Race Chronicles August 1999

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RACE CHRONICLES: Darrrow; Legends of Cycling and Stupidweek

August 2, 1999
by Bill Stone

As you know Clarence Darrow was at least the greatest lawyer of the first half of this Century. Yes, Louis Nizer was terrific and we will talk about him at a later date. What you may not know is that Darrow first came to prominence as a railroad lawyer. In his time the railroads pretty much had their way in this country and Darrow did his part to make sure that injured employees weren’t compensated, that injured passengers didn’t get any money and that the railroad owners didn’t have to pay living wages. This is by way of saying that he started out as Ronald Regan’s kind of lawyer. Fortunately, Darrow found his way and came to represent people. You will recall he represented union leaders who were always being charged with inciting riots after the police, upon the invitation and pay of corporate leaders, opened fire on strikers. Least you think this is exaggeration check accounts of the attempts to unionize steel in Chicago. After winning one of these conspiracy cases an angry corporate owned district attorney in California put Darrow himself on trial. Darrow won.

First came across Darrow as a senior in high school. Had been asked to leave the editorial staffs of the yearbook and school paper for reasons that you probably already have deduced. Then was asked to leave study hall for reading Youngblood Hawke rather than the House of the Seven Gables. This caused Dad some problems as he had suggested taking it to school and he had already underlined the good parts. Finally, had to leave English class for suggesting that the sexual predilections of Byron and Shelley were more interesting than their poems. The upshot was a permanent assignment to the library for the last semester. It only took so much time to write poem analyses for women classmates who thought crayons were useful writing implements. This was all fine fun and it no doubt could have had a career writing term papers for athletes; however, was not about to actually read The Red Badge of Courage or any of the other staples of higher education. The library didn’t have a lot to offer and had been banned from bringing books from home; however, it did have a collection of Broadway plays and discovered Inherit the Wind. For you engineers, this is a fictional account of the Tennessee evolution trial and Clarence Darrow is presented as Henry Drummond and yes, William Jennings Byran did make a fool of himself on the witness stand. H.L. Mencken is the reporter in the play under the name Hornback or something. After listening to Bryan pompously recite another litany Mencken stage whispers one of the great lines of American drama: "He doesn’t need any enemies because even his friends can’t stand him." Unfortunately, neither Darrow nor Mencken is around, as they no doubt would be having great fun with Representative Tom Delay, the flag bearer of the 700 Club. Mr. Delay believes that children murdering their classmates is a direct result of schools teaching evolution and proposes posting the Ten Commandments and teaching creation as the way to stop the killing. Apparently, he got this idea from Chuck Heston who thought so little of the tablets that he busted them up on the gold ass built in the desert at the suggestion of Edgar G. Robinson. Assuming you can find the things it might not be such a good idea to be carrying them around in public places. Didn’t these guys see what happened when Indiana Jones’ captors ignored his advise and opened the Lost Ark? It’s just better to leave these dusty ecclesiastical matters alone. So, why all this about Darrow and what does it have to do with cycling?

A few weeks ago received an email complaining about Puck behavior that was seditious to a classy sport like cycling. As you now know your Chronicler spent most of his youth being asked to leave class and according to Darling Wife long ago lost any that had inadvertently become attached. Therefore, was at somewhat of a loss as to how to evaluate the criticism. However, in that cycling is marked by men who think that an adjective is a vegetable, can’t follow an idea to its end, undress in public, sleep ten to a room, believe Dockers to be haute couture, actually choose to buy and drive vans, only use newspapers to dry out their shoes, and don’t know whether Hugh Laurie or Stephen Frey is Bernie Wooster, it seems highly unlikely that cycling will ever be confused with Audrey Hepburn. Now, Darrow knew a lot about class warfare but what with him being dead he couldn’t be of much help with this conundrum. So, turned to next best source. Team Labor Power operates out of Texas and California. First meet these humble fellows a few years ago at Murray and LeAnn Ross’s Legends of Cycling Soiree in Birmingham. Every April, Murray and LeAnn put on the premier master’s cycling event in the world. It, not the USA Cycling farce, is the true Master’s Cycling Championship. Unfortunately, a lot of the same dour faced masters also show up in Birmingham. You know the guys who always look like they just ate a spoiled anchovy. After the race a few years ago Shake insisted that we go to yet another noisy restaurant. He introduced his lawyer friend Worthington from Team Labor Power. Asked him where he practiced and honest to god he responded: "wherever there is a injured laborer needing help." Point out to him that like myself he will go anywhere there is the possibility to make money. While thinking of some rejoinder he slips on his own vomit and takes down himself and his brother. Naturally, these experts on class and cycling came to mind when faced with present dilemma. After much thinking they concluded that critic was suggesting that perhaps the Pucks should just shut up and race least city fathers pull future race permits. Seems the Labor boys have had similar experiences. Told Worthington that this was the difference between Sarthe and Freud and that he could push rocks all day but the Pucks would continue the search for deeper meaning.

