Race Chronicles May 1999

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Race Chronicles:
Duomo; Sobriety Racing; Parking Lot Excoriations; and Quiz Answer

by Bill Stone
May 9, 1999

As you know construction on the Duomo in Florence began in the 11th century and finished around 1450. It has been renovate and now gives off an almost sky blue tint in the night. We are sitting al fresco at a café outside the Savoy Hotel and Dennis is pontificating about the extent of a culture that could create such an edifice centuries before Columbus even considered looking for India. His Chianti induced solemnity is then disturbed by the trenchant complaints of the foursome at an adjoining table. Apparently, they are apoplectic because their hotel does not have an ice machine and the café does not have any cheese crackers and dip. This completely puts Dennis off his theme as he must now try to reconcile a culture that once had the capacity to erect a Duomo but is now entering a new century without the foresight to make frozen water available on every corner. Such anomalies are of great concern to Dennis and not even a bottle of Ruffina Riserva is able that night to restore his equilibrium. Many of you are no doubt planning to trip to Verona this October to watch the Ciclista di Mondo. Least similar contradictions ruin your voyage a few explanations. Verona is in the Veneto area of Italy. It is north of Venice and south of the dolomites. The Italian Training Camps advertised in Velonews are in the Veneto in an area near Castlefranco. Tim Parks lives in the Veneto and has written two books about the area and his life with his Italian wife and in laws. Italian Neighbors is about contradictions that create no problems for Italians. For example, it is generally accepted that Italians are a very religious lot that hangs on every work of the Pope. So, explain why most Italian families have only one child. The reality is that Catholicism is a default religion in Italy much as most Americans profess to be christian. Similarly, Parks can’t understand why his neighbors get subsidies for education and he doesn’t until he learns that Italians submit one set of figures for income tax purposes and another for school subsidy purposes. The Veneto is an industrialized region and great many workers migrated from Southern Italy. These workers are referred to pejoratively as terroni. It is similar to workers who migrated to Detroit to work in the factories and make executives wealthy but who are forever spoken about derisively by the denizens, or alternately blamed for taking away good jobs. You can understand that an absence of ice in the world’s six largest economy is not a significant contradiction in Italy. Most importantly, Italian women are the prettiest in the world and Dennis forgot all about ice and art when four of these ladies sat down and spoke to him and best of all art was no longer mentioned.

Would like to share more about the trip but there are at lot more serious matters that need to undertaken.

The USCF has advertised in Velonews that it offers a superior product to race organizers and members. It also presents this position in its new magazine; the one that contains two-month-old racing news and articles by experts who do not know that "preventative" is not a word. Regardless, one of its selling points is that the USCF provides a set of standards for race courses and that a promoter knows he will be getting qualified officials. This, as opposed to those renegade subversive organizations that would permit races to take place on sidewalks occupied by baby stollers and skate boarders on crack and whose officials are all felons on work release. With a confidence that could only be engendered by the knowledge that the USCF was on the job the Pucks traveled to Cincinnati for the Pro Copy Insurance and Sobriety Checkpoint Criterium. Began to have some reservations after seeing the course. About 500 meters of the course were on the two lane perimeter road with the qualification that the racers could only use one lane in each direction because of the 180 turn. The rest of the course was in the parking lot and consisted of about eight turns in about 200 meters around traffic cones. Went to the start finish line to have a dispassionate discussion with the USCF trained and approved official. Expressed concern that the course perhaps did not meet USCF mandated standard. Was advised that the USCF had flown in its crack sanctioning team just the week before and had given the course Mike Plant’s imprimatur. So, asked how the team had missed the fact that the course did not seem to meet the mandate of 3D1, which states that the minimum width throughout a criterium course should be 7 meters. The official explained that 7 meters was merely suggestive and that any intelligent lawyer would know that the word "should" meant that the USCF had the authority to sanction any course it chose and that riders could simply go home if they didn’t like it. At this point one of the lady racers interjected that the course was in fact seven meters wide and that all three of the women racers had negotiated the turns without the slightest problem and that the Pucks should be disqualified anyway because they had been in the parking lot using the port o john while the women were racing and thus had been illegally on the course. Knowing from years of somewhat successful marriage that the only response to this was "yes dear" this major infraction of the rules was quickly admitted. Didn’t even try to explain to her that one lane of a road is less than 10 feet and that two lanes is less than 20 feet and that twenty feet is less than seven meters which is about 24 feet and that the turns around the cones were less than a lane and well you can do the math. Regardless, the official cleared up the entire matter. The course had been examined by Mike Plant and John VanVelde as they were passing over in the USCF Lear Jet with Lisa Voight while they were on their way to Europe to watch the classics and woe some corporate executives onto the now opened up USA Cycling Board of Directors. Mike and John had suggested that the course be used to conduct a study on what effects short course racing has on rider equilibrium. The deal was that whenever a rider was out of contention he would be pulled and required to pass a sobriety test administered by the Ohio State Police. Now, having consumed sixty ounces of coffee on the trip followed by liberal inhalations of asthma medication it was apparent that this test could not be passed and what with having no bail money a decision was made to pull out after a half a lap. Well, the race broke up and the pro masters won. The rest of the field was taken off to the police station until they could turn around ten times in a row and repeat "USCF Forever" fifteen times without slurring. In the 3-4 Race Whitlock renewed his battle with the Dayton Flyers and was fourth with the excuse that he had been up all night at Little Five Hundred the day before. Then Molewyk was pulled after about 2 laps of the 123 Race because he was out of contention; and that brings us to the final point of this fine day.

