RACE CHRONICLES: Unction; Moral Marauders; and Retribution
August 7, 1998

by Bill Stone

First traveled to Indiana in the Fifties to visit Aunt and Uncle. This was also first exposure to Oral Roberts. Thought it was a country comedy show as it was packaged between Porter Waggoner and Tennessee Ernie Ford. Years later read and watched Elmer Gantry. Still could not figure out how these characters were able to separate working people from their money. With increasing fascination and respect read and watched the travails of Bishop Sheen, Crystal Palace Schiller, Jim and Tammy, Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh. Sorry, can’t include Falwell; fear and hate may generate money but don’t pique curiosity. Then realized that Burt Lancaster as Gantry played the same character in the Rainmaker. With clarity came to see that grifters give their trust and assurances that all will be well here and later and all you have to give is money. It’s the same con that Redford pulls in the opening scene of The Sting. Early in pitiful career represented a small town businessman who was separated from his money in exchange for a ground floor interest in a Laser Therapy Hospital. Visited Mr. Johnson in jail and realized that what he sold was a chance to be a hero. This is not original thought. You are referred to A.J. Liebling, "The Honest Rainmaker." There, Colonel Stingo tells us that he learned early on in a life on the grift that "religion was the strongest thing man ever invented except for Standard Oil." This was before Microsoft.

All this was no more significant than a Wodehouse character daydreaming in front of the Ritz until followers of these charlatans began to take themselves seriously. Even this was tolerable as long as the nonsense was limited to men in WWCD teeshirts hanging out in football stadiums listening to Bill McCarthy tell them how women wanted to be treated albeit without women being present. However, not even H.L. Menchen’s fictional alter ego Hornback could find it in himself to crack wise about the state of affairs that has resulted from the intrusion of modern day Hillsdale citizens into bike racing. Example.

Rob Roll moved to Belgium and races criteriums to eat. He wasn’t a child of the USCF Training Center. Parenthetically, note that USCF is now taking credit for Julich’s Tour which begs question of where these scoundrels were when he was broke and without a sponsor after Mike Neel’s team fell apart. Roll became good enough to race in the Giro and the Tour and finished the epic Gavia stage in l998. He lived in Como, spoke to the locals, and wrote it all down. All was well until he ran afoul of the unctuous family values coalition. First, they discovered that he used language that was not approved by Dan Qualye and Marilyn. As if becoming the male Murphy Brown wasn’t bad enough he then committed the unpardonable sin of making fun of a bunch of local neverweres at an early season stage race in Oregon in 1997. Seems these overly sensitive beaverbrains took offense at being chastised in print for not racing. Unfortunately, one of these timberheads has a typewriter and still sends letters to Velonews calling Roll a crude has been who was at best only a mediocre domestique and who satiates his id by making fun of others. Then Velonews prints a batch of letters from people claiming that a lot of Juniors would race if they could only read Velonews at their school libraries but that the schools won’t stock Velo because it contains offensive language. Then one of these moral marauders writes in the last issue that Velo should censor this Roll guy and by the way he doesn’t encourage people to go to bike races because of Roll or Roll type characters. It’s now clear. The lack of junior racing and attendance at local races is the fault of Velonews for printing articles by a hedonist.

Finally in defiance of contriteness Roll dared to write an article in Italian. This singular un-American act drew the wrath of the one language for all crowd who don’t want citizens speaking Spanish much less thinking in European. Just as pool halls lead to heroin writing in a foreign tongue will lead to godless global government. Se si voglia conosgere genti allora si deva studiare e capire la lingua. These crew cuts are the same people who go to Europe and complain about the coffee, small cars, and lack of Burger Kings and think if they just speak loudly in English that everyone will understand.

Now, you’d expect Velonews to tell these stiff collars to cancel their damm subscriptions. But, no, the editors write that they are reconsidering their editorial policy. Bet Peter Zenger is glad he went to jail for these jelly fish.

The point is that Oral Roberts only wanted your money. These modern believers want your minds and your freedom to read and think. Can’t they just stick to little league, soccer, swimming, and all those other sports that kids can’t play without parents present. They don’t have to screw up bike racing.

Team Hockey Puch grew out juniors who wanted a team of their own team. So, know a little about young men. If you want kids to read Velonews put in more pictures of Pezzo and don’t fret about the Columbus Tubing Bra advertisements. In fact suggest using the Italian Bici-Sport edition of the Cippolini’s Northwave ad with the naked woman. They don’t have any problem in Italy getting kids to read bike magazines.

 

As always these diatribes also contain what passes for racing news.

