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RACE CHRONICLES:
Hall Monitors; Weddings; and Elephant Ears
by Bill Stone
Remember the boys who wore brown socks and the girls in jumpers who volunteered to police the other kids. The type of child who reminded the English Teacher that she had forgotten to assign the next four chapters of Moby Dick. Parenthetically there are people who claim to have read this book and the Scarlet Letter and Silas Marner. These same people reported on those who asked for assistance with Latin Tests and Biology Labs. Some of these gentle people have gone on to great careers as government informants and professional snitches, e.g., Linda Tripp. Yes, the bicycle analogy is on the horizon - show some patience dammit. Others have gone on to be personnel directors who conduct long investigations about employees who have insulted their co-workers by using inappropriate body language in suggesting that 12 Crispy Creams for breakfast might be a bit over the top. Guess what these power deprived folks do for a hobby? They are the prototype USCF Official that Puck Whitlock offended in Cincinnati. You will recall that Joe inadvertently took a free lap in the very official Cincinnati training race and then was turned in by a Hall Monitor Racer. Joe though his punishment had ended with a stern lecture and threat of suspension. But, when he arrived at registration last week he was escorted by the Monitor Police to the Head Official. The very official Head Official then threw Joe’s Thirty Day License and asked Joe who the heck he thought he was and then suggested that Joe was related to a dog. Now, Joe is not related to a dog and in fact has never even dated a dog though one expects the official has which might explain his anger. In fact Joe is dating Morris girl who not only is not a dog but also is faster than the guy who snitched on Joe the week before but this digression is not getting the story told. Then the very official HEAD OFFICIAL advises Joe that the Cincinnati Race is the HEAD OFFICIAL’S Race and that not only will Joe abide by all rules but that he will not tolerate any Puck type behavior and that Joe will be courteous to all other racers. Joe then genuflected and supplicated and got down on his stomach and wimpered for forgiveness and was then permitted to race. Fortunately, the narc was not there as there was no rule that Morris girl had to be nice to him. Anyway, got out Official USCF Rule Book and tried to find the part where is says that a race belongs to an Official. There is no such Rule. In fact Rules indicate that an Official shouldn’t be a Head Official in a race in which he has in interest. So, is it possible that this very official HEAD OFFICIAL could have violated a rule by owning the race. NAW. You have already forgotten the Ft. Wayne Lesson. The USCF is not responsible for breaking its own Rules because your License Application says so. Anyway, expect to go do this Race for self next week and will give full report assuming Official doesn’t confiscate computer.
Puck President Enmark got married last weekend. It was enough to make author consider giving up fifteen years of no alcohol-not the wedding, the idea of having to enter a Church. Made sure to get seats in back near to exit in case evangelicals came after Jewish infidel. Entertained self by recalling Twain’s explanation of how he didn’t want to go to heaven if it was anything like the Church services he had to endure as a child. Worst part was that this could have been avoided if father had not taken ill and had to cancel golf tournament. Speaking of Dad he definitely cannot take up the wager on whether he can beat up Branner’s dad until he gets pace maker implanted and after that he may be first post banishment Tyson opponent. After the wedding there was the perfect reception at the Country Club and if you think it was anything but perfect then you obviously don’t have to ever speak to Enmark’s mother in law.
You cannot imagine the culture shock of a New York boy moving to Indiana during the Summer attending his first fair. Now, fully expected that dog and cat was part of food eaten in Chinatown and never inquired about the contents on Italian Sausage during Fall Festa - remember the Festa in Godfather Part II when the Black Hand Guy is killed. However, it was a real shock to learn that people actually ate elephant ears. This was not even on the menu at my Indian – as in Gandhi - friend’s wedding. So, obviously, couldn’t wait to go to the State Fairgrounds for the White River Races and Pie Eating Contest. The course was laid out around the corn dog stand and passed through the hoops shooting game where the floppy earned dogs served as corner barricades.
