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Traveled to New Albany Saturday in hopes of seeing the District Rep and finally gettting some team stickers for the Hockey Pucks. No luck. Instead was indoctrinated in new racing concept.
Apparently taking a cue from NASCAR the USCF has instituted a pilot program of short track racing. First the USCF approved a one-half kilometer course and to make sure it was a hit with the Southern Crowd the officials also made sure that work release road crews fresh from the Saturday night drunk went out and dug up the road surface. Let the Hampster races begin.
About a third of the field quit before the second turn. That was the one where if you missed you went through hay bales and into oncoming traffic. Another bunch left on the third turn where flats resulted in hitting the ice cream stand. Reminded one of the Tour of Michigan Fairgrounds Course where a missed turn landed a Coors Light guy in the Alligator Farm. (This is not fiction.) Anyway ten minutes in and finally things are manageable. No. A gentleman from Louisville flats in the straightaway but decides to turn anyway. After removing a snow cone from jersey and explaining to this flathead that he probably should have gone straight instead of turning a free lap was taken. The noise from repeated flats caused the New Alband Swat Team to respond to call that a school kid was playing with his gun and taking out gays in tights. So, for the next twenty minutes it was explosion,crash,chase back, time to quit. The Marsupials got the cage moving so fast they reversed time and left the rest the rest squeaking for more water to lubricate the cage. In the end it was a Team Rodent sweep.
So, packing to go home when Ward Cleaver comes up and advises that proper manners had not been used when explaining in plain language that turning on a flat clincher was not a good racing decision. He says that if one has a good relationship with a higher being that facing imminent death at the hands of a Cat IV racer would not require adrenaline laced speech. Of course he brought his boy with him no doubt to show him how to deal with New York Street children. Anyway, couldn't see the point in wasting even staircase wit on this situation. Why don't these people play softball.
Ah, what a joy. A Sunday drive to Lafayette with Mr. Shaklee Shake. Arrived in time to see Dennis and Richie and the Cat III asphalt bash. Newly downgraded Ben Weaver found Cat III racing to his liking making several attacks only to finish well down in the field. No such bravery or foolhardy efforts by the young Hockey guys. Dennis went fast for him and Richie followed and the field fell down and Richie got third and some other guys beat him.
Time to suit up with Whitlock and Moleman for the 30+. Wind had to be 80 mph and field had to be going 40. For Master race reports all speeds are in Mercer Miles. (Calculation and explanation requires a main frame.) Anyway, Grant gets in break with head Master Marsupial Toulson. Break fails. It seems that they are such good friends that when riding together they want to share racing stories, and forget to go fast. Curtis just couldn't get enough of hearing about Wohlberg so they just went back to the pack. Motivated by these stories Curtis rode off to the win. Grant sprinted after him to second no doubt in an effort to bring him up to date on advantage of Shaklee versus Glen Winkle vitamins.
The Forty Plus race started and Grant and Team Smack's Doering rode away. Mercer now riding for the Hockey Pucks bridged as did your author albeit with coke vomit on his stem. Upon arrival Smack says its too early and we all go back to start again.You have a field of fairly high income people and they actually sprint for a water bottle. Then Grant throws them a Shaklee bottle and dammed if they don't give that away too. Back to the race. Some guys attack and then Smack and then Grant and the race is over and Smack wins. Best part is after the race. Grant says he lost. Mercer would have won but his pacemaker gave out on way to the break and author would have won but about 15 guys were faster. Not a great hockey puck performance.
The Cat II woman rode around for 45 minutes at 15 MPH and then crashed in the final turn and someone won and others did their American Flyers imitation and ran across the line. As usual the woman complained about the money because 10th place only paid $2,000.00.
Before the Cat II race Grant advises that he's going to wear his headphones and that if Alice finds out there will be no ride home. Now why would he think anyone would bust him for this; Alice already knows he's going to do it. Of course, he doesn't even get lined up before the Sony is confiscated. They should have primed it off. That was the extend of the fun part of the race.
After 15 minutes of laser speed the Cat II race took a breather- for about a millesecond- and then it was off again. About 20 minutes in Smack Doering pulls up and announces he has been out of the 16 yet and that the pace is too easy. Then he gives a play by play of Saturday's time trial and tactical wizardry in beating Grant. It is only after he sees the partially eaten power gel on his frame that he decieds to leave but only after advising that he will probably win. In the interest of accurate reporting a seat on the sideline was taken after half way. Retirement had nothing to do lung tissue left in third turn.
Marsupials attacked as did the Child Abusers. Then the Child Abusers started yelling at each other and the Marsupials started to win and then it over and Albers won as was expected and the Children were apologizing to each other. Then Jay Bumples comes over and tries to explain it all to the Hockey Pucks. Try to explain that yelling at each other is the best behavior of the Pucks so can't really appreciate his situation. He is a nice guys with children so Pucks wait until he leaves to roll eyes. First time Hockey Guys have ever showed such restraint. Not a good sign. This is bike racing, not lawn darts.
Almost forgot, Albers won. Head Smack tells me that his guy would have won if Marsupials hadn't run down the break in which his rider wasn't or was it that someone rode wrong in the sprint and anyway he shouldn't have left it to the young guys. Next week he and Mercer are going to have to speak only to each other.
By the way the author has learned that some of this material is appearing on the internet under Bill Stone's name. First, Bill can't write. Second, Bill would never let this stuff out under his real name. So, if someone is offended or doesn't agree or does agree or whatever don't contact Bill. Please go through Grant Mann who is probably the real author.
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