Race Chronicles: Sensitivity Training; Yellow Flag Racing; and Lessons Learned the Hard Way
June 24, 1998
by Bill Stone

As reported last week the Pucks were mandated to attend sensitivity training. Spent the worst week of miserable lives in intensive treatment. Forced to participate in workshops designed to teach understanding of others’ needs and concerns and how to appreciate diversity of opinion. Hadn’t had so much fun since an eight-hour deposition with a woman lawyer from a 1,000-person firm asking how client felt when crushed by semi. Anyway, failed course when advised instructor that Pucks didn’t need week-long course on how to suffer fools, and that two ml of thorazine would have accomplished same mind numbing. Then Dennis mixed up a batch to prove the point. Released from exile on condition Pucks engage in nice guy racing and that these reports show a marked change in attitude. Here is the result.

After a week off while Dan went to Core States twenty five courageous bikers returned to Southeastway Park eager to share stories of lives and mix it up with the softball and football players. It was a bit windy and some of the riders had some difficulty staying with group. In the end somebody won but that was merely a secondary concern. More importantly, everyone stayed safe and dry. In the post race ride the riders shared stories of children and friends and how sad it was that John Denver died. There were some tears until it realized that the experience could be shared again the next week.

The only downside was that a few of the Hand Surgery fellows were intent upon making Chronicler close gaps because of misguided comments made in previous narratives. Ah gee guys that was not in the spirit of togetherness which should be the centralizing theme of these Tuesday bonding sessions.

Joe Whitlock reports that he and Ms. Morris attended the training race in Cincinnati Wednesday, June, 17. A good time was had by all but Joe says he had an unpleasant encounter with the official USCF official. Seems that dropped riders cannot re-enter the race without special permission from Lisa Voight. When Joe violated this rule his transgression was quite properly reported to the official by a race participant. Joe felt very badly about this and suggested to the official that perhaps he should be suspended from future races. A federal mediator was called in and the matter was successfully resolved by Joe accepting a lifetime ban from Cat IV races upon his promise not to physically violate the whistle blower who narced him out to the official USCF Official. It is assumed that someone won the race.

Off to Ft. Wayne for the State Criterium Championships. As always it was a pleasant drive with Grant. Between his phone calls, car faxes, police stops, and GPS monitoring arrived in Ft. Wayne in time for late night coverage of World Cup Football. Obvious that those fans haven’t been to the Peaceful Solution Sensitivity Training

School. Get up to eat yogurt and bran with Grant; real treat eating with professionals. After hour long discussion of which wheel and tire combination will work best on the heated road surface it is off for vigorous warm up. The virile Some Guys Master Team is already on site and fully prepared. Do normal one lap warmup in small ring and discover that course might not be up to official USCF Standards. If you read the Official Racing Rules for 1998 which was sent to you as part of your License Fee and which reads that a course "Should be seven meters wide throughout." "Should" by the way is a "weasel word" which is to say it sucks the meaning out of anything that follows. That is, the USCF would never say a course Shall be seven meters in width because that would make the organization responsible. Oops that last sentence wasn’t very sensitive- what it should have read is that the USCF would then not have the flexibility to ensure that a race could be held on challenging streets or in a manner consistent with the dictates of the situation presented by the people who graciously permit the use of narrow streets. Anyway, a downhill turn over an exposed sewer grate and onto a lane the size of Snake Alley is not something that should have concerned the USCF which by the way requires that courses be approved before a sanction is granted. Please see the Race Sanction documents that were sent to your Club. Upon inquiry learned that this course had been used the year before which is by way of saying nicely that the USCF had knowledge or at least are charged with knowledge (this is the way lawyers talk) that the course was not up to even the minimal "should standard of seven meters." But then the USCF does not have to concern itself with safety because when you get a license and when you sign up for a race you give up any right you might have held to hold the USCF responsible. This is okay because otherwise you couldn’t get insurance and then couldn’t race which begs the question of why you have to pay for insurance at every race when you can’t recover from any insurance company or anyone else who by negligence, intentional act, or otherwise causes you to be hurt. Expect that the whole problem with the course can somehow be blamed on lawyers which is exactly how it "Should" be.

Anyway learn later that course was approved by design so that USCF could try out new concept of Yellow Flag Racing. Again your organization is trying to capture the magic of NASCAR. By visiting sports bars during NASCAR races it was observed that pool players always looked up when drivers took out other cars and assorted fans. To make sure that no one benefits from such entertaining interludes a yellow flag is used to keep all cars together. So, USCF decided to see what would happen if inevitable crashes were built into a race course. The idea is to have a really bad corner where fans are sure to hear the crack of broken bones with attendant screams. Then to attract TV fans the ER units can be observed up close scrapping up fingers and arms. Finally to cool off the fans can run under the fire hoses being used to clean up blood.