After being pulled Molewyk asked why in an advertised training race he couldn’t continue racing. He was told that the course was unsafe. So, between the women’s’ race and the end of the day the course had gone from USCF approved to unsafe. The Cat II racers were either less safe than the women or they went so fast that the racecourse became less safe. Only USCF trained officials can make such on the spot determinations and now you know why the USCF is so proud of its sanctioning functions.

To complete the perfect day left helmet at the race and it is in custody of the official.

May 1 and 2 marked the opening of the Indiana Race Series at Eagle Creek and Mooresville. It was also time to take stock of the season to date. Did no spring training races. Didn’t start at Purdue. Was dropped at Marion and completed one half lap at Cincinnati. Wife suggested that perhaps a reasonable goal for the season would be to complete a race. Really could grow to dislike that woman. For the first time this decade the race at Eagle Creek was held under sunny albeit windy conditions. The Marsupials won the Masters Race and the 1-2 Race. Finished both races and in a delirious state gave Skippy a bottle of sugar during the 2 race. By the way the unofficial Chronicle tally shows that the Hand Guys again were defeated in their quest to be the Marsupials. Wonder what wife would suggest to them about reasonable goals.

Mooresville was more of the same with the exception that a Child Protector lost a close sprint in the 1-2 race. Arrived in time to see Pucks Molewyk and Skinner get 7 and 9 in the 35+ Race. For those who have raced more than a few years it was good to see Bumblebee Bedwell continue his comeback. He was in the 35+ break on Saturday and won the field sprint on Sunday. Finished the 1-2 Race and informed wife that she needed to apologize; she suggested that goal should be redefined and suggested trying to be like a Bumblebee.

Whitlock decided to go to Blue Ash because he was leading the pro cat III crit training series. Pro Cat III is a new USCF category. It consists of former national champions and pros that now work for a living. Also, included are Cat IIIs that are in good favor with their Regional Rep and despite having won a hundred races are never upgraded. The pro IIIs race with the IIIs and the IVs. The IV’s show up all anxious to race and then are immediately dropped by the pro IIIs and then are pulled by the always safety conscious USCF officials. For their twenty-dollar entry fee they get to race about three minutes and get to be humiliated in front of their friends and family. Should one of them complain the official and his entourage tell him to train harder. Does anyone wonder why these men give up racing for golf? Back to the race. Whitlock takes a prime, misses the break and gets mad at the Dayton Flyers for not chasing and spends the rest of the race terrorizing the non pro IIIs because he can turn about ten miles an hour faster. Because his skill level is higher he gets a complaint filed by the not quite pro IIIs. This post race parking lot rage is a recurring theme that merits some Chronicle examination.

About the best part of racing is sitting around afterwards telling everyone how great he or she and you raced. It is similar to drunks sitting around telling lies. Well, these reveries are now being ruined by the overly unctuous, serious, and angry. Southeasway opened last Tuesday. Jordan of course attacked on the first lap and a break of seven soon formed. Dennis noticed that Brooks was in the break and immediately rode him off the back. So the Surgeons had no one in the break which now consisted of a Puck, three Bees, a Child Protector and Shake. The field rode around at about twelve which was fine, as this would now be four races completed for the season. Now, had promised self to behave during the race and did so even when offered gratuitous advice about positioning by the Handguy president. Dennis and Dean lap the field and Child Protector wins. Getting ready to ride around when Skippy appears and wants an explanation about why his teammates had been yelled at during the race. Suggest he talk to Molewyk as writer’s vow of silence precluded guilt. Well, not to be denied the discussion changes to Skippy having had to change position in the courses' one turn because of Pucks turning too fast underneath him. At this point Pucks go for a ride. Anyway talked to Dan and in the interest of safety all turns at Southesastway are forever forward to be ridden in single file and no one can move up a hundred yards before, during or after a turn. Also, all Pucks are now required to attend monastic training twice a week. Parenthetically, the turning underneath and too fast critique did not apply to Jane.

