Race Chronicles July 1999

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RACE CHRONICLES: Oney; Huey; Shade Trees and Vitamin Wars

July 18, 1999
by Bill Stone

As you know Oney Madden was the world’s greatest gangster. What you may not know is that Thomas Dewey exiled him from New York. As a result Oney became the most famous resident of Hot Springs, Arkansas, the South’s Saratoga Springs. Whenever he would return to New York the police would escort him out of the City. The charge: vagrancy. Southern politicians were more flexible and Oney was a fixture at society parties for many years. It was only fitting that his exile was coincident with Huey Long’s rise to power in neighboring Louisiana. Indeed, payoffs and larceny were a staple of their lives. Gamblers and politicians continue to do business together as witnessed by Louisiana’s Edwards and his help in getting obtaining casino permits. His constituents found nothing wrong with him making a little money from his office and no doubt wouldn’t trust anyone who didn’t capitalize on such an opportunity. Such was also the way of Huey. You’ll recall that Huey ran for office on a pledge of no new taxes. During the election he had promised new roads to county commissioners who in turn would benefit from being paid off by the contractors. Louisiana was a cash poor state at the time and government jobs and contracts were the prime means of obtaining currency. Upon election Huey discovered that the State did not have sufficient money to keep his promises. Knowing who got him elected he wasn’t about to back up on his promises to his friends. So, he told his aides to propose a tax increase. Of course, the legislators would also benefit from the road graft and thus the tax increase passed. When advised by his sycophants that he had promised not to raise taxes Huey responded in words that are the staple of American political life: "Tell Them I Lied." Anyway, Oney lived to die a natural death. Huey was murdered. Louisiana had a lot of bridges not connected to roads and Arkansas is still a place where only exiles would choose to live. So, what does this have to do with cycling? Against all reason agreed to go to Master’s Nationals last week. The officials of USA CYCLING once again proved that they have the organizational skills of the Three Stooges.

Given the fiasco that was Elite Nationals it was axiomatic that the after thought Master’s Nats would be a complete disaster. But Moleman and Whitlock had never been to one of these tribulations so put trepidation aside and climbed into the dreaded van for the twelve hour drive. At this point the narrative requires three diversions. First, the official race flyer, which was set out in the most professional glossy USA CYLING publication for which the members pay, announced that the course for AARP racers would consist of rolling hills. The course for the younger old guys was described as having one long gradual climb and a steep climb of .07 miles. The time trial course was announced as being mostly flat. Second, under no circumstances would your Chronicler have been able to beat the really good old guys. The only hope was that on a rolling course humiliation and despair could be avoided. Third, USA CYCLING can have its road course up the side of a mountain that requires rappelling gear. (credit to Molewyk). All they have to do is accurately describe the course so that people can make intelligent decisions about whether they have any chance of having fun. This is what USA CYCLING did not do. Anyway, ride the young guy’s course with the Pucks and discover that this easy long climb is not so easy and the short steep climb is over a kilometer long and steep like Brown County Park. Of course this is of no concern because the really old guys get to ride the rolling course. Come across Chuck Moll who is somewhat distraught about the results of his time trial. It seems that the mostly flat time trial course was in fact mostly uphill. Now, Chuck has won the Nationals a few times and is also not a man given to exaggeration. It seems that Chuck could not even use his time trial bike on the course. So, at this point thoughts that perhaps the course was going to be something more than rolling began to occupy self’s already suspicious mind. Fears were confirmed that night at the official check in. It seems that USA CYCLING had taken it upon itself to change the old guy’s course to the young guy’s course and to add a lap. Tried to talk to Mrs. Sundquist, the promoter; however, she was unavailable. As you would expect the ever approachable USA CYCLING officials were ensconced in a private meeting room that was not open to the membership. So, here you have 1500 riders who actually pay these Marks Brothers’salaries and you are not even allowed to enter into their presence. Went out and re-read the official Mission Statement about delivering friendly service to the membership and went back in and asked for an audience. Some fat guy tears himself away from the private buffet table and comes out and asks how he can help. Ask him why they changed the course. He advises that some ephemeral elite masters had complained that the course was not selective enough for a national championship and that he agreed. Of course, he had never seen the course, as it was too hot to go out and ride it. Try again and ask him why it was changed without any announcement in the most professionally produced and written USA CYCLING publication that was sent to each member on an almost regular schedule. He said that the change was made two months ago but was not made in time to be put in the magazine that requires a six-month lead-time and besides the course change had been announced on the internet. As the internet had been checked before leaving knew this to be untrue and told him so. At this point he became angry because his honestly had been questioned. Told him it was his competency that was in question as his honesty was never in doubt. He said that regardless of whether the course was correctly described that the race was for elite masters and that it was not USA CYCLING’S intention to put on a race that catered to anyone else and he walked away stating that those who didn’t like the course didn’t have to race it and that they should have thought of this beforehand. A few minutes later this gentleman is seen talking to John Tarbert, the head of Technical Services or something. Whitlock hears the chubby guy asking Tarbert whether the change had been put on the website as people were complaining. Not being able to keep still went over and asked Tarbert about the change. First, he weaseled on the web site story and then blurted out that he had sent emails to affected riders. It later turned out that the only email he had sent was to the race promoter. Now, Tarbert would have been better off to have simply told his minions to follow the lead of Huey Long and simply tell members "That USA CYCLING had lied." After all this is all you expect from this outfit.

