RACE CHRONICLES: Archie McNally, ADA and Bare Fisted Crits
by Bill Stone

Let’s get this out of the way. Thank you to everyone who assisted at the July 4, Columbus Criterium. Special thanks to Skip Higgins who worked the entire day and didn’t even ask for good press. Likewise to Bill Bedwell who protected the Citizens and IVs from death on the bumpers of shoppers in Vans with "I Visited Ruby Falls" bumper stickers who were hell bent on being first in line at the Stuckey’s Pecan Roll sale. Also, to the ever pleasant young lady from the Women’s Hospital Team and her husband. It was not easy to stare down cowboy clad drivers in pick ups protected by Smith and Wesson. Now, if anyone was left out it was someone else’s fault.

Let’s get on with the news. No, not Edward Murrow and Fred Friendly CBS heyday news, or CNN news, or god-forbid CBN news, but rather what the staff around here dreams up, or makes up but certainly does look up or check up. Which is by saying this isn’t Time Magazine or even George Magazine and certainly not Steven Brill’s Magazine. However, a semblance to Oberman’s Big Show would be nice but not obtainable. JUMANGI.

When Hockey moved into the Sunshine State the Pucks got together enough for a one way Greyhound ticket and sent Fitz to Palm Beach. He spends his time there helping down on their heels-as in down to their last billion- Palm Beachers recover from heart attacks sustained as a result of opening Charge Statements from Gucci. Also, he routinely reports how he wins or should have won practically every race in the State. More importantly, Fitz is a member of the Pelican Club and swears he has meet and had gimlets with Archie McNally. Now if you don’t know Archie McNally then you probably don’t know that Lawrence Sanders is dead which is not only a sin but also demonstrates that you are culturally illiterate. So, after you have finished with reading the Chronicles go to the bookstore and ask to be introduced to the man in teal slacks with a puce scarf and Testoni sandals. He will be next to P.G. Wodehouse. For engineers ask your wife where the bookstore is located and don’t be disappointed that there are no pictures or graphs or spreadsheets or databases. So, what does this have to do with Bike Racing-NOTHING-but you can’t spend your life worrying about how much glue is showing on your rim unless you’re the bonehead Cat IV who crashed in the last turn on Sunday and had no glue on either rim. When asked about this by the Chief Official he advised that he had been gluing on tires during his 7 years as a Cat IV and had never had any problems, and this pretty well satisfied Carl who nonetheless suggested that he read the Bicycling Magazine article on why Clinchers are safer for career IVs.

Oh yeah, Fitz was second in the Cat III on Saturday and sixth on Sunday. This was after a week spent building a fence to keep Enmark’s Pit Bull Shimano from eating the neighbor’s poodle.

Spent Friday night listening to Whitlock explain how he wasn’t going to waste his energy doing anything stupid at the beginning of the III race on Sunday. Well the race started and there were Joe and Ben Weaver off the front when Ben’s wife admonished him "don’t go too hard" which pretty much ended the race for Joe. Ben it must be added took third. Can’t really fault Whitlock. He was overcharged on doughnuts from Burger King-yes they now have old-fashioned Burger King Doughnuts - and he wanted to show his neo-citizen younger brother how things were done. Which leads to another story. The younger Mr. Whitlock participated in the Citizen’s race and liked it so much he came back for Sunday’s race which was held on less pedestrian filled streets approximately 400 meters north of the Mall. You could see the course from the Interstate. Anyway received a call from Young Whitlock’s mom (who is also Joe’s mom) and advised that Chris was at the Mall with a group of Citizens and IVs who couldn’t find the race. Now, don’t expect much from guys with tri bars and rims with no glue. However, young Whitlock had until recently been flying military helicopters in Europe, but then things look differently from the sky he explained. Beginning to understand how the fighter plane ran into the Italian gondola.

Older Whitlock redeemed himself by finishing the Cat II Race against a group of pros who stopped off on way to Tour of Ohio. Effort left him rather feeble. He lathered himself with icy hot and passed out on author’s floor in front of porno channel. Izzie slept on his chest and wife covered them with cashmere blanket imploring "isn’t that cute" and " why can’t you be more like Joe." Now, can’t understand why its important to be like someone else, but as you’ll learn this question had been coming up in different forms all day.

Watched Bumble Bees sting the surgical guys in the 50+ race. (Promise that this obvious and unfunny pun will never be used again but wanted to illustrate what this corner would devolve to if author tried to be someone else.) Anyway Moll was first after almost lapping the field by himself. Then Lobdell swerved in for second. Miraculously, Joe Tiepen kept his bike upright for the entire race and finished third on his new Klein. The Highly Skilled Guys Higgins and Fishel followed.

As always the 40+ race was the fastest, hardest, most hotly contested race of the entire weekend. Grant gave the entire Holiday Staff the day off on the condition they watch him race and scream his name loudly. So, his victory was well attended. Bullet Jim Branner took the barbecue and t-shirt primes as Grant threatened to knock anyone who dared to contest these prizes off his bike. After race Jimbo said "well Grant, I saw you behind me but I guess you just couldn’t get around" and this pretty well insures that Bullet Man will never win another prime when Grant’s in a race. Then there is the Mercer story which is actually a two part story. Was on far left going into penultimate corner with intent being to only get passed by Freddie, Ron Garrett, Mercer, Grant and Bedwell when Grant goes by on far right and goes around like a Lear Jet passing a helicopter. So after Mercer takes second he advises he would have won if author had been someone faster who could have stayed with Grant and thus not taken him off

Grant’s wheel which begs question of what Mercer was doing on left when Grant was on the right. Anyway, next day was determined not to make same mistake. David Gibson showed up and was beside himself that Grant had left for Washington D.C. So, he spent next hour venting his frustration. Figured it was impossible to take Mercer off a wheel if in front so lead into final turn only to be passed by six much faster guys with Freddie taking the win. Then he advises that if author had been someone else and stayed at the back to advise how the sprint was developing he’d have won.