Arrived in time to see Jordan take the Cat II race from a brace of Child Molesters. Then the real racing started as it was time to renew acquaintances with Highly Skilled and Surgically Trained Hand Center Phenoms, and Bumblebees. At some point Truly Nice Some Guy - aka Handjob - Todd Sullivan went off the front with some fast guy with big legs and moustache from Michigan and Billy Bedwell. Then, Todd came flying backwards because he missed the company of his fellow Highly Skilled Guys. Now, Highly Skilled Guys have about 20 Surgically Sharp Racers in group but under direction of Chief Surgically Skilled and Razor Sharp Tactician and Teacher Norman they refuse to assist Bumblebees and Pucks with chase. So, in the end it was very strong Michigan guy first, Bedwell second and then the losers. Afterwards half of the Hand Center Guys congratulated each other on brilliant tactics that resulted in third place finish for Teacher while other half advised author they didn’t know how much longer they could ride for a team with Hands but no Heart. Keep in mind that Davis who has plenty of heart wasn't present on Sunday. Anyway after race Merciless Mercer and Chuck who have about a zillion race wins between them and two National Championship Jerseys between them ask Teacher Norm to explain Team Heartless' tactics. With scalpel sharp wit Teacher responded: "we don’t have to talk to you guys." Not even Mercer could parry this witticism.
Then Ben Weaver won the Cat III race from a break group.
Then came the most important race of the day. Some of the Team Heartless Guys had sat out the 35+ Race to be fresh for the Centerpiece 40+ 50+60+ and Women’s 35- Race.
Obviously, it was going to be a difficult time for the already weary Pucks and Bees. After a seemingly endless series of attacks the race split when the author reached down for a drink and the twenty guys with him sat up. The lead split contained one fresh and on tired Surgically Trained and Highly Skilled Guys, Pucks Mercer and Molewyk, Bedwell, Michigan Guy Kaminshy or something like that, and if anyone is left out write and complain. Asked 50+ Surgical Guy Fishel if he wanted to try to bridge and was advised that he liked Chuck and didn’t want to chase him down or couldn’t chase him down or didn’t want to go fast or couldn’t go fast or wouldn’t help or hadn’t recovered from school year or wasn’t feeling chipper. The break started to look at each other and this Puck attacked and got to break with one to go and went through break and told everyone that if they didn’t chase they’d get good press in Chronicles and free entry fees this week and so they didn’t and author won. Puck fans celebrated in true World Cup Fashion by destroying the Snake Exhibition and tipping over Biscuit and Gravy Booth.
Then, fight broke out when author refused to honor free entry fee promise. They wouldn’t accept that people always lie in bike races, and then reclamed that that it was all a cheap lawyer trick which was a real personal affront as lawyer tricks are rarely cheap or they wouldn’t be lawyerly. It might have been a carefully conceived litigation strategy technique but those types of techniques are never cheap.
As for the good press well it was the hardest race in history and everyone rode with great skill, courage and determination and thanks go out to everyone who made it such a great experience. By the way Mercer was second and Molewyk fourth or fifth and of course each of them should have won or could have won and well gee guys you’re just great.
Ben Weaver won the 20+ and Kevin Noone the 30+ (could be wrong on this but Kevin deserves the press). Best part of 20+ was sprint. Weaver closed on Very Highly Skilled and Surgically Trained and Personal Trainer Mike and clearly beat him. But Highly Skilled Personal Trainer insisted on the camera and then complained that camera was wrong because it favored the inside rider. Lawyers who always lose complain about judges and juries.
New Puck Michelle Mercer won the Women’s 35- race.
There was also a race in Champaign. Doering won the 30+ . Darn would like to have been there to get his take on the race. Branner reports that he (Branner) attacked on the last lap and rode away. Then learned that there was a break of ten or so and he didn’t know who won.
Puck Smott was 6th in Cat III but Second among Illinois guys so he won silver medal. Yooray.
Finally, Puck Fitz in town for wedding reports the Pro Race was very fast. He lasted until 20. Then Ventura beat somebody.
Best story of day is Puck Dennis’s tale that Scott with bike tattoo on leg who was last seen dropped from Cat III field in Lafayette had decided to move up to Cat II. Dennis was quite happy because this Highly Skilled and Surgically Trained Guy who no doubt tattooed himself couldn’t turn onto a freeway ramp without causing a crash would now be inflicted upon others. Well he lasted less than five laps. Guess he should try pro status.
Returned home with nothing but pleasant thoughts. The birds were singing and there were no mosquitoes. Wife advised that it was about time result was obtained, that quitting while on top and before getting beat up by entire Heartless Hand Team would be good idea, that towels weren’t to be left on floor, that mineral spirits were not to be left open in basement, that cats needed catnip, cat Izzie needed attention, and that a week without talking to Enmark could be endured. Its always great to come home.
Ride fast and take chances.
Billy
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