The USCF got their wish. The road course was indeed selective. Was dropped with all but ten or eleven other guys on the first climb and dropped out after one lap. This was pretty much the story of every race. A small group would drop everyone and then someone or two or three would escape that small group and the rest would either quit or finish in ones and twos some ten to twenty minutes down. The heat reached 105 and the humidity was like a Miami morning. In each case the best rider won.

For a fifty-dollar entry fee you would at least expect sanitary conditions at the start finish area. The staging area was a large field infested with black flies. No shade. About 8 toilets for 1500 racers. They were not even cleaned and you had to bring your own toilet paper.

A final note. Spoke about the course with Tracy Lea who is the head volunteer for USCF which is not USA CYCLING and which position apparently has no power. Tracy runs Team Fugi. She advised that USA CYCLING refused to listen to any of USCF’s Volunteers regarding the site and the course or anything else.

Final petty note. In the Official Race Flyer there was a detailed drawing of how to put on your four race numbers. It was wrong. So, you showed up at the start line and were told that you had to change and well the race couldn’t wait and had you checked at the race hotel you would have known that the drawing was wrong and that it had also been on the internet and on your email and you should have known anyway if you had ever been to a big time race.

In the Official Race Packet there was an announcement of an Official Racers Party to be held Friday night at a Country Club. Against advice ever-optimistic Molewyk and Whitlock insist on attending. It was announced that for ten dollars you would get dinner. This consisted of cold vegetables with ranch dressing and chicken wings delightfully presented on a buffet table. Everyone thought these were just starters. When asked about getting some food the manager said that this was more than could be expected for ten dollars. Honestly, you could not even get a drink of water unless you wanted to pay for it. Left before the county western reggae band got its washboard guitar set up. Went to dinner at Ft. Smith’s best restaurant. Dennis could have liked it as the best wine came in a box and had been pressed just the week before in neighboring Oklahoma.

Next day it was the crit. Whitlock was in the top ten when it started raining and quit. The course was .35 kilometers uphill on a four lane road of marginal paving and then .35 slightly downhill through eight turns. The downhill was on two lane narrow roads and the pavement was passable to terrible. You could not ride the apexes of most of the turns because of paving drop-offs. In fact if you hit the apex of several turns you would fall into a hole. Anyway, half the field is dropped on the first couple of laps and pretty soon there are just twenty-three left and yours truly has made the split. No doubt had this continued this Chronicle would have a completely different nuance, as USA CYCLING transgressions would have been excused. Fortunately, things soon changed. Whitlock says to just sit in and relax and am doing just than when the Official Head Official and Official Pit Official put a lapped rider back into the split. There is an attack and this gentleman in now trying to go through the downhill corners with his knees pressed against his top tube, his feet parallel to the ground and his hands in his Scott bars. Come out of the last corner about thirty meters off the back and into a twenty-mile headwind and race is over. Go over and ask the officials about why they put back in a lapped rider and they say he had a flat and they took his word that he was in the split. Now, you had ten officials and they couldn’t keep track of twenty riders. It seems that they were busy eating free barbecue at the time and had they watched the race they would have run the risk of dripping sauce on their Official Blue Shirts. Was asked to leave Arkansas and did so as quickly as possible.

For the record Bill Bedwell rode well and was headed for a top ten finish when there was crash in the last corner of his race. Also, Chuck Moll was third in his race.

Before being asked to leave had the opportunity to speak with several old guys and Master Women. One lady had driven from Maryland. Before coming she had called the local organizing unit and explained that she would not come if the courses were hilly. She was told that the courses were flat and the time trial specifically could be easily negotiated in the big ring. She did not think that 39 by 23 was a big ring ride. In short people had taken vacations and traveled thousands of miles to Ft. Smith based upon false representations. If the people in charge of USA CYCLING had to live up to their Mission Statement in order to be paid they would all be working at Wal-Mart, which I’m certain Mrs. Sundquist could arrange. In fact they should be forced to live and work in Ft. Smith.

First meet Gene years ago at Super Week. At that time he was pulling a very small trailer behind his pick-up truck. He would go to a race site, put up his awning and provide massage services at ten dollars for fifteen minutes. He called his business Shade Tree Massage and forever after has been known to the Chonicles as Shade Tree. He won over darling wife when he stopped off at this year’s Columbus race and rubbed her up for an hour. Well over the years Shade Tree has acquired a bus which he has outfitted for living and that now has a tie dyed paint job. He travels the race circuit and is now back at Superweek.