So, you’re wondering how did this whole identity conundrum get started. Well, after the fifty plus race Highly Skilled Guy Fishel is in the parking lot running around in his underwear and working on his tan. He say’s "come here I’m going to straighten you out about this writing stuff" or something to that effect. Now, don’t think he wants to extend thanks for putting on race or offer to help, and can’t possibly outrun the guy and as you’ll see that becomes part of the identity problem. Next thing is poke in the chest and demand that future articles be submitted to truth detector Reed Irvine prior to publication. If you don’t know Reed Irvine then search under " boring pedantic right wing media critics." Try to explain that someone else would have to do that type of writing and that not even his scientific know how could make self be someone else. But thank him for the suggestion and that it was a good thought which had been made many times by others whom were equally respected. The guy then extends an invitation to settle the matter man out behind the box factory plant. Now, threats from a guy in funny shorts with no weapons would normally evoke paroxysms of giggles, but an inflated ego in full froth is not something at which one should scoff. Besides not every writer is Norman Mailer and this stuff is not existential and is barely even writing much less stuff to get nose broken over. Hobble off to official’s tent to hide behind Nestor only to find that he’s lost so much weight he’s useless as a shield. Suggest to the guy that he write his own stuff, title it "Musings from Team Hands But No Heart" and put it on their web site. His tempered rejoinder is that the Race Chronicles are actuated by an attempt to ameliorate latent feelings of inferiority and resultant personality defects secondary to a birth defect. In the interests of accuracy what he really said was " you write this **** because you’re trying to get even for being born a gimp." Knew that the heat was interfering with the science teacher’s dendrites so took liberty to interpret the meaning. Anyway, Mary grabbed him by the pony tail and ushered him off.

Nevertheless, his appraisal and the suggestions of Mercer and Wife to be someone else caused author to call retired psychiatrist friend Hanus. He knows something about people with latent personality defects as this old Czech first escaped from Hitler and then from Stalin. Posit to Hanus that perhaps Fishel and others on to something and perhaps responsibility for misplaced metaphors and incomplete similes could be the responsibility of parents who didn’t understand the need for counseling especially after author learned the fate of Spartan babies with less than perfect limbs. Unfortunately, Hanus wouldn’t play along. He advised that Fishel was more than likely not referring to incomplete run on sentences or dropped infinitives but rather that he didn’t like being exposed which stuck me as odd in that the guy is always running around in funny undershorts with no

shirt. Besides Hanus said that feelings of inferiority were most likely the result of being inferior which is not very nice of him to say especially when he still charges $150 an hour. To complete the analysis he advised that reason people suggest becoming someone else is because present self is a real pain in ass to be around.

Then when leaving he said "stand up straighter and for God’s sake try to walk without a limp; you want everyone to make fun of you." Told him he needed to go to sensitivity school.

Back to the racing.

Pros arrived for race. Declan Doyle was off front for most of race and then got caught by split and then took second and left for Ireland. Robbie Ventura thanked organizers for putting on race. Don’t know if any other pro did.

Wife was present for Sunday’s Cat II race so had to stay in race. It was probably the fastest race ever. There were attacks and then a group of five stayed away and someone won. But the real story of the race was that it was a prototype of a new form of racing designed by Nestor and ABR to appeal to the wrestling crowd. The Debut of Crits and Bare Fists was a tremendous success. On the last lap and about a mile from the finish Marsupial Curtis Toulson and Athens (did they put kids out to die on the Athens plains?) Bandaids Damien Keckheisen got into a bit of a disagreement over position and there is a sound of wheels meshing. Even before they stop the recriminations and posturings begin. Only this time its not whose dad will win. Apparently, Damion jumps on Curtis and brings him to his knees but by the time Jordan and Nestor get them apart Curtis has executed a nifty reverse and has the upper fist. Then when they are apart Damion takes another swing and Curtis hits him in the eye. Now this is great spectator stuff and it has definite possibilities; however, it needs fan involvement and unfortunately the action took place out of the sight of the fans in the tent.

When last seen Athens guy was hobbling (wonder if he feels inferior) away and was heard muttering about suing Curtis. Can’t wait to hear the fool lawyer who takes case explaining it to a jury. " Let’s see you were riding around in fairy shorts and you bumped into a guy and then you got in a fight and got your eye cut, and this is what you do for a living." Before you go to the jury you might want to remove the earring. Oh yeah suggest you call the lawyer who advertises about all the bike settlements he gets and ask him how many bike cases he has tried to verdict.

Dennis advised that he has been in every Chronicle. He was riding well until he forgot the Mercer Rules. He got outside of Dave before a turn and forgot that the road narrowed and he ran off the road and into a ditch and a culvert. It clearly had nothing to do with Mercer but bad things happen to boys who hang around the wrong crowd.

Oh yeah, finished 17^th in II race on Sunday. Then wife reminded that her advice to quit before Hand Guys retaliated should have been heeded and then BoBo scratched face because Whitlock had slept in her bed and someone ate the last ice cream bar. It’s always nice to come home.

A final note. Once when getting bad press over a case was advised to write letter to editor. Then they could print two lines of the letter and the entire article. Lesson: don’t argue with guys who buy ink by the barrel. Fortunately, that was one lesson not learned the hard way. A person doesn’t have to be Ed Murrow to know that Joe McCarthy was a bad man.

Ride fast and don’t look over your shoulder.

--Bill Stone