RACE CHRONICLES: Changes; Searching for Shakes; and Heat Glaze.

by Bill Stone
September 1, 1998

Two years ago was co-counsel in a medical malpractice case in South Bend. Represented the widow. Tried the case for a week and ended with a hung jury. Was criticized by the judge. Spent a year re-evaluating the way the case had been presented. Also, spent year promising self not to get on wrong side of judge. This time tried the case in less than two days. Jury returned large verdict in less than one hour. Still have night sweats from realization that poor widow client might have gotten nothing but for the fortuitousness of the hung jury and shame from the mistakes that attended the first trial. It would have been easy but not productive to blame the first jury and the idiot judge who didn’t know the Rules of Evidence. It was harder but better to change. This gratuitous introspection has a point. Actually, it has several points.

First, a certain team criticized the Chronicles for lacking thematic content and organizational structure. In all fairness the Chronicles were also characterized as being boring or at least that team member was so bored he had nothing to do but read the Chronicles. Regardless, this week’s Chronicle will have a theme. Let’s call it "cycling as allegory."

Second, it was really hard to sit and look at that pompous judge for several days and never say a smart word, made a smart gesture or even a stupid gesture. It was even harder to smile like a balloon clown when she made bad evidence rulings. Just thought you’d like to know that even lawyers have to do unpleasant things every now and again.

Now, let’s explore the ways in which the last few weeks of racing inform our theme.

For too many years evenings and weekends have been spent riding and traveling with Shaklee Shake. He wasn’t even a little shake when it all began. In fact he was a rejected by Mercer and Team Bike Garage not good enough to wear their jersey racer. It was then that he began his fixation with food teams and became a Guiltless Gourmet. On the national scene he was simply known as Captain Cornchip. Finally, a few years ago he morphed into Shake. Anyway, every evening there are tales about what the professional shakes did over the weekend and grand they are and how great they were and will be. Seems the professional shakes send him e-mails and phone mails and satellite mails and messages that he receives in his teeth. Every so often he says that one of these shakes is going to appear on his doorstep for a ride. This is apparently going to happen about the time my dad makes good on his promise to play second base for the Dodgers. Now, it doesn’t do any good to tell Shake that no one cares about second level professionals who make about the same wage as the guy in charge of the Frostie Machine at Wendy’s. About all you can do is put your hands in your ears and make loud noises. Sometimes this makes him turn up his headphones and ride off. Nevertheless, decided that this was The year to actually meet these gods of cycling and perhaps score some anabolic aids or is they ergonomic aids. Whatever, it was off to Columbus, Ohio to check out Wendy’s. Have to drive Shake’s car while he dials in new bazillion megahertz laptop that plays movies on dash screen. Unfortunately, all he has is Playboy Channel soft-core fake porno. Next morning it is up at the crack of dawn to do training ride. Only participate on promise that this will be the day when real Shakes will talk to Pucks. On drive from Dayton to Columbus Shake realizes he has lost his official Captain Magic Pager. Frantic calls to Holiday Inn Crisis Center results in deployment of Delta Force Ranger Retards to Shake’s room where pager is located. Placated that he didn’t miss an urgent text page from Ed McMahon the trip to Columbus is back on. Arrive in time to eat compulsory Shake Breakfast of yogurt and captain crunch at the Cheery Times Breakfast Nook and De-Caf Bar. Still no real shakes.

These Wendy’s people put on quite a race. The course was technical and fast. There was real money. Master’s field was reduced to 14 after 4 laps. Then Shake and the Delta Pilot Guy and two others ride away. Then get split from chase as break approaches. No problem; just ride up to the chase with the break. Not to be. The Head Official who is also a UCI Official says that Puck cannot ride with the break. So, finish race alone. Shake gets fourth but with explanation. He was so distraught with worry that he was missing text messages from Shaklee Team Director that he lost his concentration and fell down in the first turn on the loose asphalt. Now, if this were normal racer you’d expect to hear all kinds of complaints about how someone took him down or didn’t ride straight or how the course was not properly manicured or cured or whatever you do to asphalt. No, Grant said he fell down because he was stupid and went too fast. He could lose his license for such candor.