Unfortunately, this monastic training did not come soon enough to save Molewyk at Shakamack. In the 35 Plus Race Molewyk takes third behind Bedwell and Costley Crusader Larry Fitz. Qualify this year to race AARP Category with Moll and after he attacked we had to do a twenty mile two man time trial. Great fun getting older. Unfortunately, missed the real action of the 40+ race. Ride into the parking lot and Molewyk is talking to a guy in an old car with no shirt. He tells the guy his name and shakes his hand and tells him that he needs to ride a little less erratically. Thought for a moment that Molewyk had taken over Skippy’s hall monitor job what with him not being there; fortunately, this was not the case. It seems that this gentleman had ridden into the rear of Molewyk’s bike and had lost about a dozen spokes. As he’s explaining this Hand Job Sergeant Preston comes over and congratulates Terry on taking the guy out before he hurt someone and with that a group develops as it usually does around the Chronicle motor home and with that the spokeless guy arrives back on the scene and wants to know why everyone is talking about him. Molewyk advises that Branner is organizing a prayer meeting and the rest of the guys are just there to get autographed copies of the Chronicles and that everyone thought he was a great addition to the race. The guy says that he is a Marine and has never lost a bike race before today and that he wants to take Molewyk into the woods and Molewyk says he would like to go but that his allergies prevent him from doing nature hikes. Branner having served on Navy ships with Marines suggests that jokes aren’t perhaps the best approach and Sergeant Preston offers that he came over to criticize Molewyk for his dangerous riding and that Molewyk should buy the guy a new wheel. The guy says that he will take out everyone there at the next race and especially the guy who destroyed his wheel. He finally leaves to get his assault rifle and the Park clears real fast. Oh yes Bedwell won Handguy Murphy second and Molewyk third. Also, Murphy criticized his teammates when he and two others were in a break with Branner and his teammates sat up. Some things never change.

As you have noted this vow of silence idea is not working out. First, there is the turning lecture at the training race and now a marine assault.

Archie McNally Fitz reports from Florida that he is now seventh in the Cat I II point standings in Florida. He won his first Cat I II race last month and it appears he will qualify for Elite Nationals.

Dennis was top twenty in the NCAA Regionals in the road race and top ten in the Crit. The road race was 16 laps of Babler Park in St. Louis where they had Masters Nationals several years ago.

Several people sent in answers to the Quiz question about why people fall down in the wind. By the way insipid Letterman Top Ten lists like "from looking at the tight rear end of woman rider" are demeaning and sexist and will not be printed in the Chronicles. So, don’t send this stuff. Darling wife censors the email and she agrees with Skippy that web sites should be free of such offensive material. Other answers were that people run over logs that were not removed from the road at the Hall Road Race a few years ago and then there was the intelligent suggestion that people fall down because their bikes lose adhesion as a result of not properly allowing for the force of the wind. I think that guy also believes a trailer won’t blow over in a hurricane if you open the windows. The reason people fall down in the wind is because they don’t ride close enough to the rider on their windward side and because they refuse to move forward. Explain you ask. The Hall road race a few years ago is in fact a good example. There was a thirty-mile an hour wind from the northwest. The Masters field was going north. One of the bees took the position on the West Side of the road and others lined up to his side and behind. Typically, but incorrectly as it turned out they had front wheels near the rear axles of the bikes to their left. Those who could not get protection from the wind lined up in the right gutter rather than starting a new echelon. The rider to the right of the Bee refused to move forward and to his left thus shearing the Bee and taking a turn in the wind. The Bee, of course, slowed down to entice the next rider to pull through and off but the second rider simply slowed down. The now disgusted lead Bee instead of simply going back and over made a move forward and to his right across the wheel of the second rider. At the same time some idiot was taking a drink and had his hand off the bars and his head up in the sky. The second rider, free now of the protection of the Bee, was blown into the rider next to him and his rear hub hit the third rider’s front wheel and then they fell into the idiot taking a drink and a bunch of riders fell down. Later in the parking lot there were great recriminations, threats of violence and ubiquitous cries of "its wasn’t my fault," and no one had a clue why they were going to have to buy new equipment. Now, if you are one of those content to say, "it’s just bike racing," then stop reading now and go take the safety guards off your mechanical equipment or better yet sell it. If you prefer to minimize the danger of falling down consider practicing how to ride in wind. Assume the same west wind. This time instead of riding with your front wheel next to the rear hub of the rider to your left, position your bike so that your handlebars are near his right hip. Now, if he moves over suddenly his hip will hit your bars and you can put your shoulder into him and help him and you stay up. Likewise, you will not be forced into the wheel of the idiot on your right who still insists on riding on your rear hub. Even if you are forced to the right you probably won’t fall down but the idiot will.

Linda has received like two letters in the last year complaining about the Chronicles. The suggestion is that the writer should be subjected to criticism and be forced to respond. Now, two letters does not indicate a groundswell of dissatisfaction. More likely it suggests that people simply don’t care or most likely would like to criticize but don’t know how to press a verb against a noun without using the wrong person. Regardless, next week the Chronicles will have a special complaint edition. Now, as with all these diatribes the writer will make up the letters and the answers. However, if you want to participate then send your letters to bstone@hsonline.net . Don’t send anything to Linda, as she has nothing to do with anything contained in the Chronicles. However, if you want to submit an article for publication then by all means send it to her. Of course, you will risk the despair of rejection or worse ridicule.

Also, next week we’ll report on Shakes’ performance at the Legends of Cycling and have the final installment of our series on training the Maffetone way.

Well, spent Mother’s day with Dad and he has offered to help Molewyk take on the Marine as soon as his new cane arrives. Meanwhile darling wife wants to know why someone who now qualifies for early evening discounts at Denny’s wants to buy a new bike. It’s always nice to come home.

Ride fast and take chances.

Bill Stone