have recently upgraded to Cat II. While I am most proud there are times when I just don't feel like a II and find myself wanting to be a III, IV or V. I mean there are some weeks when I actually work and can’t train six hours a day and well at those times I shouldn’t have to race against all those good guys. I asked my District Rep about this but he said he couldn’t give me different stickers depending on my mood any weekend unless of course I was going to race out of the District. I’ve heard that Bill Stone is a real sleazy lawyer and I was wondering if he could help.
Friend of Whitlock
Dear Friend of Whitlock:
Readers of the Chronicles know that this need for continual up and down grades is a real problem for some racers. First became aware of the problem a couple of years ago when a group of Masters who at all other times parade around in pro jerseys wanted to get around the rule that they could only race in the Carolina Cup if they were no longer master pros but just regular old guys with III licenses. Seems because a lot of them were out of district they got special double secret downgrades and were able to race with the real IIIs and they all felt good about themselves.
Fortunately for you the USCF has now given its imprimatur to this practice. You are referred to the Article by John Tarbert, Head Rule Man for the USCF that appears at page 59 of the February/March issue of the Official Glossy Magazine of United States Cycling. Not even the Chronicles could make this up.
Because of this new rule you can without even being clever race in almost any category you chose on any day and in fact you can with a little thought race in three different categories on any chosen day. For the terminally thoughtless it will be explained.
The Rule states that if you show up at a race in 2000 with an expired 1999 license in your hand you can race the category shown on your 1999 license. However, if you don’t have a 1999 license in hand you have to race as a V. Imagine the possibilities that have been opened.
(As you find out in the following letter, California has anticipated this and made it an unprofitable venture.)
[zzbottom2000.htm]Now, after a few weeks of this you might come across one of those registration people who used to remind the teacher that she forgot to give you an assignment to read Keats. If you can go right to the promoter who probably could care less unless you are trying to pay with a bad check. You may run across an official who will try to tell you that this rule only applies to those who have not acquired a 2000 license. Tell him that the rule was no doubt reviewed and approved by the same team of lawyers who wrote the rules to take away the franchise show them the article on Page 59 which is over Mr. Tarbert’s by-line.
Let’s us know how this works out.
Dear Linda:
I am a Cat III almost Master Racer with a real job and a nuclear family. Out here in Southern Cal we are way out in front in an effort to help put upon juniors and elite Cat I and II racers. Because Truesport is such a beacon I thought that you would want to know what we are doing so that you can try to influence people to follow our lead.
We recently passed a resolution to stop awarding prize money in Master Races. We will continue to award money to Cat I and II men and to women. We have taken this position for several reasons. Masters have a lot of money and don’t need to win prize money. Masters race for the competition and winning a nice trophy or ribbon is much more rewarding because they can take the ribbon home and show it to their wives and children who make it all possible by giving the racers their continued support.
We generally have three or four master races at each event and they each have fields of 50 to a hundred. However, our studies show that only a few guys actually win the money and most of them are Cat II guys who should be racing with the pros. So, taking money from them will not hurt most racers and may in fact make it possible for others to win because those guys who race for money will stay home and well that will only show that they weren’t in it for the right reasons anyway.
Also, we know that by having so many Master races we are hurting the juniors and the Elite men. The Master races take up unnecessary time and as a result the juniors have to race at inconvenient times-some have even missed milk and nap time-and the elites don’t get to race long enough to turn them into Euro Pros.
We don’t intend to actually take the Master money and give it to the elites and juniors. Our clubs are going to keep it and in this way they will help the kids and struggling little Lances.
In conclusion we believe that Master Cyclists owe everything to the youngsters and young men and that this is a small sacrifice to make for the good of the world.
I hope this helps to spread our crusade.
Fryed Brain (a non de plum from my younger days)
Dear Desiccated Brain Cells:
Had several classmates who burned through part of the logic centers of their brains during a 1974 Dead Concert. However, being lawyers they started with excess and thus didn’t obtain your impaired state.
We here at the Chronicles long ago accepted that regardless of where we had been before California was a different game. (Don’t write we know the actual lyric.) So, turned this question over to the Hack Pack, many of who, unlike self, actually win money at races and towards whom this rule is legislated. Consensus is that you are a worthy successor to the much missed Robert Dornan whom self watched with admiration as the Congressman railed like a plaintive and beached WJ Bryan to an empty House during Special Orders-live on C-Span.
Only fat golfers and children take solace from winning trophies. Went to visit Dad and Sainted Mother wanted to know what to do with an old box of golf trophies from College and beyond. It was too hot for a fire. So, if any master needs something to take home to show and brag to the kids drop a line and Mom will send you one. Unfortunately, Darling Wife advises she used the last of her Four H Fair ribbons to clean up cat hairballs.
Middle aged men don’t owe anything to someone else’s kids. Best as can be determined this mantra was started by Dan Qualye and has been picked up by every other C Average Rich Kid who is desperate to find justification for taking money away from those who really need it such as the old, injured and not born to the manor. Now this chalky bromide is being used to justify ruining the one area of cycling that not only supports itself but also spends the most money in the towns it visits.
Besides no amount of coddling is going to get juniors to race. Just go to a little league game. These kids cannot go to practice with a full support crew including a team sports psychologist. Now kids and parents in Florida have to sign an agreement that they won’t yell at the other team or the officials. A far simpler solution would be to simply ban parents and coaches and simply let kids umpire their own games and fight their own battles. In Italy a few years near Castlefranco came across a group of boys twelve to thirteen. They were actually riding bikes without their parents and absent an organization. They were being forced to ride steel bikes without ten speed Campy and without carbon wheels. During the ride they yelled at each other. Didn’t let them in on their plight.
As for helping Cat IIs let them go without hair fizz, a new chain tattoo and a fourth nose stud. This should get them a few entry fees.
Finally, the Chronicle position is that if you feel the need to help a racer then reach in your pocket and come up with a few thousand dollars. Until you have done this don’t be so presumptuous with other peoples entry fees. You are directed to that paragon of parsimony, Ronald Reagan, who told everyone that charity was the way to help the poor as long as it didn’t require him to give up any of his own.
Oh yes Linda and Darling Wife are all for giving money to the women and the Chronicles agree albeit for licentious reasons.
Speaking of Darling Wife, turned this letter over to her for comment regarding the need to help young Cat IIs. She reminded that she worked double shifts in the burn unit when in school to pay for her education, worked her first professional job for $7,000.00, drove a Volare for Christsakes, went back to graduate school with savings, didn’t own a new car until in her thirties, had to move every time the rent came due because of less than flush husband and spent most of her career taking care of adolescents and young adults who would love to be able to ride a bike. She wants to know to whom she should send a check for tanning lotion.
Ride Fast and Take Chances
Bill
Note from Linda: Bill has promised to respond to more letters as soon as his blood pressure drops.