Adopted balloon clown attitude and went over to ask officials where in rulebook it says that a lapped rider cannot ride with the break or any other group on the road. Head official told me this was well known rule although he didn’t have time to look it up as the big wheel races were about to begin. There were about five other officials behind him and they nodded their heads like dogs in the pack of South Carolina Pick Ups. This balloon clown bounces back up and asks what will happen in pro race if a small group laps the field, viz., will he make the entire field drop back. Expected official to say that this was his Courtroom and that no Supreme Court Rulebook was going to tell him how to run it. Instead, was told that the official’s area needed to be cleared for safety reasons. The nodding dogs tried to steal ABR hat. As Shake was picking cinders out of his hip he commented that officials were wrong which gave concern, as this was first concurrence in about ten years. You are all referred to Rule 34D. It states that in a criterium a lapped rider can ride with any other group on the course. Describe the situation to the USCF Head of Officials by way of e-mail. Received response that the official was wrong and that he would be advised of the correct rule. Now, this is not as good as getting a political hack judge to admit he doesn’t understand that there is no such thing as an original document rule, but it does feel good. 

After Masters race go up to staging area in search of food and real Shakes. Spy a few guys in jerseys similar to Grant’s so figure these are the real deal. Stroll up and ask them if they know Grant. Blank stares. Tell them that he is on their Master’s team and has cool bike similar to their GTs and that he uses Bimble Wheels and eats horrible team crunch bars which he can’t give away. Blank stares. Go over to team van and ask guy using bondo on a Bimble if he has seen Grant. Who? You know "the guy who owns hotels and rides with you guys in California in the Winter rather than going skiing and drives a cool Volvo with Porno Movies on the dash." A flash of recognition and the mechanic looks over and says "anyone seen the old guy who claims he’s a friend of Eric’s and whose always trying to buy old team stuff from us; some other geriatric idol worshipper is looking for him." Well, it wasn’t as hoped but it was nice to meet the guys just the same.

Oh yeah the men’s pro race was great. A Mercury guy won but the Shakes did all the work. The women were racing for about a million dollars but everyone left to get hot dogs so don’t know who won.

Had to drive the Volvo because of Shakes injuries. Retrieved pager and important text message from Europe that due to the political climate the expected Shaklee Vitamins would not be delivered on time. Ran out of movies so listened to Rush Limbaugh pining for the days when the Dems controlled Congress and people thought he knew something besides the price of cashews. 

Brookside has gone from a fifty mile race to an advertised sixty minutes. Could have stayed at Wendy’s for Sunday’s events but this is a venerable although diminished event. The Junior races were sponsored by Lance Armstrong. About three showed up. They each received full Dura Ace Treks. There was a lot of complaining from the parents that they weren’t titanium and you know the rest. In the Cat IV Race there was a big crash in the chicane and all the other races had to be shortened because it took a lot of time to remove detached brains from the road surface. Fortunately, none of the IVs were affected by this loss of brain matter. In the Masters race Chuck Moll attacked twice and rode away. A crippled Shake was third with Smack Doering in second. During the race a member of the team that can’t be mentioned because they get real upset when mentioned in other than laudatory praise ran his handlebars into author’s rear end on the back stretch. Reason was that Puck had moved over to right side of the road and didn’t respond positively to an audible warning of you know "on your right." The non-mentioned team member used his considerable off road skills to ride into the grass and stay upright. Tied to explain afterwards that riders often do move to the non wind side of the road and that such moves need to be anticipated and that if you can’t move up without using audible commands that it was better to use brakes. Was informed that this was error and that all riders who had ever ridden in the Hilly Hundred knew that "hold your line" and "on your wrong political side" were not suggestions but rather mandatory commands that had to be followed on pain of having your fanny bag sticker confiscated together with your Hilly Flag. Had no answer for such logic. Didn’t bother to tell this rider whose team can’t be mentioned least their collective ego be compromised he might want to reconsider his position before he tried his commands out on a less sensitive and conciliatory rider. Expect that change will not be forthcoming until this lesson is learned the hard way.

The Cat III race saw Puck Dennis sit up before the line and get passed by four guys. But Dennis had a good pose for camera. There was also a great crash when a guy from the unmentionable team looked back to see whom he was beating and of course moved over only to be run into by one of the guys on the team with red shorts which of course caused others to fall down. Now, there is another website report of this account but the site cannot be mentioned. In that report it is stated that the unmentionable guy was going to win until he was taken down. Now, that would have been pretty hard in that the race was already over, but, if it makes him feel better why not. Oh yeah, as the announcer was telling everyone to stay off the course some bonehead runs out to assist a rider and causes other riders to fall down.

The II race was reduced to 45 minutes but then the official forgot to keep time so it went longer but no one was ever told how long and then some guys got away and the younger Morris girls boyfriend won and his break partners complained that all he did was sprint as if they were forced to make pace by some inner demon which won’t permit real try hard racers to sprint. Early in the race some guy from the unmentionable team hit rear wheel. Looked back and it was a Cat IV guy who had last been heard complaining how he lost the IV race because he was boxed in by slower racers who somehow had gotten ahead of him by using some illegal methods. He still had on his Cat IV number which raised the question of whether he had paid. Fortunately, he wasn’t around very long. It wasn’t a really great race but at least no one fell down. Also, didn’t hear a lot of guys announcing their positions vis a vis political rightness or wrongness. In fact can’t remember a two race where anyone’s politics have been a subject of discussion. Do you suppose that discussions of political views in III and IV and Masters races are a reason for crashes. Perhaps they should change their views or keep them to themselves or at least keep themselves upright or upleft.