Things went according to plan and on the second lap of the Masters Race one of the highly skilled Hand Surgery Some Guys racers had to use his breaks in the turn because some unskilled non surgically trained or sponsored club rider was riding too fast behind him- yes this makes no sense but this is exactly or sort of what was explained after the race. So the Highly Skilled and Surgically Sponsored Racer goes sideways and Grant goes around him and then another Highly Skilled and Surgically Sponsored and one hopes Highly Insured Racer runs into the first Highly Skilled Racer and then there is a bunch of cursing and screaming and cracking. Then get run into from behind and fall down and go take a free lap and get put back in at back of field and Grant is gone and race is over and then yellow flag comes out. Racing is controlled and then Third Highly Skilled and Surgically Sponsored Some Guy comes unhinged because Puck attacks the small chase group. Remember sensitive lesson that sharing is better than winning and wait for Some Guy to catch up and then race is over. Learn that Charlie Clute was very seriously hurt. Even without benefit of last week’s classes knew that Charlie is one of the nicest people you could hope to know. Also know that even with benefit of newly learned sensitivity that the disaster could and "should" have been avoided. The USCF District Rep who permitted this course to be used should be ashamed. But then she doesn’t have to be because the Official Rules only say that a course should be safe and then again the USCF and its officials are immune from responsibility and from shame.

For the remainder of the day the Head Official -to her credit- insisted that racers not do dumb stuff in the corner and to their credit the racers didn’t.

In thirty plus race Tim Davis made great attack and while everyone looked at each other to chase he went away for a great win. (Is this enough like Velonews reporting to get through the Sensitivity Censor.) Puck Whitlock -not yet sanctioned- showed rare flash of old form and came through in the money as did Cro-Magnon Man Mercer. Riding for the Pucks has given new charge to his heart. Dropped out with half lap to go with all kinds of excuses, e.g., really depressed over Charlie; hard to do two races back to back; wanted to watch finish; guys sprint too dangerously etc. Truth: couldn’t go fast enough.

All seen of first fifteen minutes of Cat II race was Jay Bumble’s rear end. Then sat on own rear and watched rest of field destroyed by Sharp and Albers and a few others. By the way Head Marsupial Albers was not being very sensitive when he attacked Sharp and lapped field. Guess there will be a rat in class next week. Grant dropped out when field was down to about twenty because he couldn’t win any money. Reminded him that race paid twenty deep and then took away his keys. Returned home listening to Twisted Monkeys at max volume and monitoring Grant’s voice mail, email, fax mail, and scanning electron radar. This is not stuff you can make up.

Didn’t go to Lafayette on Sunday but that won’t prevent a report. Grant says except for Sharp and Doyle it was basically a Cat III race. Don’t send hate mail here-address it to Shaklee. Moleman reports that it was very fast and that he and Mercer pulled back break with giant 35MPH pulls. That was not Sharp and Doyle but the rest of break which included Grant who was with Sharp but then wasn’t because he wanted to be sensitive and share with rest of field or something similar. Expect the MPH was being measured in Mercer Miles which as promised previously will be explained at a later date after taking advanced Quantum Physics with Dennis.

There was also a Masters Race that was dominated by Bumblebees Jordan and Moll who also knocked each other over trying to let the other one win.

Highlight of last night’s Southeastway was looking at Grant’s new GT which was made by someone else but in GT design and which is made out of steel and is the best bike ever. By the way GT was bought out by Schwin which means that Grant would now be riding a Schwinn and then could be on Columbus Schwinn and be a Puck but then the bike was made by someone other than GT which makes it not a Schwinn but also not a GT which means he’s not on Shaklee. Faulkner would be proud of that sentence. Second best was God Squad Branner yelling at Dan because he didn’t know it was the last lap. But then he quit with a lap to go so how could he have sprinted. When this conundrum was sensitively posited it was rejoined by a variant of the "my dad can beat up your dad" retort. Normally that bet would be taken but Dad just suffered a small stroke and while he could probably still handle Stone Hands Durand risking money on what would be at best a 6 to 5 shot is not really an interesting gambling opportunity. Anyway, that would not be a conciliatory gesture.

Finally, Joe Ake yelled at author because Moleman made a slight lane change on the last lap. Morris girl also took affront. Hey guys he only moved six feet laterally. It would be reported that this technique was learned from Hand____ Fischel and Bumblebees but that would not be in keeping with nice writer theme.

For continued self improvement Pucks are this week taking courses in Eastern Religious Philosophy with stress on retaliation against heathens.

Puck President Enmark getting married on Saturday.

Ride Fast and Take (Safe) Chances.

Bill Stone