Anyway Shade Tree was at Master’s Nationals and his trailer was the only decent place to hang out after dropping out of the road race. Several years ago Shade Tree began to hawk the vitamins promoted by the world’s greatest Master Racer, Glen Winkle. Every time yours truly has a bad race, and as you know that’s most of the time, Shade Tree explains that the results would change if only an investment of a few thousand dollars would be made in Winkle’s magic potions. Can’t bring self to make this investment for several reasons. First, Winkle is a mutant. Second, darling wife does drug research. The only way to prove that a drug really works is by studying changes and by subjecting a drug to double blind studies. Of course, none of the companies that promote their special vitamin concoctions will submit their elixirs to such studies. Instead they print anecdotal stories in magazines that they sponsor, e.g. Prevention Magazine, Muscle and Fitness etc. Now, there is some evidence that taking vitamins will help your overall health but there are no studies supporting the performance enhancing claims of the various sport vitamin companies. Third, common sense tells you the stuff doesn’t work. Do you really think that professionals would be injecting EPO and HGH if they could increase their performance to the same extent simply by eating Winkle vitamims? A more suspicious person might note that whenever some old guy who previously couldn’t get out of his own way is suddenly riding away from the field and claiming it’s the result of his new diet and supplement program that he also is perhaps sticking needles in his rear end and that the needles aren’t just dispensing bovine urine. However, you will never read such calumny here in the Chronicles.

Anyway, was listening to Shade Tree explain how some Doctor had recently purchased his vitamins and was now re-defining the limits of speed when Glen shows up and tells some fellow that his one a day vitamins were destroying his liver and that he might as well just sign up right now for a liver transplant or in the alternative give him a few hundred dollars for some liver revival tablets. Unfortunately, had to go out to the feed hill and clean up the mess from the melting riders and besides he would no doubt have gotten around to explaining how the Chronicle’s favorite meal of crow and invective was destroying the heart of cycling.

Now, it was bad enough that Glen and Shade Tree were boring everyone within earshot, but Shaklee was also present with a booth and free drinks no less. So, the vitamin, protein and carbo replacement drink war was joined. Unfortunately for Glen, the World’s Greatest Shake Bostick showed up in Arkansas. Apparently, USA CYCLING permitted him to downgrade to amateur status so that he could pick up a few more gold medals. He did, winning all three events. Glen won his Crit with some other Shake Second. So, based on results you have to conclude that Shaklee Products are the best. The Pucks prefer Frozen Custard.

Reports from Bedwell and Skinner are that Bostick clearly hooked his break-away companion in the final sprint. Even the announcer called it. Unfortunately, the officials all had their hands over their eyes or were busy eating jelly filled doughnuts or filling out travel expense vouchers or filling out suspension forms for the Pucks and simply couldn’t call the result.

No doubt the Shaklee’s tally in the Vitamim War would have been greater had Head Shake Grant been present. All Shake could talk about before the July 4 weekend was that he was going to get to race with the Pro-Shakes and sometimes a pro sometimes not a pro Greatest Shake Bostick at Dayton. So, Shake is riding real well until one of the Dayton Pro Cat III’s but today a II Dayton Flyer tries to take a left hand turn from the left gutter. Grant breaks his collarbone and a bunch of bike parts. However, the not really a Team Issue but painted like one Marin bike was not broken. The Flyer was sorry and has promised to attend the turning skills school to be conducted in Cincinnati. Grant is going sailing with Jimmy Buffet for a couple of weeks and when he gets back is going to get a III license so he can compete in the Fall’s Cat III only Masters’ races.

Shade Tree is moving to Australia for a few years at the end of the season. He has his Winkle Vitamins on sale as well as the Grateful Dead Bus.

A final note. The elevator in the Official Host Hotel is one that had a glass side that provides a view of the lobby. Upon leaving Whitlock pointed out that the lobby was decorated in confederate flags for a 1969 class reunion. One of the alumni asked why this was of concern and it was pointed out that symbols of bigotry and hatred were perhaps not appropriate. She advised that the confederate flag was simply a symbol of better times. Presumably she was referring to those great Arkansas days of her youth when the governor supported segregation and restaurant and hotel owners were still fighting to exclude blacks. I don’t know what black racers thought of the matter; one of my roommates from law school told me he just tried to stay out such places. USA CYCLING, if its collective conscience ever considers such things, should take his approach. Regardless, we left before the Cross Burning so can’t report on the Klan meeting.

Rumor is that USA CYCLING is going to give the Masters Nationals to Ft. Smith again and they are going to be renamed the Wal- Mart Geriatric Nationals. A special invitation is being extended to the Idaho White Ayran Racing Team which will ride in hoods. The official race party is going to be held at the McDonald’s in the Ft. Smith Super Wal-Mart. The full details will be set forth in the next edition of the USA Glossy Magazine that will be mailed sometime before next July but not necessarily before the race. It will also contain the new USA CYCLING MISSION STATEMENT: A LIE IS AS GOOD AS THE TRUTH AND SOMETIMES A LOT BETTER.

Police escort got us the border and drove all night. Next day explained everything to Darling Wife who summed it all up as follows: " So you made a fool of yourself, got beaten by a bunch of better riders and now you have to blame others for you shortcomings." Went down to the basement and cleaned the litter box. It’s always just so nice to come home.

Ride fast and take chances.

Bill Stone