Puck Whitlock continued his comeback season by completing Stupid Week. Seems at one point he was a challenge to Head Smack Doering. (A fellow from Lexington asked that the Chronicles contain a glossary to identify the riders and teams. No chance. These names and teams are all made up and the stories bear no similarity to the truth. Even if they were true it would be a sort of Lewinsky truth which is a truth today gone with truth tomorrow type of truth. But, one concession will be made. Little Smacks are whomever Head Smack is bossing around that day. He can however be a particular person depending upon the race, and in that case he is the Smack who basks in Head Smack’s reflected glory as in "I didn’t want to attack and bring anyone up to Smack and Shake." Okay Shake is a real person but he is only Head Shake in Master’s Races. In pro races he in an unknown Shake as in "He’s not on team Shaklee Shake and we don’t even know who he is or why he claims to be a Shake.") No more digressions! So, Boring Doering aka Head Smack dispatches Little Shakes all week to contain the threat who really isn’t a threat as Joe sat out two races. Joe goes on the attack at Whitefish Bay and is brought back more by his own lack of ability but also as the behest of the Little Smacks. Now, if you know Whitefish Bay you also know it has cracks in the pavement. Joe is busy making nice with Little Smacks by telling them they are little girls who can’t go out and play without Gary’s permission. Then while telling them how good he used to be and still would be except for working 80 hours a week he tangles with a Little Smack who bounced off a crack in the road and then they fall down and Joe breaks a wheel and a shifter and his pride. Of course all the Little Smacks kick him as they past and tell him its too bad he’s not as good as his Morris Girl girlfriend who was third overall. Expect things will go badly for these guys in the future.

Dennis sent in a long e-mail about his experiences at Springfield Cat III race. It was about the fastest race in history and in fact officials believe entire field was using drugs which is possible given that European teams have been drop shifting this stuff faster than denials. Dennis takes the first prime for a pair of Oakleys. Then there is a break of Smacks. (These are neither Big Smacks or Little Smacks-let’s just call them Enamored with Gary Smacks.) There is a prime and Dennis follows a Proctor up to the Enamored with Gary Smacks and upon arrival it is announced that "everyone ride steady" and let one of the Enamored Smacks take the prime. Dennis says to self "stupid Smacks" (actually he used another term but even reporting that he thought such a thought much less saying it or writing it here or even acknowledging that a racer might have such a thought could run this article afoul of the moral thought police and would not be appropriate for a family spot like Truesport) and he attacks for the prime which turns out to be a 250 Tire. Then the break falls apart as he chastised for riding unfairly and that Head Smack will get even with Dennis after the race. Dennis says that dad will fight for him as soon as he gets out of Rehap and after he finally disposes of Branner’s dad who by the way almost beat Head Smack in the Master’s race except he forgot to get in the break.

Don’t know how many people fell down on last lap.

Dan Daly put on a race at Crane and all categories started out together. Molewyk reports that guys just ran off the road or into each other until the field was manageable. In the end a Cat IV won with Masters Chad, Jordan, Davis, etc. taking the next places. Before the race Molewyk notices his tire has a big cut but figures it will last. Always a good idea to race a course with descents and IVs and Masters with a bad tire. Reminds me of Mercer taking off all his skin and telling later that he thought he could get one more race out his tire. Of course Molewyk flatted. Now, its no loss to be like Mercer except Mercer isn’t responsible for designing high performance diesel engines. Can’t you just hear these guys. Well, I don’t think a blown framastate will make any difference and if it blows it will only result in crashing into a bunch of vans-the truck will survive.

Grant, Enmark and author went to Tell City. Very good course with a city block climb and six turns. Wide streets, fast turns, and nice people. Marsupial Captain Novere was there and helped sponsor the race. At start of Cat IV race a Junior on Lemond Bike steps on the pedal and wheel falls apart. Alice has a moment of grace and actually lets the guy get a wheel and get back in the race. After race talk to him and find out the wheel was fine until in a previous race he had been run into the curb. Turns out the Juniors want to race with the Masters. When Grant attacks the young man almost hits the cone that marks the only bad spot on the course. Grant and Louisville guy are gone. Then about twenty minutes later on a right hand turn someone puts their brake lever in this Puck’s butt followed by a grinding of wheel on curb, a shout, a blown tire and crash. Now, the Junior has two broken wheels. Thought about telling him afterward that you can’t pass on the outside of a turn then decide to save time. He’ll figure it out or quit. Later get in second break with Grant, Two Louisville Guys and me. Gain 40 seconds in one lap which is to say this Puck was in major distress. Grant toys with the two Louisville guys and then drops them both. Grant first, Louisville second and third and Puck 4^th and damm happy.

Enmark lasted half of Cat II race which wasn’t bad but wasn’t good. Grant quit citing desire to be with Bonnie and this boy rode one lap. Marsupial Carlson attacked the break on the last lap and won.

After race was talking to Lexington Master and Louisville guys. Lexington guy liked Chronicles so thought it was a good idea to ask why the Masters Races in Lexington over Labor Day were limited to Cat III and IV. Answer was that his team was tired of being beaten up by Bumblebees etc. Tried to explain that they already had a Cat III race on the schedule in which they wouldn’t have to face such fierce competition. Apparently, that race is also too fast. So, its okay to permit Cat II Masters to race in the open race only but not okay to make IIIs do the same. Expect real reason is that Promoter wants to again win his own race. Finishing first in a manufactured race may make someone feel good but it should not be confused with winning or even competing.

Finally went to Southeastway Tuesday. Got in break with two Bumblebees and a Hand Guy with sleeveless skinsuit. The problem with bridging to a break is that you then have to stay there. Was utterly worthless after ten minutes and after thirty asked these former friends to slow down for a few seconds and tried to get these words back even before they got out. "If you’re going to make fun of us you’d better learn to ride faster." Exit from break and appropriate retribution.

Returned home to find wife in bed and notes to take care of the water in the basement and to play with the cats. They didn’t care about getting dropped either, but they do understand that a cat door is freedom and it is either open or shut.

Ride fast and don’t drink in the middle of the pack.

Billy