RACE CHRONICLES: TRAVEL LOG EDITION
June 16, 1998
by Bill Stone

Brother lives in lake side apartment in Chicago during week and New York on weekends. Thinks South Central LA is for sissies and vacations in Calcutta. Let me use the apartment for weekend races in Crete and Kankakee. Figure Rodman would like to celebrate with dignity with the pucks so made haste to arrive before end of Friday’s game. Can’t wait to see re-enactment of O’Leary Fire and Burning of Atlanta. Then Rogaine Malone goes nuts and ruins plans. Seems Rogaine’s performance resulted in Bringham Young descendant having an epiphany. Previously undiscovered Golden Tablet reveals that if Jazz win title certain unspecified Black People might be permitted to enter Kingdom of God. By now you know that didn’t come to pass and it was later admitted the epiphany was but a dry drunk nightmare.

Had to race or wife would be suspicious of real reason for trip. Arrived at Crete in time to see Gary Dorking win 30+. Watched woman ride around and someone won and they split the $20,000.00 prize list. Then woman complained that it was unfair for Morris girls to win more than one Revlon paid trip to Paris. So USCF took money from all other races and arranged trips for all the ladies.

Forty plus race say Dorking and Shaklee Shake now teammates. They took Eastern European along for break. Then Head Smack faked cramp as Shake went on solo. Smack forgot to tell Little Smack on USA Trek about plan. So when Shake arrives Little Smack tries to slow things down to "wait for Dork." Shake says keep going fast. Advise him that 12MPH is sufficiently fast to keep bike upright and that if group had been going fast he probably wouldn’t have lapped field in like three minutes. After he stops laughing he takes prime and rides away again with Little Smack pouting because he wouldn’t wait for Head Smack. Then everyone sprints and tells each other how valiantly they toured.

By the way Shake now has speakers in his brake hoods as he tired of officials making him remove headphones. Now he can listen to Flaming Bananas and not to riders announcing on your right.

In III race some Purple Clad whiner yelled at Morris girls. Last seen they pushed him into curb and dropped his excuse ridden carcass. He was last heard on sideline complaining that girls shouldn’t be allowed in men’s races and they should be home being subservient or whatever Falwell was blabbering in Salt Lake last week.

In Peoria it was Navigator Wasko and this week it was Ventura. Started making deals with self from the gun. Go ten laps and it will slow down. No. Go twenty and it surely get better. Wrong. Didn’t make it to thirty. Computer has to be wrong. Know maximum speed was more than 35. Forehead now bears imprint of stem bolt and rectum had to be gently removed from tip of seat. Watch hero Albers fail to make winning break. How can anyone be faster than he? Ventura wins on busted Bimble wheel.

Delirious from II race wander over to Dorking’s car to watch IIIs and get some water. Price was him advising that Master’s races were too easy and that he’d race on Pro but didn’t want deflate egos of young guys on Team Smack. Also, II and Pro was not fast like when he was young and got screwed by Carter and overlooked by Guimard and you have probably heard this before. Get him some Ritalin. Anyway got to watch him explain official Smack hand signals to team. If you’ve seen the batting sign scene in a League of Their Own you’ll understand.

Back to Chicago and off to Harry Caray’s. Seems that Nestor E. is now the official greeter. Addle brained Cub fans can’t tell the difference. Seems they believe Harry was merely in a temporary coma and that Tribune used death rumors to terminate contract because Steve Stone was tired of cleaning him up. Anyway, Nestor got us good table near bar to watch Red Wings. Dennis thinks he’s in Paris and buys cheap champagne for amazing looking woman and then dashes on check and large boyfriend. Teach a guy a trick and he has to use it.

Returned to apartment. Hung Morris girl from 40^th floor as retaliation for her quitting the Puck team. Adjacent apartment dwellers tried to hit her with sling shot balloons. Security arrived and asked that window be closed to equalize pressure in building.

Brother left his giant potato gun so spent early morning shooting soggy fries at young stockbrokers going into Starbucks for double decap mocha cappucinos and fat free brie brioches. Ordered new furniture from Walmart and charged to USCF through phone company like brother showed me in Belgrade. Then at Whitlock’s suggestion sold old furniture in yard sale where lot was purchased by Indiana couple in 1950 Winnebago.

It was Smacks turn to win the 40+ race. But you probably knew that already. After race Pepsi still smarting from lack of good press at Danville advised that Team Saddle Sores deserved derision. He was right and here’s the story of the race. Smack and Shake ride off with some other guy and a Saddle Sore. Get within five bike lengths in chicane when one of these Raging Roids pulls in front and slows down to 11. Then when Fitch goes around he won’t follow. Says he has guy in break and can’t go there. Let’s see its team mates Smack and Shake and Fitch and a Roid; so why would the Roids want two guys in the break. Guess they were afraid of old Puck who qualifies for Handicapped parking and can’t beat his wife in a sprint. Anyway rest of race was spent trying to shame the shameless. Then everyone congratulated each other on brilliant and courageous riding.