The Legends of Cycling is such a big race that Shake takes off two weeks every year to train for it. This year he flew in from San Diego where he rode mountains in the snow. On race day he attacked the field and rode somewhere between 1 and 210 laps by himself before winning. He says that his life is now complete. Team Labor was in the break in the 35 race and one of their guys was 2nd to Euro Pro Jeff Rutter whom you will recall won the race at Eton Park in Cincy a few years ago. If you have never been to this race you should go; just make sure you bring your small ego because even Alabama can only contain so much hot air and the Legends buff up their ids for this event.

Legal Assistant Diana advised that two consecutive days in the office was not leaving her time to keep up with personal business and suggested that a few days off would be a good idea. Darling Wife agreed as long as it was out of town and she could stay home. So, it was off to Stupid Week with Whitlock. He is a worse driver than Shake and he doesn’t have video. However, he does have a new 300-M and it was time to put coffee stains in the carpet. Whitlock had been 2nd and 6th the weekend before but that was with his girlfriend present. Without her he is like a hyperactive child on meth. First he gets 8th at Sheboygan but gets protested for dangerous riding. This requires some explanation. Several years ago Stupid Week went to 30 plus masters and this means a field full of no longer have to race with the pros 29 year olds and every Cat III and IV would could never finish a Category Race. Then you have the teams. Team Wisconsin is composed of two guys who can get out of their own way and weight lifters on leave from their WWF Jobs.

The Smacks were there as was Pro Mongoose-not to be confused with the Louisville Mongoose Team whose members are apparently not ready for Pro Mongoose status. The races followed the same pattern. Real fast, faster and then too damm fast. There would be a break and then a winner. The winner would be happy and the rest sad and a bunch of guys who did nothing would complain that it was easy and they would have done well if it had been faster and if they hadn’t been helping someone and if they had had a clean uniform. They were as you have concluded typical bike races. Nevertheless, the Pucks found a way to distinguish. Whitlock was marked after his previous places. Team Wisconsin wears all red and ride red bikes and have red tattoos, and wear red eyeliner and nail polish and those little earrings that have long passed into nostalgia. They have a really good rider named Susteran and a good rider named Winter. The rest look like red lollipops or pieces of cherry cheesecake. After, Susteran gets away, as he always does, these flamers either go to the back and fall down or try to stay at the front and knock over others. So, at Sheybogan these muscle heads try to keep Whitlock from going for a prime. Unfortunately, Joe thrives on this stuff and he leaves tire marks on their fingernails. This leads to the protest and Joe showing an extreme lack of judgment asks yours truly to come to his defense. Decide to try out this class thing and so ask the official if there is anything that can be done to facilitate a mutually beneficial conclusion to this episode. He asks what happened and of course tell him that Joe was an innocent victim of Lollipop envy. He agrees and says to tell Joe not to worry, as he is tired of watching grown men in Peter Pan outfits with slits in the sleeves pretending they are in a real race. Anyway, Whitlock gets in the money everyday and would have won every day except he didn’t. As for your truly, races well the first two days with top twenty or so finishes and badly one day and really badly another. But, was only there for stories.