The next week it was off the Downers Grove. This time with Morris Girl and Whitlock. With Whitlock it is permissible to by pass the racer’s breakfast. Had a hard time getting away from the buffet and arrived twenty minutes before the race full of strawberries, waffles and whipped cream. It was five hours before the pro race and already there was a large crowd. There were 75 in the 35 plus race. It was hot and if you squeezed your hands the moisture fell onto the concrete and glazed the surface. (That is the only attempt at minimalist writing that will ever find its way into the Chronicles) It was too hot and too hard. Moved up to about 30^th before the finish but only because the others quit or were dropped or pulled. The 45+ race went about the same way. Grant was second after being passed in the sprint. Mercer was third and should have won but was too busy watching Grant shift into the wrong gear which was too big a gear and thus forgot to win. Well it was something like that but I only had three hours to get Mercer’s take on the matter and that is really not enough time to get a complete story from him. Grant conceded the point.

The women raced and a European girl won. All twenty women were awarded Mercury Automobiles but the Saturn girls for obvious reasons couldn’t accept the awards. Instead they were given two boxes each of Shaklee Fruit Bars. The other girls objected to this unequal treatment and refused to leave the course for the start of the Skating Races. The Chicago police doused them with fire hoses and they finally agreed to leave upon the promise that the USCF would intercede to keep the police from looking into their gym bags. A nasty confrontation was avoided; however, the women are still not going to get their own portable toilets next year.

Dennis got fourth in the III race and Whitlock was 6^th. There was a big crash when about 40 guys tried to occupy the same left part of the road on the hill, and another one in the final turn.

Shake advised that the all the big shakes would be present and that they would talk to him. Walked around the course with Whitlock while Pros did their one lap warmup. Asked every Shake if he knew Grant and if he had any spare wheels or hats or stuff as Grant had promised us the stuff if we’d cheer real loud. Finally, one of the guys walked over with Bostic and said "you know just because Bostic is on the team doesn’t mean that every old wheezer who drinks the stuff we advertise and pulls on a stained jersey is a member of the team. Besides, isn’t Grant the guy who hears voices in his teeth about how the pros know and love him. Tell that guy to obey the restraining order and stay away." Always great to pass time with legends.

The pros raced really fast and a foreign guy won. What a surprise. Shakelee didn’t win, but Grant did get to hang out with women’s team during the race. Pucks hung out watching the women in line shakers change clothes and sitting on hill listening to swimming stories from Morris girls’ mother and being treated to health reports from Mercer. Drove home in Morris girl’s new Mercury and ate at Burger King on Whitlock’s winnings. It’s great to hang out with winners.

Next week there will be a report on the Masters Nationals in Chicago and the Fort Ben Race. The latter promises to be especially exciting as Branner and Molewyk are going to continue the internecine best Cummin’s Engine Racer battle. Branner has promised to sit on Molewyk’s wheel and Sprint it out. Will he really wait for the end or will he try for the decisive attack on the hill. He was spotted doing hill repeats this week. Read it here next week.

Also, there will be a training race report. As a taste two weeks ago the guy from the unmentionable team who ran off the road made a great move and was in the winning three man break. See guys, if you do something different which is somewhat like changing you will get some good press. (This Chronicle is being revised post Ft. Ben. Unfortunately, the unmentionable team didn’t get to read this before the race as they continue to want to announce their political views during the race. Stop it! Its very difficult to yell at own teammates when distracted by thinking about whether someone is on the really right wing or is really a soul mate liberal.)

Normally, this would close with a pithy comment about wife-who just demanded presence at home. Don’t like to clutter this fun time with serious issues. However, this one time. The past weeks dad has been in rehabilitation hospital. Meet a young girl there with a closed head injury and broken knee. She is a BMX racer who fell on her head. Don’t know the details. She has no memory. Grant gave her a Shake hat. Two points. A bike race is not an allegory. Nor is a bike race really hard. To elevate a sport to allegory is to take it too seriously. It also diminishes the efforts of people who have real struggles. Second, wear your helmet and tell your friends to have their kids wear helmets. While you’re at it remind them that parents who let their kids ride mopeds and motorcycles don’t love them very much. If they get mad too bad.

Ride fast and wear a helmet.

Bill Stone