After race learned that 15 MPH pace was misunderstanding. Saddle Sores and Indians were trying out new racing project scheme. Apparently, the USCF has received a lot of complaints from Masters racers who have "important jobs," families, Church Camps, soccer practice, PTA Meetings, Bible Study, Hebrew Classes, yard work, children with needs, low self esteem, Militia Meetings, flower shows, Cult Duties or whatever. The USCF has deemed it unfair that they have to compete with people who have no children, unimportant jobs, and who train all day, and have better equipment. Now, you have all seen those bumper stickers that read "My child makes the effort at the Country Day Middle School and Pansy Academy." Parenthetically, note the message is that the moron kid was too stupid to make the honor roll. Taking the cue the USCF will soon announce that Masters racing will be renamed "We Make the Effort" races. Anyone, who feels he is at a disadvantage because of his "real important job" or whatever will get to carry a bell which he can ring any time the racing is too fast, too slow, too dangerous, or there is a need for an action photo, or drink, or a diaper change. The race goes on until everyone in the field gets to finish one lap in front. Then everyone will finish in a straight line and after dismounting will embrace and exclaim the meaningfulness of the shared experience. Then, those with unimportant jobs and who train all day will reimburse the others for their expenses. Everyone will get a bumper sticker reading as follows: "Despite Not Being Able to Train All Day and Having a Real Important Job That I Can’t Miss With an Injury I Tried Hard and Made the Effort at the Yogurt Festival Criterium."

The point of the above is that if you set your sights low enough you will rarely be disappointed.

Dorking won the Albert Bell Sportsmanship award for deliberately riding Fitch out of break.

Then the ladies went even slower than the old men and split up the $40,000.00 purse. Then the juniors complained because they were having to race on last years titanium bikes and Mavic wheels. So, the Officials took away the pro purse and bought the three Junior Competitors sets of Jan Ullrich wheels.

In the III race Dennis was explaining to a very experienced rider that it was best to keep hands on the bike and off his hip. He calmly advised that he didn’t care whether the rider was on his left, right, inside, outside or backside. Experienced rider rejoined that this was the way the pros ride and that it was simply courteous to announce a position and then gently reinforce this by a push. Next thing heard was an on your right followed by Puck helping the experienced rider grind down the extra rubber on his tire on the last turn curb. After race President Puck was advised that Pucks needed to learn manners. So, next week the Pucks are off the Sensitivity Training and by July 4, 1998 you’ll see a whole different Team Demeanor.

The 30+ Race was fast and someone deserving won but couldn’t tell from back of pack.

Ventura won Pro Race. Head Rat Albers again didn’t make break. Nor did Noveer, or Novere, or Never or whatever name he is now using. Baby Marsupial Carlson did but was squashed in sprint. Rats better stay off the decon.

TECH REPORT: Racks and Wheels.

Cruising on Tollway into Chicago when Bike flew off official M Car BMW Bike Rack. Bike crashed into grill of Mercedes ATV. Titanium prevailed. Retrieved bike and left irate life insurance salesman with smoking car and fake insurance information. Don’t buy this product- the rack or the Mercedes.

Wheels:

Before 40+ race at Kankakee Pepsi and Little Smack were extolling the wonderfulness of their Aryan Rolf Wheels and how nice it was that they came as part of their new carbon bikes. Now has anyone ever seen a Trek wheel that was good for anything but teaching a dog how to jump through a hoop. About halfway through race there is an explosion. After race notice that Pepsi is on Spinergy and right calf is bleeding. Not only did Aryan wheel explode but also the spokes lacerated his leg and ankle. By the way how many warranty carbon bikes does Trek make each year. Have 150 lb. Friend who is on fourth.

At Lafayette Shaklee Shake had Bimple Wheel break at hub. Then at Crete Navigator Ventura had same experience. Bimple has not warranted Shake’s wheel but then he is not Ventura. Anyway, dicussed this with Puck’s Tech Expert, Moleman. He explained that tri-spoke design is inherently flawed. Wheel is simple three triangles and all the stress of each triangle is transferred to the hub. So, either the support or the hub break. Moleman is smart guy. Further explained that car wheels are not triangles. Suppose those automotive nerds are on the something. Finally, be advised that previous efforts at triangle wheels have been failures. They all break. So, do you want to spend $1,000.00 for Bimples.

Last year at Superweek Mavic Tech Rep said that Cosmic Experts would not stand up to everyday use even though so advertised. Have set and they have done okay but now squeak and no dead mouse in rim. Whitlock had one break. Head Mavic Customer Service Rep advised that Tech Rep was wrong. Anyway, Mavic has had wheel six weeks and still not returned even though it was promised two weeks ago.

Had Campy Electron blow up on training ride. This wheel can’t be ridden after spoke breaks. Before purchase Campy exec advised no problems with spokes breaking. Then he promised new wheel in two days. Didn’t send new wheel but fixed old one and it is not round.

Left Kankee in rainstorm. Bike flew off rack again. Got home and cat bit nose. Good that some things never change.

Postscript: Manufacturer going to repair car; refund money; and loan car during repair.

Why can’t bike industry learn.

Ride fast and take chances.