At Sheboygan tried really hard to be in the sprint. Came around the last corner and smelled burned elbow, arm and leg. Already the two guys were trading recriminations. Later went over to see Shake Tree about a massage and to catch up on events with CHIP’s Chris Black. While waiting for Chris to get off the table listen to two guys talking out some problem. Turns out they were in the crash. One of these guys has a full head of blonde hair, not much body fat and the Stupidweek ubiquitous earring. Both of them are really fast. They are discussing Stupid Week and how each is not racing with the other in mind and pretty soon am beginning to think this is a surrealistic edition of Oprah at Shade Tree World. Well it finally turns out that the blond guy failed to take a turn in a race about five years ago and that this has caused considerable consternation over the years for his companion. This is just too much and suggest that perhaps they just kiss and make up and go have a glass of Kendall Jackson Special or whatever sensitive racers are drinking these days. Unfortunately, blond guys shills vitamins for Winkie so Shade Tree presses hard on fifth dermatone and over following scream advises to let them work it out. Chris starts to laugh and blondie tells him that everyone knows that serious cyclists don’t joke about their work and certainly don’t drink alcohol, but can tell from looking that yours truly is clearly not a serious athlete. Chris suggests to him that Pucks aren’t even serious adults. Anyway, Shade Tree offers a weight reduction supplement program that includes motivational tapes from Winkie. Had to leave before the boys ended their therapy session so can’t tell you if they worked it out.

Found out from Labor Team that the blond guy is from Texas and know as Lester the Molester. Apparently, he has a law degree but is not a lawyer and now studies psychology. He is also very fast. He suffers from the terminal malady of seriousness. (Jimmy Breslin).

Next day Whitlock got us up at 10:00 for an 11:15 race. Made it to Kenosha with ten minutes to spare. Go to registration while Whitlock parks car and then can’t find car. Get in race just as it starts and get free lap to fix wheel. Find Whitlock and curse him for about ten laps and when he tries to ride away grab his jersey. Lollipops and Cheesecakes come to the back to protect Susteran who is in the break. They are so busy looking backwards they run into riders in front. Do thirty miles in an hour and then actually get in the sprint. Whitlock won money and didn’t hurt anyone. He wasn’t happy.

There were women’s races. Each day someone won.

While watching the races noted that the officials were not pulling riders. The head official explained that the racers had paid a lot of money to race and to be at Superweek and that if at all possible he wanted them to stay in the races. He did not think it made races safer to pull riders and that ease of scoring was no excuse for pulling racers. Also, the wheel pit official let riders continue in the race even when they didn’t have a mishap. He simply told them they were a lap down and couldn’t win. These guys are soon to be banned from officiating at any USA CYCLING event.

MORE ON NATIONALS:

The Chronicles received several letters about the Ft. Walmart (Labor Power) Masters Nationals. A lady wrote in to remind that the handicapped racers had to race the same course. She saw a double amputee having to walk up the steep climb. Yours truly saw a single amputee fighting his way up one of the climbs. Someone else wrote that Ft. Walmart had paid USA CYCLING $200,000 for the Nationals. This has not been confirmed.

Sent a copy of last Chronicle to John Tarbert. He has not responded.

The following information comes from a most reliable source and is not a joke. At Jr. Track Nationals John Tarbert was on the phone with the USA CYCLING lawyer. This may or may not be the same lawyer who advised that USCF Trustees could not fire John VanVelde. He had not read Colorado’s laws regarding not for profit corporations. Anyway, they were discussing how to respond to the problems that attended Senior Nationals and were writing draft letters that they threw away. A lawyer for one of the Jr. Coaches was present and he retrieved the drafts. Regardless, the theme of the matter was to take no responsibility because some of the juniors’ parents were understandably not happy. Now, everyone knows that what you do is simply say: "we screwed up." But no, these gentlemen used your money to pay some corporate lawyer to tell them to write a letter blaming everyone but Clinton. They didn’t even pretend to come to condemn Ceasar.

Arrived home from Superweek at same time Darling Wife returned from art fair in Detroit. She said that Superweek was for fast guys and had no business going except to take care of Whitlock who actually was good enough to race with the big boys and what was the idea of letting him pay the restaurant bill one night. However, she did agree that guys with earrings were passe and that big arms and chests were not attractive to women with class. It’s always nice to come home.

Ride fast and take chances.

Bill Stone